and what should be a required life lesson (total mastery of which is mandatory): just because you've been hurt does NOT make it ok to hurt someone else.
A former friend is obviously hurting deeply. What other reasonable explanation could there be for the fact that she has viciously been lashing out at everyone who doesn't kowtow to her selfish desires? When someone actively attempts to demean, damage, and flat out wound other people deeply, it seems pretty obvious that she cannot possibly be happy herself. Ironically, this behavior, though, I can forgive. Or at least I can forget it. It is not worth my concern.
It is those who are not so blatantly wicked - those whose mental states are reasonably normal and are not suffering from psychoses - who pack the most powerful punch. They are the ones whose inconsideration and excuses create real damage.
When one is hurting deeply, it is essential that one realize that focusing on the feelings and needs of others can not only help one to forget one's own problems, but can actually make one feel better - feel needed and of value. But focusing solely on oneself can cause one to be careless, inconsiderate, selfish, and irresponsible.
I trusted someone who perhaps hadn't earned my trust, and I got hurt. Same old story.
What has changed, though, in the back forty is my response to this situation. I am fabulously capable now of moving on. If nothing else, my agonizing past experiences have taught me that life is too precious to waste sulking over a broken heart. I knew the risks, and though I hoped for the best, I am now quite adept at dealing with the worst. And so I reaffirm that I will continue to be attentive to the needs and wants and feelings of others despite having learned - AGAIN - that men are mostly selfish, and I will continue to tend my own garden and decorate my own soul.
As I write this, Little Man is snuggling on my lap. What more do I need to remind me of true love, anyway?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A blur...
That is what life has been for me lately. Funny - at the end of our spring break vacation, I vowed to bring a little vacation into our lives daily. Or at least every other day. Or at the very least, weekly. But what happened instead was that an over ambitious new business owner booked herself solid -- and I do mean solid. When I look at my schedule (that now includes a summer full of Cubs games, weddings, bachelorette excursions, dramatic performances, birthday celebrations, and a Disney trip), I see very few days in which there is not some sort of commitment occupying several hours of the day. Many days have multiple commitments. Yes, some are fun -- but as I'm experiencing currently, there is no capacity for true enjoyment of life when the pressures of an overflowing "to do" list are weighing on your mind and heart.
And so my goal for the next two weeks is to wade through the crap I've allowed to take over my life - physically, mentally, and even spiritually. My relationships are healthy - THANK GOD (because they don't include any romantic entanglements - double thank yous to God!) - but the mountainous back log of paperwork claws at my soul.
And yet when I sat at the computer just now to enter contact info into my database, I chose to blog instead. But I'm justifying that as a WISE choice. Because it IS.
Here's how I see it:
Starting to write consistently is an important goal of mine. And writers write. So if I don't write (as I've failed to do for TWO MONTHS NOW), then I won't write. And yes - that does make sense if you can follow my twisted thinking. And no - I wouldn't allow my students to be that ambiguous or vague or whatever the appropriate term is, though I refuse to wrack my brain over it during my "off season." In any case, I must write. I must treat my writing now as a valued appendage, without which I could not function as healthily. Like a liver. Writing is going to become my liver. (Hmmmm... perhaps that means that if I write more, and thus nurture my liver, I will also nurture my aching brain, which will cause me to require less alcohol to numb it, which will in turn be better for my liver, which means my writing will improve..... Ok - yes - BIG stretch. But a little logical drama diversion is fun now and again. Forgive me.)
The contacts can be entered tomorrow. Or in five minutes. Right now I'm FEEDING my soul. Building it up. Reinforcing it. And I did have at least small window of time...
The worst problem I have is that regardless of how little time I may have in which to accomplish the most basic of chores, I manage to find other things to fill up that time. Obligations, in fact. Take today, for instance - - I have a show tonight, of course, but I should have had PLENTY of time during the day to tackle a PLETHORA of projects. (Still love that alliteration. Lol.) But Mini Me brought home a request for parent help on the rocket project at school. Since my ordinary teaching/tutoring schedule does not allow me to participate in such activities - and since Mini Me really wants her mother to come - and since her teacher desperately needs the help, I am going. It is an "obligation" that I choose to embrace. Sometimes I could definitely say, "No." But at what cost? My daughter had tears in her eyes when she found out her mother was not the one taking her to piano lessons yesterday. So today I will build a rocket.
I am combating this issue. I have drawn Xs through several days in my calendar. Yes, I did just put a date for margarita madness into one of the Xed slots, but fun with friends is an important rejuvenation technique I've learned (though I use it far too infrequently).
I am also asking friends and grandparents to entertain my over active toddler for a few days. And I just might continue to utilize this strategy in the future.
My third approach was to try giving up some sleep. But that didn't work too well. Instead, I think I must substitute the alternate strategy of accomplishing MORE during daytime hours. That means less distraction. And limiting computer time. But first, I must move on to the contacts list....
I shall write again soon.
I MUST.
And so my goal for the next two weeks is to wade through the crap I've allowed to take over my life - physically, mentally, and even spiritually. My relationships are healthy - THANK GOD (because they don't include any romantic entanglements - double thank yous to God!) - but the mountainous back log of paperwork claws at my soul.
And yet when I sat at the computer just now to enter contact info into my database, I chose to blog instead. But I'm justifying that as a WISE choice. Because it IS.
Here's how I see it:
Starting to write consistently is an important goal of mine. And writers write. So if I don't write (as I've failed to do for TWO MONTHS NOW), then I won't write. And yes - that does make sense if you can follow my twisted thinking. And no - I wouldn't allow my students to be that ambiguous or vague or whatever the appropriate term is, though I refuse to wrack my brain over it during my "off season." In any case, I must write. I must treat my writing now as a valued appendage, without which I could not function as healthily. Like a liver. Writing is going to become my liver. (Hmmmm... perhaps that means that if I write more, and thus nurture my liver, I will also nurture my aching brain, which will cause me to require less alcohol to numb it, which will in turn be better for my liver, which means my writing will improve..... Ok - yes - BIG stretch. But a little logical drama diversion is fun now and again. Forgive me.)
The contacts can be entered tomorrow. Or in five minutes. Right now I'm FEEDING my soul. Building it up. Reinforcing it. And I did have at least small window of time...
The worst problem I have is that regardless of how little time I may have in which to accomplish the most basic of chores, I manage to find other things to fill up that time. Obligations, in fact. Take today, for instance - - I have a show tonight, of course, but I should have had PLENTY of time during the day to tackle a PLETHORA of projects. (Still love that alliteration. Lol.) But Mini Me brought home a request for parent help on the rocket project at school. Since my ordinary teaching/tutoring schedule does not allow me to participate in such activities - and since Mini Me really wants her mother to come - and since her teacher desperately needs the help, I am going. It is an "obligation" that I choose to embrace. Sometimes I could definitely say, "No." But at what cost? My daughter had tears in her eyes when she found out her mother was not the one taking her to piano lessons yesterday. So today I will build a rocket.
I am combating this issue. I have drawn Xs through several days in my calendar. Yes, I did just put a date for margarita madness into one of the Xed slots, but fun with friends is an important rejuvenation technique I've learned (though I use it far too infrequently).
I am also asking friends and grandparents to entertain my over active toddler for a few days. And I just might continue to utilize this strategy in the future.
My third approach was to try giving up some sleep. But that didn't work too well. Instead, I think I must substitute the alternate strategy of accomplishing MORE during daytime hours. That means less distraction. And limiting computer time. But first, I must move on to the contacts list....
I shall write again soon.
I MUST.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Brain Fuel
The beauty of being forty is that you're so much more self aware - and mature enough to make the necessary shifts when that awareness reveals your shortcomings. The ugliness, though, is just how bad you know it is to rebel against making those shifts.
I'm definitely older now. My body makes that superficially obvious, but it's my brain that really hammers home this painful point. Suddenly all those synapses that are supposed to be firing in a certain order at a certain rhythm (or however it is your brain is supposed to work) are all messed up and tripping over themselves, it seems. Sometimes they even fall down all together and just don't want to get back up. That's when I find myself once again paralyzed - unable to so much as lift a finger to file the tiniest of papers or even pick up a coffee cup that was set up on the mantle two weeks ago and now probably resembles a science experiment.
I still haven't figured out how to deal once things get to this point - - you know, where there are SO MANY piles and SO MUCH CRAP that it would seemingly take WEEKS to sort through (though an efficient person could probably handle it all in a weekend) and so even trying to think about where to start is painful -- and for someone like me, whose brain is firing all over the place, it's that much worse because I simply CANNOT stay on task long enough to complete even ONE of these organizational projects, yet I have - - well, DR one, LR two, SR three, K four, H five, JR six, ER seven, BR eight, MR nine, BM ten... HOLY CRAP! I have like a dozen different areas of my house that are in complete chaos!!
So let's say I'm trying to clear all the paperwork off the dining room table. Here's how that goes: There is a stack of Miche sales slips which have not yet been entered into my spreadsheet, and on which there are email addresses that also need to be entered, so all I can do with them for now is stack them in a neat pile. Then there are receipts. Ditto. Over here are several pieces of Ellie's artwork -- but I don't really have anywhere to put them because her desk is stacked up worse than the DR table, and I haven't yet figured out what kind of storage system to use for her artwork, much less where to put that storage system once I acquire it. So that gets stacked more neatly and left where it is. Oh - right - here's that coupon for $150 if I open a new checking account with US Bank. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to use that -- have to see if everything will transfer fine when the sale of my current bank goes through... OH, DANG IT! Jake fell down and is crying.... And the project comes to a screeching halt.
And yet when I try to relax for a few minutes and give the kids the attention they deserve, my mind is all over the place - worrying about the stacks and piles and heaps and mounds and loads of whatnot scattered all over my freaking house.
So my sister and I talked about how restless and chaotic and overwhelmed my poor tired brain is. Hmmm.... what could cause it to go haywire this past week? we wondered. Well - there was that junior bacon cheeseburger and biggie fries I got from Wendy's -- THREE DIFFERENT TIMES. Oh, and those new herbal ADD remedies I ordered? I can hardly remember to take them every morning, much less THREE TIMES A DAY. And exercise? Who has time for that?!?
So, yes - I am self aware. And I am also intelligent enough to figure out exactly what I need to do to overcome these issues. But I'm also tired and petulant and apparently not yet mature enough to devote myself to doing them! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a vacation.
Oh, right! Luckily, I have a beach vacation scheduled for next week! Unfortunately, all that damn Wendy's has not only aged my brain, but it has further exacerbated the aging body issue. Good thing I gave up on bikinis years ago.
Seafood is good brain food. And my sister swears we're doing yoga on the beach every morning. Maybe this vacation could actually be healthy for me in more ways than one... If only I can lay off the banana daiquiris. ;o)
I'm definitely older now. My body makes that superficially obvious, but it's my brain that really hammers home this painful point. Suddenly all those synapses that are supposed to be firing in a certain order at a certain rhythm (or however it is your brain is supposed to work) are all messed up and tripping over themselves, it seems. Sometimes they even fall down all together and just don't want to get back up. That's when I find myself once again paralyzed - unable to so much as lift a finger to file the tiniest of papers or even pick up a coffee cup that was set up on the mantle two weeks ago and now probably resembles a science experiment.
I still haven't figured out how to deal once things get to this point - - you know, where there are SO MANY piles and SO MUCH CRAP that it would seemingly take WEEKS to sort through (though an efficient person could probably handle it all in a weekend) and so even trying to think about where to start is painful -- and for someone like me, whose brain is firing all over the place, it's that much worse because I simply CANNOT stay on task long enough to complete even ONE of these organizational projects, yet I have - - well, DR one, LR two, SR three, K four, H five, JR six, ER seven, BR eight, MR nine, BM ten... HOLY CRAP! I have like a dozen different areas of my house that are in complete chaos!!
So let's say I'm trying to clear all the paperwork off the dining room table. Here's how that goes: There is a stack of Miche sales slips which have not yet been entered into my spreadsheet, and on which there are email addresses that also need to be entered, so all I can do with them for now is stack them in a neat pile. Then there are receipts. Ditto. Over here are several pieces of Ellie's artwork -- but I don't really have anywhere to put them because her desk is stacked up worse than the DR table, and I haven't yet figured out what kind of storage system to use for her artwork, much less where to put that storage system once I acquire it. So that gets stacked more neatly and left where it is. Oh - right - here's that coupon for $150 if I open a new checking account with US Bank. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to use that -- have to see if everything will transfer fine when the sale of my current bank goes through... OH, DANG IT! Jake fell down and is crying.... And the project comes to a screeching halt.
And yet when I try to relax for a few minutes and give the kids the attention they deserve, my mind is all over the place - worrying about the stacks and piles and heaps and mounds and loads of whatnot scattered all over my freaking house.
So my sister and I talked about how restless and chaotic and overwhelmed my poor tired brain is. Hmmm.... what could cause it to go haywire this past week? we wondered. Well - there was that junior bacon cheeseburger and biggie fries I got from Wendy's -- THREE DIFFERENT TIMES. Oh, and those new herbal ADD remedies I ordered? I can hardly remember to take them every morning, much less THREE TIMES A DAY. And exercise? Who has time for that?!?
So, yes - I am self aware. And I am also intelligent enough to figure out exactly what I need to do to overcome these issues. But I'm also tired and petulant and apparently not yet mature enough to devote myself to doing them! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a vacation.
Oh, right! Luckily, I have a beach vacation scheduled for next week! Unfortunately, all that damn Wendy's has not only aged my brain, but it has further exacerbated the aging body issue. Good thing I gave up on bikinis years ago.
Seafood is good brain food. And my sister swears we're doing yoga on the beach every morning. Maybe this vacation could actually be healthy for me in more ways than one... If only I can lay off the banana daiquiris. ;o)
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Jumble
I wanted to write a brilliant blog today, but I can hardly even get started. It's been forever since I've found the time - as usual, lately - and I feel I owe it to my readers to produce something poignant and creative and entertaining.... But there are a million concerns going through my head - yes, also as usual - and I can't pinpoint a single one of them.
I am worried this week that the unexplained sadness I've experienced each day is a symptom of returning clinical depression. Or maybe it's just hormonal imbalance from an early period. I'm praying for the latter. It makes sense.
I'm reeling from the "suggestion" (by someone who is apparently hellbent on remaining my mortal enemy despite the immense - and obvious - benefits of being my best friend) that I need counseling. The irony is that it is his presence in my life that makes me crazy! And it is my own idiocy that causes me to allow him that influence. Time to cut that out, once and for all!
My house is as disastrous as ever! Chaos exploded in every room. Yes, that is possible. It is what happens when chaos itself multiplies and expands and works against itself. It actually creates a situation in which - by some inexplicable anti-magnetic force - items that are anywhere close to being actually organized and in their rightful places will revolt and repel each other, bounding in opposite directions to expand the clutter and foil any attempt to keep them tidy. When you subsequently fret over the resultant magnification of chaotic matter, you actually charge it electrically - like rubbing a balloon on your head until your hair is standing out in every direction. Thus chaos is multiplied exponentially.
I have - by the way - avoided being home to stress over this writhing mass by over scheduling myself, also to the nth degree.
I'm also pining for the semester to be OVER so that I might revisit some of those healthy daily habits that further soothe and maintain order in my psyche. I don't need counseling!!! I need time to do the things I KNOW I need to do to keep myself from cracking. Or snapping. Or even just screaming.
Of course Little Man has taken up yelling. That's fun.
And I'd really like some sun. WARM sun. Thank God for my upcoming vacation!
I've met someone - sort of - that a new friend introduced me to - via email - and he seems to be opulently spiritual (an intentional contradiction in terms) and deliciously intriguing. I tried warning him of my inner chaos, but he would not be easily scared off, and thus I think I may have just made a valuable new friend.
Today a valuable, not-quite-as-new friend also shared some emotionally deep insight into my last post, and that blissful moment of connection was a delectable treat as well.
I think my current wish is to cut out the challenges.... WAIT - I know that's impossible.... hmmm..... I suppose I would wish to cut out the ferocious reactions that spring forth unbidden every time I encounter a challenge lately... and yes, I CAN cut out the instigator of most of those challenges. Why not learn a little from the king of selfish? Start focusing on me for once - and not always try to do every single possible thing to serve someone else - particularly someone so ungrateful and greedy and consistently self-centered and inconsiderate and defensive and insensitive and distinctly NOT empathetic!
I wish I would have started this taking care of myself thing by wearing a warmer sweater today.
But perhaps I should be grateful to this sudden coldness for distracting me from many of my worries...
Maybe I should go see what kind of soup is being served for lunch today. Soup is always a good way to start feeling better. :o) In any case, it's a start.
I am worried this week that the unexplained sadness I've experienced each day is a symptom of returning clinical depression. Or maybe it's just hormonal imbalance from an early period. I'm praying for the latter. It makes sense.
I'm reeling from the "suggestion" (by someone who is apparently hellbent on remaining my mortal enemy despite the immense - and obvious - benefits of being my best friend) that I need counseling. The irony is that it is his presence in my life that makes me crazy! And it is my own idiocy that causes me to allow him that influence. Time to cut that out, once and for all!
My house is as disastrous as ever! Chaos exploded in every room. Yes, that is possible. It is what happens when chaos itself multiplies and expands and works against itself. It actually creates a situation in which - by some inexplicable anti-magnetic force - items that are anywhere close to being actually organized and in their rightful places will revolt and repel each other, bounding in opposite directions to expand the clutter and foil any attempt to keep them tidy. When you subsequently fret over the resultant magnification of chaotic matter, you actually charge it electrically - like rubbing a balloon on your head until your hair is standing out in every direction. Thus chaos is multiplied exponentially.
I have - by the way - avoided being home to stress over this writhing mass by over scheduling myself, also to the nth degree.
I'm also pining for the semester to be OVER so that I might revisit some of those healthy daily habits that further soothe and maintain order in my psyche. I don't need counseling!!! I need time to do the things I KNOW I need to do to keep myself from cracking. Or snapping. Or even just screaming.
Of course Little Man has taken up yelling. That's fun.
And I'd really like some sun. WARM sun. Thank God for my upcoming vacation!
I've met someone - sort of - that a new friend introduced me to - via email - and he seems to be opulently spiritual (an intentional contradiction in terms) and deliciously intriguing. I tried warning him of my inner chaos, but he would not be easily scared off, and thus I think I may have just made a valuable new friend.
Today a valuable, not-quite-as-new friend also shared some emotionally deep insight into my last post, and that blissful moment of connection was a delectable treat as well.
I think my current wish is to cut out the challenges.... WAIT - I know that's impossible.... hmmm..... I suppose I would wish to cut out the ferocious reactions that spring forth unbidden every time I encounter a challenge lately... and yes, I CAN cut out the instigator of most of those challenges. Why not learn a little from the king of selfish? Start focusing on me for once - and not always try to do every single possible thing to serve someone else - particularly someone so ungrateful and greedy and consistently self-centered and inconsiderate and defensive and insensitive and distinctly NOT empathetic!
I wish I would have started this taking care of myself thing by wearing a warmer sweater today.
But perhaps I should be grateful to this sudden coldness for distracting me from many of my worries...
Maybe I should go see what kind of soup is being served for lunch today. Soup is always a good way to start feeling better. :o) In any case, it's a start.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Flakes
I'm starting to think this is the worst trait a friend can have - being flaky. Admittedly defensiveness, crassness, bigotry, superficiality & materialism, meanness, and many other horrific traits make me cringe in physical pain, but I would not be friends with someone who possessed one of those traits. However, seemingly sweet, good people with whom I have thought I have had good friendships have frequently displayed unacceptable levels of flakiness -- and I'm not talking about those little white specks that decorate the shoulders of the flaker's black shirt-wear. I'm talking about the giant, heavy, wet globules that dampen (and even smother) the spirits of those burdened by them.
I know - I swore I wouldn't vent in my blog - so I further swear that's not what I'm doing. Well - not a LOT, anyway. But come on! How on earth do you ever plan your life when you don't know if you can count on someone doing what (s)he said (s)he'd do? Why even SAY you'll do it if you won't? And what about the unspoken rules of friendship - to be there for your friends?
Ok - sorry. Momentary slip.
The question is not, "Why are people so selfishly, rudely, inconsiderately flaky?!?!?" (Whoops - minor slip again. :oP) The question is, "How do we DEAL with that kind of absolute CRAP?!?" (Oh, sorry - I mean - just in general - how do we deal with it?) But this IS how we should approach such a dilemma, is it not? So this must be a blog about moving on past the flakiness without letting it affect our feelings - or our friendships.
Ok - perhaps I'm particularly sensitive to flakiness because I've spent so many years trying to apply the rules of customer service to LIFE in general. I mean, it just makes SENSE to do that. If you want to maintain a business, you must not only validate the concern and take care of it when a customer comes in angry, but you must do everything you can up front to avoid customer unhappiness in the first place. Isn't that how personal relationships are supposed to work as well?? I had a girlfriend in college who always said, "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission." (She meant this in regard to spending her fiance's money.) But seriously - - IS it? I mean, once you've gone behind someone's back and done something you know that person doesn't want you to do, how can it be better? Yeah - if she bought herself a new pair of Jimmy Choos (which probably weren't even around back in the dark ages when I was in college, but let's not get technical here), though he'd have been mad, he probably wouldn't have made her take them back. But my gosh - if that's everyone's exclusive goal - to ultimately get what they want - then we'd all be swimming in selfishness --- or rather drowning it. Wouldn't those ridiculously expensive shoes eventually cost her much more than simply dollars? Wouldn't his trust be damaged - and possibly even - eventually - destroyed? Wouldn't their relationship thus suffer from that lack of trust? And isn't trust more valuable than a pair of freaking shoes?!?!
What about feelings? We all have them. So shouldn't we all understand what other people are likely to feel as a result of our actions? It seems pretty simple to me. If I tell a friend I'll be somewhere, she is going to expect me to be there. Why shouldn't she? I SAID I'd be there. If I just blow it off, then I am clearly indicating to her that her feelings don't matter to me. Isn't that obvious? Forgetfulness is forgivable, certainly,
but there are ways to avoid forgetting. And my gosh, but if you forget you should certainly express regret over it, right?? So when someone doesn't even seem to realize that the flakiness is an issue - doesn't apologize - doesn't seem to even notice that you are an actual human person with feelings, then what kind of friend IS that?!?!
But whoops -- I'm doing that unproductive venting thing again. REALLY SORRY. Forgive me. Please.
Ok - HOW TO DEAL.
Well.
Hmmmmm....
Maybe this is why I keep getting sidetracked.
? ? ? ? ??????????
How the heck do you deal with not being able to count on someone? Not feeling like your feelings even matter? Not being a priority to someone YOU make a priority in YOUR life? How do you deal with lack of consideration from someone who should be entirely, totally, 100% considerate of you because THAT is what friendship means?!?!
You know what - I actually think the answer is quite simple: you decide if what you gain from the relationship (which should be questionable if you can't count on someone - I mean, are they even around to provide "gains"??) outweighs the challenges. If it doesn't, you cut bait and go fishing for other, TRUE friends. If it does, you accept that you might never be able to count on that person, but you choose to be friends anyway - for whatever it is you DO gain from the relationship.
Sometimes we just have to develop thicker skins - choose not to take things so personally.
I recently ended a friendship with a woman who made it impossible to even HAVE a true "friendship" with her because she flaked out on so many things so much of the time. Do I miss her? Maybe. If she could have actually followed through on get togethers (and even phone calls!) then we would've spent some great time together. But she couldn't, so we didn't, and there is nothing to miss. The friendship was nonexistent anyway. I currently have another "friend" who is the same way. Her follow through is so consistently nonexistent that there really is no actual friendship - - but we share a connection that makes it impossible for me to cut her out completely. I can, however, stop counting on her and put myself out of my misery! And then there are those friends who ARE there at times. Maybe not all the time - and maybe they're not even aware that it affects me when they flake - but they do add to my life in very positive ways when they can (or choose). And much of the time those positives are actually pretty fabulous.
So I'd rather hold onto the positives and ignore the negatives - - at least until I get blown off on something significant - - like my 40th birthday party, or my retirement dinner, or my funeral - - - now THAT is the kind of thing I think I'd have to end a friendship over.
I know - I swore I wouldn't vent in my blog - so I further swear that's not what I'm doing. Well - not a LOT, anyway. But come on! How on earth do you ever plan your life when you don't know if you can count on someone doing what (s)he said (s)he'd do? Why even SAY you'll do it if you won't? And what about the unspoken rules of friendship - to be there for your friends?
Ok - sorry. Momentary slip.
The question is not, "Why are people so selfishly, rudely, inconsiderately flaky?!?!?" (Whoops - minor slip again. :oP) The question is, "How do we DEAL with that kind of absolute CRAP?!?" (Oh, sorry - I mean - just in general - how do we deal with it?) But this IS how we should approach such a dilemma, is it not? So this must be a blog about moving on past the flakiness without letting it affect our feelings - or our friendships.
Ok - perhaps I'm particularly sensitive to flakiness because I've spent so many years trying to apply the rules of customer service to LIFE in general. I mean, it just makes SENSE to do that. If you want to maintain a business, you must not only validate the concern and take care of it when a customer comes in angry, but you must do everything you can up front to avoid customer unhappiness in the first place. Isn't that how personal relationships are supposed to work as well?? I had a girlfriend in college who always said, "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission." (She meant this in regard to spending her fiance's money.) But seriously - - IS it? I mean, once you've gone behind someone's back and done something you know that person doesn't want you to do, how can it be better? Yeah - if she bought herself a new pair of Jimmy Choos (which probably weren't even around back in the dark ages when I was in college, but let's not get technical here), though he'd have been mad, he probably wouldn't have made her take them back. But my gosh - if that's everyone's exclusive goal - to ultimately get what they want - then we'd all be swimming in selfishness --- or rather drowning it. Wouldn't those ridiculously expensive shoes eventually cost her much more than simply dollars? Wouldn't his trust be damaged - and possibly even - eventually - destroyed? Wouldn't their relationship thus suffer from that lack of trust? And isn't trust more valuable than a pair of freaking shoes?!?!
What about feelings? We all have them. So shouldn't we all understand what other people are likely to feel as a result of our actions? It seems pretty simple to me. If I tell a friend I'll be somewhere, she is going to expect me to be there. Why shouldn't she? I SAID I'd be there. If I just blow it off, then I am clearly indicating to her that her feelings don't matter to me. Isn't that obvious? Forgetfulness is forgivable, certainly,
but there are ways to avoid forgetting. And my gosh, but if you forget you should certainly express regret over it, right?? So when someone doesn't even seem to realize that the flakiness is an issue - doesn't apologize - doesn't seem to even notice that you are an actual human person with feelings, then what kind of friend IS that?!?!
But whoops -- I'm doing that unproductive venting thing again. REALLY SORRY. Forgive me. Please.
Ok - HOW TO DEAL.
Well.
Hmmmmm....
Maybe this is why I keep getting sidetracked.
? ? ? ? ??????????
How the heck do you deal with not being able to count on someone? Not feeling like your feelings even matter? Not being a priority to someone YOU make a priority in YOUR life? How do you deal with lack of consideration from someone who should be entirely, totally, 100% considerate of you because THAT is what friendship means?!?!
You know what - I actually think the answer is quite simple: you decide if what you gain from the relationship (which should be questionable if you can't count on someone - I mean, are they even around to provide "gains"??) outweighs the challenges. If it doesn't, you cut bait and go fishing for other, TRUE friends. If it does, you accept that you might never be able to count on that person, but you choose to be friends anyway - for whatever it is you DO gain from the relationship.
Sometimes we just have to develop thicker skins - choose not to take things so personally.
I recently ended a friendship with a woman who made it impossible to even HAVE a true "friendship" with her because she flaked out on so many things so much of the time. Do I miss her? Maybe. If she could have actually followed through on get togethers (and even phone calls!) then we would've spent some great time together. But she couldn't, so we didn't, and there is nothing to miss. The friendship was nonexistent anyway. I currently have another "friend" who is the same way. Her follow through is so consistently nonexistent that there really is no actual friendship - - but we share a connection that makes it impossible for me to cut her out completely. I can, however, stop counting on her and put myself out of my misery! And then there are those friends who ARE there at times. Maybe not all the time - and maybe they're not even aware that it affects me when they flake - but they do add to my life in very positive ways when they can (or choose). And much of the time those positives are actually pretty fabulous.
So I'd rather hold onto the positives and ignore the negatives - - at least until I get blown off on something significant - - like my 40th birthday party, or my retirement dinner, or my funeral - - - now THAT is the kind of thing I think I'd have to end a friendship over.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
And I lied AGAIN
I haven't written much. This is good and bad - - good because it means I've been busy. Bad because it also means I'd have had to gripe about a couple things that have slammed me in the midst of my busy-ness - - and I adamantly refuse to gripe on here. Lament past anguish - sure. But straight up vent - cattily, viciously, or otherwise - no way.
Here is how I've coped, though:
- The kids and I had a sleepover with my mother while Dad was away. We laughed and joked over Chinese food. It was yummy all the way around.
- I ordered "herbal remedies" and have been taking them faithfully for a couple days.
- I also indulged in lots of wine with some hysterically entertaining (and poignantly real) women who have become treasured new friends.
- I hosted a jewelry show so that I might add to my already excessive collection. (It feels darn good to sport bling!!)
- And I was nice to Little Man's sd. Am still being nice, in fact. (I'll have to keep you posted on that one, though - it rarely lasts more than a few days.)
Now I'm going to shower - - something I desperately need to do. Later, I'm going to try like heck to sell a LOT of Miche Bags. (And pray that the retail gods are smiling on me today because yesterday's show was an absolute bust. UGH.)
Gosh, I love that when I blog I can write in fragments. Another plus!
Here is how I've coped, though:
- The kids and I had a sleepover with my mother while Dad was away. We laughed and joked over Chinese food. It was yummy all the way around.
- I ordered "herbal remedies" and have been taking them faithfully for a couple days.
- I also indulged in lots of wine with some hysterically entertaining (and poignantly real) women who have become treasured new friends.
- I hosted a jewelry show so that I might add to my already excessive collection. (It feels darn good to sport bling!!)
- And I was nice to Little Man's sd. Am still being nice, in fact. (I'll have to keep you posted on that one, though - it rarely lasts more than a few days.)
Now I'm going to shower - - something I desperately need to do. Later, I'm going to try like heck to sell a LOT of Miche Bags. (And pray that the retail gods are smiling on me today because yesterday's show was an absolute bust. UGH.)
Gosh, I love that when I blog I can write in fragments. Another plus!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I lied.
So I didn't write again on Sunday. But shoot - there's been so much going on. And honestly, I don't feel like writing now - - but guilt can be a powerful motivator.
Of course I don't know what to say exactly. There are - once again - a zillion things going through my head.
Ugh, I don't have time to deal with brake issues in my car! - I hope my sis didn't have a horrifically sad day in the midst of her grief over losing her beloved kitty - how can I help my students "get" grammar when I've simplified the approach as much as I can?!? - I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping - I've got five Miche shows in the next 8 days and I'm not ready!! - do I go to Kiwanis in the morning or skip it?? - oh my god my sides hurt from yoga last night! - should I sneak in a couple more games on Webkinz? - isn't it pathetic that I play on Webkinz? - why have I been so irritated by everyone lately?? - I seriously hate grading and I just can't figure out why because I honestly don't mind it - yeah, that didn't make sense, but I know what I mean - I hate being sick - I wonder how many students I grossed out tonight with my constantly running nose - I should get up and wash my face - and take out my contacts - I love Rachel Maddow! She's just so darned smart and funny - I hate feeling like life is about just getting through one more day's worth of busy-ness - CRAP! I need to do my taxes - I must stop eating fast food!! - I have to pee - shoot, I hope Little Man doesn't keep yelling all the time - why, why, why, why, why do I always have piles and piles of random stuff all over the place??? - I've got to fill out a schedule - but I'll never stick to it, so what's the point? - my ears feel funky - ok, just one more game on Webkinz - or maybe two - three tops - then I MUST sleep.
Well, after I reach level 5.
Have I ever reached level 5 before?
Ok - then as soon as I start nodding off.
I really don't think I'm going to Kiwanis.
Oh, well.
Of course I don't know what to say exactly. There are - once again - a zillion things going through my head.
Ugh, I don't have time to deal with brake issues in my car! - I hope my sis didn't have a horrifically sad day in the midst of her grief over losing her beloved kitty - how can I help my students "get" grammar when I've simplified the approach as much as I can?!? - I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping - I've got five Miche shows in the next 8 days and I'm not ready!! - do I go to Kiwanis in the morning or skip it?? - oh my god my sides hurt from yoga last night! - should I sneak in a couple more games on Webkinz? - isn't it pathetic that I play on Webkinz? - why have I been so irritated by everyone lately?? - I seriously hate grading and I just can't figure out why because I honestly don't mind it - yeah, that didn't make sense, but I know what I mean - I hate being sick - I wonder how many students I grossed out tonight with my constantly running nose - I should get up and wash my face - and take out my contacts - I love Rachel Maddow! She's just so darned smart and funny - I hate feeling like life is about just getting through one more day's worth of busy-ness - CRAP! I need to do my taxes - I must stop eating fast food!! - I have to pee - shoot, I hope Little Man doesn't keep yelling all the time - why, why, why, why, why do I always have piles and piles of random stuff all over the place??? - I've got to fill out a schedule - but I'll never stick to it, so what's the point? - my ears feel funky - ok, just one more game on Webkinz - or maybe two - three tops - then I MUST sleep.
Well, after I reach level 5.
Have I ever reached level 5 before?
Ok - then as soon as I start nodding off.
I really don't think I'm going to Kiwanis.
Oh, well.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Did I also mention...
that I need to recommit myself to writing this blog?!?!
Yeah - it's time for me to learn how to balance my commitments so that none of them are neglected. I'm REALLY bad at the procrastination thing still, and I desperately want to change that. Plus, knowing I have to write about how fabulous life is in the back forty is a great motivator to actually making life be fabulous! So there you go. I'll write again TOMORROW!
Or at least I'll try like heck. ;o)
Yeah - it's time for me to learn how to balance my commitments so that none of them are neglected. I'm REALLY bad at the procrastination thing still, and I desperately want to change that. Plus, knowing I have to write about how fabulous life is in the back forty is a great motivator to actually making life be fabulous! So there you go. I'll write again TOMORROW!
Or at least I'll try like heck. ;o)
Giving
At a meeting this morning with several fellow Kiwanians, a grandmother talked about her upcoming trip to Tanzania with her 13-year-old granddaughter - a child who wants to give her time serving the people of a nation that has electricity for only three hours a day and must fetch their water and carry it into their homes. This darling grandmother has a tradition of taking her grandchildren on "vacation" every year with the only stipulation being that they spend two weeks doing volunteer work in whatever location they choose.
Sadly, most children do not grow up with this type of influence anymore.
But I realized during this conversation that even as much as I feel I "give" to others, I could certainly do more. I sat there in my cute knit hat with matching scarf - a frivolous splurge I'd purchased with Christmas money - and remembered the revulsion that had filled me for capitalistic American society after I'd read The Poisonwood Bible. No - I don't live in a sprawling home filled with expensive electronics, nor do I drive a monstrous gas guzzler. But I do own a significant collection of Lia Sophia jewelry and I don't have to do laundry very often because I always have plenty to wear. I've stepped up my giving at church, sure - - but if I had cooked dinner the other night instead of taking the kids out to eat, I could probably give TWICE as much to the church. Or I could buy several boxes of nonperishable food items to keep in the car and hand out to those poor souls I always see freezing on the street corners when I visit the Chicago area. Shoot - we certainly didn't need to eat $30 worth of Thai food that night. How many people out there have virtually nothing to eat, and yet I throw away food every week because it has sat too long in my fridge NOT being eaten?
And my other failure lately has been not writing this blog. So why am I not taking my passion toward such worthwhile topics as giving more to others and writing about them?!?
I'm just as guilty as anyone... I get so caught up in my own life and my own busy-ness that I put aside the things that supposedly matter to me. And I really want to try to STOP doing that.
So new goal - - - on top of budgeting my earnings to include saving for my and the kids' future (which is - realistically - an important goal to adopt, otherwise I may find myself desperately in need one day), I will include more giving. And I won't treat myself to jewelry and other splurges (like the new leather boots I've been pining for) until I've committed an equal amount of money to someone who truly needs new shoes, or for whom a piece of jewelry would be a priceless, unique gift - not just one more item for an already excessive collection.
AND I'll be honest when I fail. Because I will fail. Let's just hope I'll fail less than usual.
Sadly, most children do not grow up with this type of influence anymore.
But I realized during this conversation that even as much as I feel I "give" to others, I could certainly do more. I sat there in my cute knit hat with matching scarf - a frivolous splurge I'd purchased with Christmas money - and remembered the revulsion that had filled me for capitalistic American society after I'd read The Poisonwood Bible. No - I don't live in a sprawling home filled with expensive electronics, nor do I drive a monstrous gas guzzler. But I do own a significant collection of Lia Sophia jewelry and I don't have to do laundry very often because I always have plenty to wear. I've stepped up my giving at church, sure - - but if I had cooked dinner the other night instead of taking the kids out to eat, I could probably give TWICE as much to the church. Or I could buy several boxes of nonperishable food items to keep in the car and hand out to those poor souls I always see freezing on the street corners when I visit the Chicago area. Shoot - we certainly didn't need to eat $30 worth of Thai food that night. How many people out there have virtually nothing to eat, and yet I throw away food every week because it has sat too long in my fridge NOT being eaten?
And my other failure lately has been not writing this blog. So why am I not taking my passion toward such worthwhile topics as giving more to others and writing about them?!?
I'm just as guilty as anyone... I get so caught up in my own life and my own busy-ness that I put aside the things that supposedly matter to me. And I really want to try to STOP doing that.
So new goal - - - on top of budgeting my earnings to include saving for my and the kids' future (which is - realistically - an important goal to adopt, otherwise I may find myself desperately in need one day), I will include more giving. And I won't treat myself to jewelry and other splurges (like the new leather boots I've been pining for) until I've committed an equal amount of money to someone who truly needs new shoes, or for whom a piece of jewelry would be a priceless, unique gift - not just one more item for an already excessive collection.
AND I'll be honest when I fail. Because I will fail. Let's just hope I'll fail less than usual.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
LIES
I'll never forget the first time a boyfriend lied to me. Or I suppose I should say, the first time I realized a boyfriend had lied to me. I think I would have preferred he take a very real, very sharp knife and literally slice directly into my gut with it then twist it around and around and back and forth until my intestines all spilled onto the ground and I bled to death. That would have felt better, I think, than the emotional agony I experienced as a result of his lie. So why would someone DO something like that?
Don't get me wrong - I think I understand the motivation behind lies. I've been personally guilty of concocting way more lies than I care to admit, even to myself, so I know that telling a lie is a truly selfish, immature, cowardly way of avoiding a problem that I myself have caused. But as I've grown up, I've learned to embrace a set of values that dictate not that I can no longer lie, but that I can longer DO those things about which I would HAVE to lie. Whether someone is looking or not, I just can't be that person anymore. I couldn't live with my children knowing that I did the kind of bad things I teach them not to do. I couldn't respect myself if my students knew I did things that demonstrated an utter LACK of self respect. Sure, I could fool myself into thinking that I'd never get caught. How would my kids know if I lied to a friend? How would my students know if I got drunk at a bar in Chicago and had a one night stand with some random guy whose name I didn't bother to learn? They probably wouldn't. But I would. And I don't want to be that person.
When that same boyfriend I mentioned earlier finally told me the TRUTH about something pretty hideously hurtful, I was amazed to realize that I had been right all along - - I really did want to know the truth, no matter how bad it was. I can still hear his voice as he callously admitted that he wanted to sleep with someone else. And I can still feel the relief that washed over me at that moment, like a warm, comforting bath, washing away the pain the prior lies had caused. No - I wouldn't rather have remained in the dark, clueless as to his extracurricular activities. No - it didn't feel better to hear him claim his undying love for me and his wish to work things out in our relationship. I felt horribly burdened by some invisible force that kept pressing hard against my head and my heart. I knew it was a lie! And the truth really does set you free. Trust me - it's definitely not fun to realize your boyfriend wants to or has already slept with someone else, but it's soooooooo much better than knowing deep down at a cellular level that something is wrong (and women always know -- we feel it all the way through to the very nuclei of our cells!) and having him DENY IT.
You can DEAL with the truth. When he says there's nothing wrong, there's NOTHING you can do! And being completely powerless is an equally horrible feeling.
So you'd think with all this experience I have with major lies that I'd be immune to the power of smaller, ridiculously pointless lies. But nope. Those lies still hurt like hell, too.
If you're going to stay somewhere later than you said you were going to, why not just TELL ME? Who the hell cares if you linger and have a beer before you show up to do what you told me you were going to do for me, as long as you respect me enough to be honest with me?!? But lie to me - concoct some ridiculous story about how the job took sooooo much longer than you thought it would and you came right over immediately afterward, even though I can TELL you've been drinking, and now I think you're a complete jerk for having zero work ethic - and zero concern for how you make ME feel. If I meant anything to you at all, you would trust me with the truth - you would respect me with the truth - you would never consider telling me anything except the truth.
But that's the thing about liars. They only care about how THEY feel.
I know this. And I know the lies aren't personal. But when you're the victim of the lie - and you suddenly realize that your reality has completely shifted and you don't even know what that reality is because you have no idea how many lies there really are - how can it not FEEL personal?
And when you've made truly significant choices based on those lies - when you believed they were truth - how do you recover from the pain of knowing that you were duped? How do you recover the trust?
THAT is what the liars don't realize - and don't care about. The thing about liars is that they're REALLY good at lying to themselves, too. So even if they lose you, they never believe it's their fault. Hell, they don't even believe it matters to have lost you! They lie to themselves so that they can move on and maintain their own happiness safe within their little fantasy world, and they don't give another single thought to whether you're still lying there in agony, surrounded by the ever growing pool of blood seeping from the wounds they've inflicted upon you with their lies.
Thank God the wounds don't have to be fatal, if we don't let them. It might be a slow, difficult process, but we can sew ourselves up and begin to heal. If we tend to ourselves carefully enough, we might even be able to avoid scars - - or at least make sure they fade considerably.
The danger is in allowing the liar to come back and rip the wounds wide open again. It would be pretty stupid to do THAT. And trust me - - that is exactly what will happen if you let a liar come back.
I should know.
:o(
But yes - there MUST be a fabulous aspect to all of this, right? And there is.
There is the knowledge that I'm strong enough to drag myself back up again, no matter how many times I've been pushed down. There is the beautiful circle of friends and family and my children to whom I can turn for support and love and fun. And there is the knowledge that no matter what I thought I knew or what someone else actually did, it is in the past, and I have infallible knowledge of my current reality - and I can make it whatever I want it to be. I can rely on myself - my own truth - and I can look in the mirror knowing that I am making the right choices for the right reasons - - and even those choices I might have made in the past, albeit they were based on lies, can't be all that bad if they led me to where I am right now. :o)
The liar may choose to continue to lie, but I can choose not to listen anymore.
Don't get me wrong - I think I understand the motivation behind lies. I've been personally guilty of concocting way more lies than I care to admit, even to myself, so I know that telling a lie is a truly selfish, immature, cowardly way of avoiding a problem that I myself have caused. But as I've grown up, I've learned to embrace a set of values that dictate not that I can no longer lie, but that I can longer DO those things about which I would HAVE to lie. Whether someone is looking or not, I just can't be that person anymore. I couldn't live with my children knowing that I did the kind of bad things I teach them not to do. I couldn't respect myself if my students knew I did things that demonstrated an utter LACK of self respect. Sure, I could fool myself into thinking that I'd never get caught. How would my kids know if I lied to a friend? How would my students know if I got drunk at a bar in Chicago and had a one night stand with some random guy whose name I didn't bother to learn? They probably wouldn't. But I would. And I don't want to be that person.
When that same boyfriend I mentioned earlier finally told me the TRUTH about something pretty hideously hurtful, I was amazed to realize that I had been right all along - - I really did want to know the truth, no matter how bad it was. I can still hear his voice as he callously admitted that he wanted to sleep with someone else. And I can still feel the relief that washed over me at that moment, like a warm, comforting bath, washing away the pain the prior lies had caused. No - I wouldn't rather have remained in the dark, clueless as to his extracurricular activities. No - it didn't feel better to hear him claim his undying love for me and his wish to work things out in our relationship. I felt horribly burdened by some invisible force that kept pressing hard against my head and my heart. I knew it was a lie! And the truth really does set you free. Trust me - it's definitely not fun to realize your boyfriend wants to or has already slept with someone else, but it's soooooooo much better than knowing deep down at a cellular level that something is wrong (and women always know -- we feel it all the way through to the very nuclei of our cells!) and having him DENY IT.
You can DEAL with the truth. When he says there's nothing wrong, there's NOTHING you can do! And being completely powerless is an equally horrible feeling.
So you'd think with all this experience I have with major lies that I'd be immune to the power of smaller, ridiculously pointless lies. But nope. Those lies still hurt like hell, too.
If you're going to stay somewhere later than you said you were going to, why not just TELL ME? Who the hell cares if you linger and have a beer before you show up to do what you told me you were going to do for me, as long as you respect me enough to be honest with me?!? But lie to me - concoct some ridiculous story about how the job took sooooo much longer than you thought it would and you came right over immediately afterward, even though I can TELL you've been drinking, and now I think you're a complete jerk for having zero work ethic - and zero concern for how you make ME feel. If I meant anything to you at all, you would trust me with the truth - you would respect me with the truth - you would never consider telling me anything except the truth.
But that's the thing about liars. They only care about how THEY feel.
I know this. And I know the lies aren't personal. But when you're the victim of the lie - and you suddenly realize that your reality has completely shifted and you don't even know what that reality is because you have no idea how many lies there really are - how can it not FEEL personal?
And when you've made truly significant choices based on those lies - when you believed they were truth - how do you recover from the pain of knowing that you were duped? How do you recover the trust?
THAT is what the liars don't realize - and don't care about. The thing about liars is that they're REALLY good at lying to themselves, too. So even if they lose you, they never believe it's their fault. Hell, they don't even believe it matters to have lost you! They lie to themselves so that they can move on and maintain their own happiness safe within their little fantasy world, and they don't give another single thought to whether you're still lying there in agony, surrounded by the ever growing pool of blood seeping from the wounds they've inflicted upon you with their lies.
Thank God the wounds don't have to be fatal, if we don't let them. It might be a slow, difficult process, but we can sew ourselves up and begin to heal. If we tend to ourselves carefully enough, we might even be able to avoid scars - - or at least make sure they fade considerably.
The danger is in allowing the liar to come back and rip the wounds wide open again. It would be pretty stupid to do THAT. And trust me - - that is exactly what will happen if you let a liar come back.
I should know.
:o(
But yes - there MUST be a fabulous aspect to all of this, right? And there is.
There is the knowledge that I'm strong enough to drag myself back up again, no matter how many times I've been pushed down. There is the beautiful circle of friends and family and my children to whom I can turn for support and love and fun. And there is the knowledge that no matter what I thought I knew or what someone else actually did, it is in the past, and I have infallible knowledge of my current reality - and I can make it whatever I want it to be. I can rely on myself - my own truth - and I can look in the mirror knowing that I am making the right choices for the right reasons - - and even those choices I might have made in the past, albeit they were based on lies, can't be all that bad if they led me to where I am right now. :o)
The liar may choose to continue to lie, but I can choose not to listen anymore.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wee wee wee...
No, actually that's "Wii Wii Wii!!!!" Or perhaps just "Wii Wii" because we spent two days straight playing the Wii this weekend. And it was a BLAST. How hysterical that a video game can turn adults back into children! How ironic that it can also turn sweet, nurturing women into competitive, ruthless slayers.
But truly, what better way is there to leave your stresses behind, work out your body and your mind, and indulge in some major laughter therapy??
While my Sassy friend was here on Friday, we could have been complaining about work. We could've indulged in gossip. I suppose we could've attempted to save the world by analyzing solutions to all of it's problems - though we have enough problems to solve right within our little work world, so we rarely branch out beyond that... But the point is that rather than spending our "free" time stoking the fire of fury we so often feel in regard to the struggles in our jobs, we let go.
And then I did the same thing - for even LONGER - when my sis was here yesterday. In fact, that is specifically what she came to do: to play the Wii. Why not? It's freaking FUN! Even Little Man has been getting into it - - with help, of course.
The truth is, I think we'd all be so much happier if we indulged in child's play more often. Couple it with a physical workout and mental strategy and we're no longer simply indulging - - we're doing ourselves a huge favor - physically, mentally, spiritually.
I highly recommend everyone try the Wii - especially the Wii Fit Plus and Sports Resort. No - you can NOT get the same benefits from other video games that have you sitting on your bum while you commit crimes and murder people violently through sprays of blood and gore. (On the Wii, there is no death - just comical writhing and twitching on the ground at times - and humorous flattening of wide eyed Miis unsure of what has just befallen them.) Check one out from the video store and test it out. Seriously. This may just be one of the best inventions EVER.
But truly, what better way is there to leave your stresses behind, work out your body and your mind, and indulge in some major laughter therapy??
While my Sassy friend was here on Friday, we could have been complaining about work. We could've indulged in gossip. I suppose we could've attempted to save the world by analyzing solutions to all of it's problems - though we have enough problems to solve right within our little work world, so we rarely branch out beyond that... But the point is that rather than spending our "free" time stoking the fire of fury we so often feel in regard to the struggles in our jobs, we let go.
And then I did the same thing - for even LONGER - when my sis was here yesterday. In fact, that is specifically what she came to do: to play the Wii. Why not? It's freaking FUN! Even Little Man has been getting into it - - with help, of course.
The truth is, I think we'd all be so much happier if we indulged in child's play more often. Couple it with a physical workout and mental strategy and we're no longer simply indulging - - we're doing ourselves a huge favor - physically, mentally, spiritually.
I highly recommend everyone try the Wii - especially the Wii Fit Plus and Sports Resort. No - you can NOT get the same benefits from other video games that have you sitting on your bum while you commit crimes and murder people violently through sprays of blood and gore. (On the Wii, there is no death - just comical writhing and twitching on the ground at times - and humorous flattening of wide eyed Miis unsure of what has just befallen them.) Check one out from the video store and test it out. Seriously. This may just be one of the best inventions EVER.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Victims
This term is supposed to refer to such people as the innocent, helpless Haitians who did nothing to bring such tragedy upon themselves. Wives whose husbands manipulate them psychologically while they beat them physically are victims. Even teenagers who wind up pregnant thanks to their horrifically low self esteem and nonexistent sense of identity are victims. And these people deserve our sympathy, our prayers, and our aid.
But what makes me crazy is that so many adults willingly adopt a victim mentality.
AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Why, people? Why would you CHOOSE to be victims?
First off, when you decide you're not at fault - that the universe is conspiring against you, or someone you love is really out to get you, or your circumstances simply stand in the way - you give up all power to change your life! You can't be happy - you can't be successful - you can't even be sane if you constantly believe you are not in control.
Ok - yeah - there are things over which we have no control. A huge, freaking dump truck load of things, in fact. And yes, they can tend to weigh on us just a wee bit. I should know -- I've endured many of them: mental and physical abuse, debt, failure, rejection, termination, betrayal, illness, vindictiveness, manipulation, deceit... I've hurt so badly at times that each and every cell in my body has screamed and sobbed and begged for the earth to simply swallow me up. So I know how easy it is to want to give up and merely cry accusingly, "WHY, GOD? WHY?!?!" But if I did - - if I let those things defeat me - - then where would I be now? Would I even be here?
Accepting misery and defeat is not an acceptable option in my world. Absolutely NOT.
So when life has left me feeling entirely mistreated, I treat myself. And when I screw up and cause my life to go haywire, I realize that no one else is going to fix it for me - I have to make the difference. Come on! Even if I lost my house, crashed my car, got fired from my job, and turned ugly, I'd still have to find a way to be happy. Seriously - who wants to choose agony forever??
It's like I've said before -- it's all in how you look at things.
No house? Renting is actually much more convenient. Someone ELSE does your yard work, fixes your leaky pipes, and replaces the hot water heater when it conks out.
No car? I'll get into AWESOME shape having to walk everywhere! And just think of how much money I'll save on gas.
No job? Hmmm... time off to play for a while? Opportunity to start that new business venture I always dreamed of? Or maybe just the chance to find another job I'll actually end up liking even better.
No looks? I won't get hit on by total wackos anymore. :o)
And if I DO screw up myself? Shoot - there's no better way to gain admiration and respect than to own a mistake and fix it. (And seriously - - who have you known that was perfect? Don't those supposedly perfect people just drive you absolutely NUTS?!? I'd much rather know people who are endearingly imperfect but who are strong and confident enough to admit when they make a mistake!) Embarrassment is agonizing - starting over is terrifying - but screwing up has never completely ended my life. Stalled it a bit, yes - but there's a lot of learning to be done during those stalled moments.
Regardless - if I always spend my time resenting people or circumstances, then I'll just shrivel up into a miserable little ball of human waste. Who wants THAT?!?
So despite the fact that my mother can drive me crazy at times, I remind myself of all the wonderful help she gives me, without which I'd be lost. When my house is a wreck, I don't get angry that I have to deal with so many obligations that I just can't find time to clean - I gratefully acknowledge that my life is full, and I choose to engage in purposeful activities outside the home rather than living in a picture perfect sitcom cottage. (No one really lives that way, anyway - - at least no one normal.) And even though I used to want a safe, secure, comfortable, "normal" family life, I thank GOD for giving me such beautiful, amazing children and the freedom to live my life as I choose - without the typical compromises and concessions a married woman has to make.
I remember once being wrongfully accused of petulant actions that got me kicked out of a musical in which I was to essentially share a leading role. The accusation completely blindsided me, and the hardest part was not being able to do anything about it. "If you knew me," I told the director, "you'd know that all you have to do is tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I'd make it right." But she didn't know me - yet - and she didn't have time to mess with giving me a chance. So I was out. And it hurt. And I was seriously embarrassed.
But not long after that I sat at a theater company meeting in which it was announced that a House Manager was needed for this same show (the house manager being the person who works veerrrryyyy closely with the director to make sure everything is handled correctly in the "front of house"). And so I volunteered.
My peers were shocked. They knew that the director had booted me from her cast. They assumed I was wounded and (rightfully) angry - which I was. But I also knew two things: either 1) the director was wrong about me and I had to prove to her what kind of person I really was, or 2) she was right about me, and I had to become a better person. And so I became that director's right arm. And by the end of the show she absolutely loved me.
In any case, I think I would have made Steven Covey proud.
I look back at that experience and what I remember are the comments I received from cast and crew at the wrap party - - how impressed they were that I had been proactive and done such a beautiful job regardless of how the director had initially treated me. What a success I felt I was at the end of that show. And what a miserable lump I could have chosen to be instead.
Doing the right thing despite unfair treatment doesn't always work - at least not immediately. When the principal at the last high school at which I taught flung ludicrous accusation after ludicrous (and blatantly fictitious) accusation at me in a (successful) attempt to force me to quit, I could do nothing to change his mind. Of course he was a very small little man (tiny, actually, despite his towering height) with absolutely no backbone (or testicles, I would venture to guess) who was only doing his boss's bidding, regardless of the blatant injustice or the negative impact on his students. Still - by refusing to crumble under his cruelty, I guided my students to success on their AP exam at the end of that school year, chose to take a part-time teaching job that I like even better in many ways (and which allows me to be a MOM, finally!), and have begun pursuing other "dreams" I had put off or didn't realize yet existed. I could have fought him - blamed - hated - accused... but I would have lost. I had no tenure. He had the superintendent. I would've been further defeated, degraded, and depressed. Instead, I am HAPPY. I'm not where I thought I would be - career-wise - but it turns out I'm in a better place.
So I just don't get it. Why would anyone choose to see themself as a victim? Instead, why wouldn't they grab life by the horns, mount the beast, and hold on through that rough ride? Fall off - nurse the bruises and sew up the cuts - rest, refuel, & rejuvenate - and climb right back on....
But I suppose if someone would rather just lie there and get trampled, it's their prerogative to choose that, too. But UGH. I can't still figure out WHY THEY WOULD!!!!!
But what makes me crazy is that so many adults willingly adopt a victim mentality.
AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Why, people? Why would you CHOOSE to be victims?
First off, when you decide you're not at fault - that the universe is conspiring against you, or someone you love is really out to get you, or your circumstances simply stand in the way - you give up all power to change your life! You can't be happy - you can't be successful - you can't even be sane if you constantly believe you are not in control.
Ok - yeah - there are things over which we have no control. A huge, freaking dump truck load of things, in fact. And yes, they can tend to weigh on us just a wee bit. I should know -- I've endured many of them: mental and physical abuse, debt, failure, rejection, termination, betrayal, illness, vindictiveness, manipulation, deceit... I've hurt so badly at times that each and every cell in my body has screamed and sobbed and begged for the earth to simply swallow me up. So I know how easy it is to want to give up and merely cry accusingly, "WHY, GOD? WHY?!?!" But if I did - - if I let those things defeat me - - then where would I be now? Would I even be here?
Accepting misery and defeat is not an acceptable option in my world. Absolutely NOT.
So when life has left me feeling entirely mistreated, I treat myself. And when I screw up and cause my life to go haywire, I realize that no one else is going to fix it for me - I have to make the difference. Come on! Even if I lost my house, crashed my car, got fired from my job, and turned ugly, I'd still have to find a way to be happy. Seriously - who wants to choose agony forever??
It's like I've said before -- it's all in how you look at things.
No house? Renting is actually much more convenient. Someone ELSE does your yard work, fixes your leaky pipes, and replaces the hot water heater when it conks out.
No car? I'll get into AWESOME shape having to walk everywhere! And just think of how much money I'll save on gas.
No job? Hmmm... time off to play for a while? Opportunity to start that new business venture I always dreamed of? Or maybe just the chance to find another job I'll actually end up liking even better.
No looks? I won't get hit on by total wackos anymore. :o)
And if I DO screw up myself? Shoot - there's no better way to gain admiration and respect than to own a mistake and fix it. (And seriously - - who have you known that was perfect? Don't those supposedly perfect people just drive you absolutely NUTS?!? I'd much rather know people who are endearingly imperfect but who are strong and confident enough to admit when they make a mistake!) Embarrassment is agonizing - starting over is terrifying - but screwing up has never completely ended my life. Stalled it a bit, yes - but there's a lot of learning to be done during those stalled moments.
Regardless - if I always spend my time resenting people or circumstances, then I'll just shrivel up into a miserable little ball of human waste. Who wants THAT?!?
So despite the fact that my mother can drive me crazy at times, I remind myself of all the wonderful help she gives me, without which I'd be lost. When my house is a wreck, I don't get angry that I have to deal with so many obligations that I just can't find time to clean - I gratefully acknowledge that my life is full, and I choose to engage in purposeful activities outside the home rather than living in a picture perfect sitcom cottage. (No one really lives that way, anyway - - at least no one normal.) And even though I used to want a safe, secure, comfortable, "normal" family life, I thank GOD for giving me such beautiful, amazing children and the freedom to live my life as I choose - without the typical compromises and concessions a married woman has to make.
I remember once being wrongfully accused of petulant actions that got me kicked out of a musical in which I was to essentially share a leading role. The accusation completely blindsided me, and the hardest part was not being able to do anything about it. "If you knew me," I told the director, "you'd know that all you have to do is tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I'd make it right." But she didn't know me - yet - and she didn't have time to mess with giving me a chance. So I was out. And it hurt. And I was seriously embarrassed.
But not long after that I sat at a theater company meeting in which it was announced that a House Manager was needed for this same show (the house manager being the person who works veerrrryyyy closely with the director to make sure everything is handled correctly in the "front of house"). And so I volunteered.
My peers were shocked. They knew that the director had booted me from her cast. They assumed I was wounded and (rightfully) angry - which I was. But I also knew two things: either 1) the director was wrong about me and I had to prove to her what kind of person I really was, or 2) she was right about me, and I had to become a better person. And so I became that director's right arm. And by the end of the show she absolutely loved me.
In any case, I think I would have made Steven Covey proud.
I look back at that experience and what I remember are the comments I received from cast and crew at the wrap party - - how impressed they were that I had been proactive and done such a beautiful job regardless of how the director had initially treated me. What a success I felt I was at the end of that show. And what a miserable lump I could have chosen to be instead.
Doing the right thing despite unfair treatment doesn't always work - at least not immediately. When the principal at the last high school at which I taught flung ludicrous accusation after ludicrous (and blatantly fictitious) accusation at me in a (successful) attempt to force me to quit, I could do nothing to change his mind. Of course he was a very small little man (tiny, actually, despite his towering height) with absolutely no backbone (or testicles, I would venture to guess) who was only doing his boss's bidding, regardless of the blatant injustice or the negative impact on his students. Still - by refusing to crumble under his cruelty, I guided my students to success on their AP exam at the end of that school year, chose to take a part-time teaching job that I like even better in many ways (and which allows me to be a MOM, finally!), and have begun pursuing other "dreams" I had put off or didn't realize yet existed. I could have fought him - blamed - hated - accused... but I would have lost. I had no tenure. He had the superintendent. I would've been further defeated, degraded, and depressed. Instead, I am HAPPY. I'm not where I thought I would be - career-wise - but it turns out I'm in a better place.
So I just don't get it. Why would anyone choose to see themself as a victim? Instead, why wouldn't they grab life by the horns, mount the beast, and hold on through that rough ride? Fall off - nurse the bruises and sew up the cuts - rest, refuel, & rejuvenate - and climb right back on....
But I suppose if someone would rather just lie there and get trampled, it's their prerogative to choose that, too. But UGH. I can't still figure out WHY THEY WOULD!!!!!
Monday, January 25, 2010
"Stupid"
I was incredibly relieved to hear a friend use this term in regard to the American people yesterday. As much as I hate to judge others, I'm afraid that is what many of us are. How tragically devastating are the events of this past week -- and no, I'm not talking about what is happening in Haiti. I'm talking about what is happening on Facebook. Discussion after discussion is taking place actually criticizing the efforts to help Haiti.
When I turned off the t.v. the other evening because the telethon was on every single channel, I was certainly not disgusted by the efforts, but rather overwhelmed that there is such widespread support for our fellow humans! I could not, however, watch with my ever-so-sensitive daughter whose heart breaks when she sees the sad scenes of what the Haitians are enduring. This is the same daughter who proudly deposited $20 in a collection basket following Dream Girls on Saturday - and who proudly proclaimed that her papa had given $50.
But on Facebook, I've actually seen posts that bash other countries for not helping US when we experienced tragedy. I've seen America actually being chastised for giving to this cause! One man had even commented - THREE TIMES - "F#@% Haiti." As if once was not enough to convey his disgust.
What is wrong with these people?!?
Honestly, I think they're the ones who refuse to give anything - ever - to any cause. They can spout the importance of providing for those in need right here in our own country, but I'm guessing they don't do it. So they're griping about the ridiculousness of our giving to a country that has been literally devastated - to what, make themselves look smart? To justify their own lack of willingness to reach out? To cover up their own selfishness?
My girlfriend was right. Americans are stupid. And - as one post told me I should be - I AM ASHAMED.
And very, very sad.
But all I can do is continue with my own efforts - individually, as a teacher, as a parent, and as a volunteer for multiple community organizations - to make a difference. And hope and pray that the stupid Americans will someday take their blinders off and open their eyes to the comforting, inspiring, exciting reality that we are ALL CONNECTED UNIVERSALLY.
Certainly those who are spouting crap will be the first ones to cry, "Help ME!" when they suddenly find themselves in a similar situation. Of course Americans will never BE in such a situation, for we HAVE plenty of aid right here - plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of equipment, and plenty of manpower to deal with any kind of devastation that might befall us. Why would we - the lucky ones - NOT want to help those less fortunate?
I'm just so grateful that so many of us DO. God bless my fellow Lions and Lionesses and Kiwanians and all the individuals out there who volunteer their time and donate their hard earned money to help those less fortunate. The world is blessed by your existence!
When I turned off the t.v. the other evening because the telethon was on every single channel, I was certainly not disgusted by the efforts, but rather overwhelmed that there is such widespread support for our fellow humans! I could not, however, watch with my ever-so-sensitive daughter whose heart breaks when she sees the sad scenes of what the Haitians are enduring. This is the same daughter who proudly deposited $20 in a collection basket following Dream Girls on Saturday - and who proudly proclaimed that her papa had given $50.
But on Facebook, I've actually seen posts that bash other countries for not helping US when we experienced tragedy. I've seen America actually being chastised for giving to this cause! One man had even commented - THREE TIMES - "F#@% Haiti." As if once was not enough to convey his disgust.
What is wrong with these people?!?
Honestly, I think they're the ones who refuse to give anything - ever - to any cause. They can spout the importance of providing for those in need right here in our own country, but I'm guessing they don't do it. So they're griping about the ridiculousness of our giving to a country that has been literally devastated - to what, make themselves look smart? To justify their own lack of willingness to reach out? To cover up their own selfishness?
My girlfriend was right. Americans are stupid. And - as one post told me I should be - I AM ASHAMED.
And very, very sad.
But all I can do is continue with my own efforts - individually, as a teacher, as a parent, and as a volunteer for multiple community organizations - to make a difference. And hope and pray that the stupid Americans will someday take their blinders off and open their eyes to the comforting, inspiring, exciting reality that we are ALL CONNECTED UNIVERSALLY.
Certainly those who are spouting crap will be the first ones to cry, "Help ME!" when they suddenly find themselves in a similar situation. Of course Americans will never BE in such a situation, for we HAVE plenty of aid right here - plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of equipment, and plenty of manpower to deal with any kind of devastation that might befall us. Why would we - the lucky ones - NOT want to help those less fortunate?
I'm just so grateful that so many of us DO. God bless my fellow Lions and Lionesses and Kiwanians and all the individuals out there who volunteer their time and donate their hard earned money to help those less fortunate. The world is blessed by your existence!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Mish Mosh
That's what's in my brain right now. That's what's in my brain frequently, in fact. I just choose to pretend that I have things figured out most of the time. But trust me - I don't. Sometimes I think I do, but then everything shifts, and my world gets all tilted, and my balance is thrown off, and I have to readjust everything -- my footing, my center of gravity, my posture, my handholds... Luckily it's not a daily occurrence, but it comes awfully damn close sometimes.
So here's the mish mosh in my brain today - just as it occurs:
EXERCISE!
But when?!?!?
Stop spending freaking money.
Damn it - I'm unorganized.
Tomorrow is insane - gotta make a list.
CRAP! I didn't print Miche stuff!!
Thank GOD I finally got the letters of rec done.
I miss Little Man.
What the heck was I supposed to remember to do for Lioness???
STOP THE PROCRASTINATION.
Where the heck is the Black Stacy??
Make a freaking schedule.
DUH.
Do I want to date?
Do I have time?!?
Is there even anyone out there I could be truly interested in??
If there is, will I ever even meet him???
I love being single!!!
I want to have time to just PLAY with my kids this week.
I wish my house was clean.
Would it seriously take that long to get stuff done if I just DID it?
Why do I have so much stuff in my closet that I never wear?!?
SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!!
I wish I remembered more math.
And science.
And history.
I was too hard on the student who says she was in the hospital but is probably lying to me.
I wish I could look good in a bikini again.
I'm glad I don't care that I don't look good in a bikini anymore.
MUST GRADE PAPERS.
I hate grading papers.
Why the heck do I hate grading?!?
Why can't I drag my ass out of bed right when I wake up in the morning?!?
How many hours of my life have I wasted just lying in bed, "thinking"??
The people in Haiti wish they had my problems.
I am grateful.
For friends.
For my home.
For my KIDS!
For my parents.
For good health.
For a world that puts up with me, and often even seems to like me.
For MIRACLES.
I honestly wish I weren't pretty. Then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I looked pretty.
Or whether I'm getting OLD.
Which I am.
But it's a good thing.
Except I wish I looked young and hot again.
But then again I DON'T wish that.
But I hate that I DO care.
Even though I don't.
And at some point I must accept - I mean really accept (not just say and possibly even believe that I accept) that my brain will always work this way - that I will always flip flop and bounce around and go totally out of whack and off balance.
But I can handle it. If I know myself well enough.
I can always remind myself that there is something good on the other side.
Because there always is.
Which brings me back to my most pressing need:
PATIENCE!!!!
So here's the mish mosh in my brain today - just as it occurs:
EXERCISE!
But when?!?!?
Stop spending freaking money.
Damn it - I'm unorganized.
Tomorrow is insane - gotta make a list.
CRAP! I didn't print Miche stuff!!
Thank GOD I finally got the letters of rec done.
I miss Little Man.
What the heck was I supposed to remember to do for Lioness???
STOP THE PROCRASTINATION.
Where the heck is the Black Stacy??
Make a freaking schedule.
DUH.
Do I want to date?
Do I have time?!?
Is there even anyone out there I could be truly interested in??
If there is, will I ever even meet him???
I love being single!!!
I want to have time to just PLAY with my kids this week.
I wish my house was clean.
Would it seriously take that long to get stuff done if I just DID it?
Why do I have so much stuff in my closet that I never wear?!?
SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!!
I wish I remembered more math.
And science.
And history.
I was too hard on the student who says she was in the hospital but is probably lying to me.
I wish I could look good in a bikini again.
I'm glad I don't care that I don't look good in a bikini anymore.
MUST GRADE PAPERS.
I hate grading papers.
Why the heck do I hate grading?!?
Why can't I drag my ass out of bed right when I wake up in the morning?!?
How many hours of my life have I wasted just lying in bed, "thinking"??
The people in Haiti wish they had my problems.
I am grateful.
For friends.
For my home.
For my KIDS!
For my parents.
For good health.
For a world that puts up with me, and often even seems to like me.
For MIRACLES.
I honestly wish I weren't pretty. Then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I looked pretty.
Or whether I'm getting OLD.
Which I am.
But it's a good thing.
Except I wish I looked young and hot again.
But then again I DON'T wish that.
But I hate that I DO care.
Even though I don't.
And at some point I must accept - I mean really accept (not just say and possibly even believe that I accept) that my brain will always work this way - that I will always flip flop and bounce around and go totally out of whack and off balance.
But I can handle it. If I know myself well enough.
I can always remind myself that there is something good on the other side.
Because there always is.
Which brings me back to my most pressing need:
PATIENCE!!!!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Busy is GOOD
which is why I refuse to feel guilty for not blogging daily.
The fabulous thing is that, despite being uber-busy and living in a disaster area, I'm not stressed. Obviously I'm enjoying my busy-ness! In fact, I've become so fabulously happy with my busy, busy undertakings that I've stopped battling altogether. AND I'VE WON THE WAR. Well - so far. I'm not completely convinced that my enemy-turned-ally won't suddenly take up arms against me again, but at the moment I just don't care. It's AMAZING how finding purpose and enjoyment in life has shifted my strategic positioning so fully.
So I won't apologize for failing to fulfill my daily writing commitment. The fact that I'm continuing to write at all is a major victory for me, first of all, but the fact that I've brought purposeful, beneficial activity into my and my kids' lives means that I've accomplished the most significant goal for my back forty: LIFE HAS BECOME TRULY FABULOUS.
Don't get me wrong - - the challenges are still there. And my quest for patience is somehow forgotten much of the time when I'm dealing with Mini Me (my pre-adolescent, hormonal, stubborn daughter). But overall things are definitely going well. VERY well. And I'm proud of myself for making these gains.
Now, if I can just balance my hectic schedule with blogging, then I'll have accomplished something really fabulous!
The fabulous thing is that, despite being uber-busy and living in a disaster area, I'm not stressed. Obviously I'm enjoying my busy-ness! In fact, I've become so fabulously happy with my busy, busy undertakings that I've stopped battling altogether. AND I'VE WON THE WAR. Well - so far. I'm not completely convinced that my enemy-turned-ally won't suddenly take up arms against me again, but at the moment I just don't care. It's AMAZING how finding purpose and enjoyment in life has shifted my strategic positioning so fully.
So I won't apologize for failing to fulfill my daily writing commitment. The fact that I'm continuing to write at all is a major victory for me, first of all, but the fact that I've brought purposeful, beneficial activity into my and my kids' lives means that I've accomplished the most significant goal for my back forty: LIFE HAS BECOME TRULY FABULOUS.
Don't get me wrong - - the challenges are still there. And my quest for patience is somehow forgotten much of the time when I'm dealing with Mini Me (my pre-adolescent, hormonal, stubborn daughter). But overall things are definitely going well. VERY well. And I'm proud of myself for making these gains.
Now, if I can just balance my hectic schedule with blogging, then I'll have accomplished something really fabulous!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Idealism
I've been accused of being an idealist - as if that's a bad thing. I'd like to believe I temper my idealism with realism, which at least qualifies me as logical and not a fantasy-ist. But what's wrong with dreaming about a better world - wanting life to be as good as it can get? As long we know the limitations - as long as we don't count on unreasonably fairytale-ish outcomes - then why shouldn't we be optimistic?!? In fact - what happens if we think the worst?
I know that even though I believe people are innately good, they are always going to make bad choices (some more than others). I know that there are MANY unpredictables in life. And I know that life is nowhere near easy.
But I also know that when you believe in someone, it makes a difference. That's why cheerleaders don't desert their teams in the midst of a losing streak. That's why kids born into poverty in the rankest slums in the darkest parts of the most hellish cities can rise above their surroundings and grow up to do great things. And that's why I find it impossible to completely turn my back on the people closest to me, no matter how taxing their choices can be on my psyche.
The thing is, I've SEEN changes occur. Sometimes they're just small - sometimes they don't stick - but they DO happen. We all have the capacity to learn and grow, and from my job to my parenting, I hope to foster just that. And sometimes I actually do. Sometimes not.
Yeah, it's hard to watch people continue to make poor choices. Sometimes I have to let go (according to the serenity prayer) of those things I cannot change. But I refuse to relinquish all my hope because the alternative - to me - is unfathomable.
What happens when you stop dreaming? How does life get better if you resign yourself to it being CRAP? If we all just sit back and say, "I can't change that," then nothing will EVER be changed.
So instead of giving up, I choose to strengthen myself for the fight. I'll surround myself with a fortress of friends and worthwhile undertakings, and I'll fight like hell - safe within the walls of my stronghold.
The trick is avoiding the Trojan horses I've tended to accept as gifts in the past. Sometimes they disguise themselves as harmless little kitty cats who suddenly grow deadly claws and lethal fangs. But you'd think an idealist-realist could finally learn how to safely cage such potential beasts. As long as I take preliminary precautions, I believe I can do just that.
And thus today I fight on!
I know that even though I believe people are innately good, they are always going to make bad choices (some more than others). I know that there are MANY unpredictables in life. And I know that life is nowhere near easy.
But I also know that when you believe in someone, it makes a difference. That's why cheerleaders don't desert their teams in the midst of a losing streak. That's why kids born into poverty in the rankest slums in the darkest parts of the most hellish cities can rise above their surroundings and grow up to do great things. And that's why I find it impossible to completely turn my back on the people closest to me, no matter how taxing their choices can be on my psyche.
The thing is, I've SEEN changes occur. Sometimes they're just small - sometimes they don't stick - but they DO happen. We all have the capacity to learn and grow, and from my job to my parenting, I hope to foster just that. And sometimes I actually do. Sometimes not.
Yeah, it's hard to watch people continue to make poor choices. Sometimes I have to let go (according to the serenity prayer) of those things I cannot change. But I refuse to relinquish all my hope because the alternative - to me - is unfathomable.
What happens when you stop dreaming? How does life get better if you resign yourself to it being CRAP? If we all just sit back and say, "I can't change that," then nothing will EVER be changed.
So instead of giving up, I choose to strengthen myself for the fight. I'll surround myself with a fortress of friends and worthwhile undertakings, and I'll fight like hell - safe within the walls of my stronghold.
The trick is avoiding the Trojan horses I've tended to accept as gifts in the past. Sometimes they disguise themselves as harmless little kitty cats who suddenly grow deadly claws and lethal fangs. But you'd think an idealist-realist could finally learn how to safely cage such potential beasts. As long as I take preliminary precautions, I believe I can do just that.
And thus today I fight on!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Power of Friendship
One of last semester's students wrote his argumentative essay on how it's virtually impossible to find good friends anymore. His evidence included the rarity of opportunities we as adults have to meet new people, and how we're in such a hurry in our lives that even when we do encounter a prospective new friend, we fail to take time to bond.
How DO you bond with another adult, anyway? Certainly you could find some common interests to discuss, but I balk at the prospect of approaching someone in the feminine products aisle and bonding over our common fondness for OB Super Plus tampons. Yes, I'm sure our shared desire to save waste by avoiding tampons with applicators could indicate a common love of the earth upon which we could build a lovely, green friendship, but regardless - - that type of initial contact would be more than a wee bit awkward. Perhaps finding common ground in the coffee aisle would be less disconcerting, but I must admit that if someone approached me and said, "Hey! I love Folger's half-caf, caramel mocha nilla-chino, too - let's go chat over a cup of java!" I'd back away quickly, frightened by her desperation.
So how do we do it?
Well, I started a new business. In a sense, it was like joining a club - and that was one of my motivations for doing so. My Scentsational friend and The Queen seemed to be having so much fun both working and discussing their new businesses that I felt left out. So I dove right in.
Now, not only have I bonded more deeply with my inspiring, driven, "old" friends, but I've made some fabulous connections with beautiful new ones as well. And I've got to admit that as much as I sometimes miss the intimate physical/emotional connection I could share with a lover, the bonding I've done recently with all of my girlfriends warms my heart and soul in a way that no man ever has, nor probably ever could.
Girlfriends - the right girlfriends - are excited simply to bond. They WANT TO TALK!! They love sharing their secrets and knowing they can trust you - and you know that as a result you can trust them. And they won't lie to you because they know you'll love them regardless of the ridiculous choices they make. They understand you and understand that YOU also understand them, so there's no manipulative game playing. They don't worry that if they say, "I love you!" you'll take it the wrong way or expect too much out of them, so they actually SAY IT. And they MEAN it. They're simply not afraid to open wide and let you right into their hearts where you're enveloped in warmth and comfort and pure, unadulterated joy.
I have been blessed to find the right girlfriends.
I never would have imagined that here in the back forty I'd have so many truly close friendships, nor that they would rival the intimacy of the friendship I've always shared with my Former Twin, but somehow I have found more wonderful friendships than I ever had as a child. I was so lucky back then to have a friend who was truly the other half of me, and I'm beyond thrilled that we've hung onto that beautiful bond for all these years. But now I'm even luckier to have entered a phase of life in which other women have also gained the wisdom of experience and are less afraid to share it than they were when we were younger - - so now I'm treasuring many friendships that beatiful - - and I could not be more grateful.
Here's to all the beautiful women in my life! From Facebook friends to church family to Lionesses to work relationships and all that way back around - you are all invaluable treasures, and I LOVE YOU!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
How DO you bond with another adult, anyway? Certainly you could find some common interests to discuss, but I balk at the prospect of approaching someone in the feminine products aisle and bonding over our common fondness for OB Super Plus tampons. Yes, I'm sure our shared desire to save waste by avoiding tampons with applicators could indicate a common love of the earth upon which we could build a lovely, green friendship, but regardless - - that type of initial contact would be more than a wee bit awkward. Perhaps finding common ground in the coffee aisle would be less disconcerting, but I must admit that if someone approached me and said, "Hey! I love Folger's half-caf, caramel mocha nilla-chino, too - let's go chat over a cup of java!" I'd back away quickly, frightened by her desperation.
So how do we do it?
Well, I started a new business. In a sense, it was like joining a club - and that was one of my motivations for doing so. My Scentsational friend and The Queen seemed to be having so much fun both working and discussing their new businesses that I felt left out. So I dove right in.
Now, not only have I bonded more deeply with my inspiring, driven, "old" friends, but I've made some fabulous connections with beautiful new ones as well. And I've got to admit that as much as I sometimes miss the intimate physical/emotional connection I could share with a lover, the bonding I've done recently with all of my girlfriends warms my heart and soul in a way that no man ever has, nor probably ever could.
Girlfriends - the right girlfriends - are excited simply to bond. They WANT TO TALK!! They love sharing their secrets and knowing they can trust you - and you know that as a result you can trust them. And they won't lie to you because they know you'll love them regardless of the ridiculous choices they make. They understand you and understand that YOU also understand them, so there's no manipulative game playing. They don't worry that if they say, "I love you!" you'll take it the wrong way or expect too much out of them, so they actually SAY IT. And they MEAN it. They're simply not afraid to open wide and let you right into their hearts where you're enveloped in warmth and comfort and pure, unadulterated joy.
I have been blessed to find the right girlfriends.
I never would have imagined that here in the back forty I'd have so many truly close friendships, nor that they would rival the intimacy of the friendship I've always shared with my Former Twin, but somehow I have found more wonderful friendships than I ever had as a child. I was so lucky back then to have a friend who was truly the other half of me, and I'm beyond thrilled that we've hung onto that beautiful bond for all these years. But now I'm even luckier to have entered a phase of life in which other women have also gained the wisdom of experience and are less afraid to share it than they were when we were younger - - so now I'm treasuring many friendships that beatiful - - and I could not be more grateful.
Here's to all the beautiful women in my life! From Facebook friends to church family to Lionesses to work relationships and all that way back around - you are all invaluable treasures, and I LOVE YOU!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Friday, January 15, 2010
Attitude is Everything
That's the title of a book my uncle sent me a decade ago, when I was first pregnant with my daughter and her father turned his back on me.
And he was right. Well - maybe it's not just about attitude - - I think it's about perception. Steven Covey discusses this in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (a book I believe should be required reading for anyone who is not a total hermit). When life seems horrible, Covey claims, we need to make a "paradigm" shift. Change the way we look at things. Adjust the lens.
I try like heck to do this, but sometimes my lenses refuse to cooperate. They get foggy a lot. Sometimes they change color. I swear half the time I can't even FIND them, so I can hardly see anything clearly at all. But having recently been dealing with someone who refuses to even WEAR his lenses, I suddenly understand just how important it is to make sure I keep track of mine - take care of them - and understand that regardless of what is going on out there in the world, I still have the power to turn the dial and shift my focus. It's like the color adjustment on the t.v. Sometimes people look green - - other times they rival Barney in hue. You have to be a total idiot to think that's truly the way someone looks! It doesn't take that much effort to adjust the color settings! Yeah - it's more complex now that everything's digital and you have to go searching through the menu and figure out which buttons to push to get it adjusted, but come on - - isn't that wee bit of trouble worth if it you can see things clearly in the end?
Mini Me was writing about the California Poppy the other day. Intriguing flower, that one. It is said to proliferate in areas recently burned out by fire. Funny, but I think most people's focus in the midst of a forest fire would be on the devastation it wreaks - not on the possibility that vibrant, beautiful flowers might just pop up out of the ashes. But when you're staring at a fire, wouldn't you RATHER think of something positive coming out of it than sink into grief over what it might be destroying? Fire burns more readily when what it's burning is dead and dried out. Sometimes we need to remember that all that dead stuff should be destroyed anyway. And then we can look forward to the flowers that might pop up in its place.
And he was right. Well - maybe it's not just about attitude - - I think it's about perception. Steven Covey discusses this in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (a book I believe should be required reading for anyone who is not a total hermit). When life seems horrible, Covey claims, we need to make a "paradigm" shift. Change the way we look at things. Adjust the lens.
I try like heck to do this, but sometimes my lenses refuse to cooperate. They get foggy a lot. Sometimes they change color. I swear half the time I can't even FIND them, so I can hardly see anything clearly at all. But having recently been dealing with someone who refuses to even WEAR his lenses, I suddenly understand just how important it is to make sure I keep track of mine - take care of them - and understand that regardless of what is going on out there in the world, I still have the power to turn the dial and shift my focus. It's like the color adjustment on the t.v. Sometimes people look green - - other times they rival Barney in hue. You have to be a total idiot to think that's truly the way someone looks! It doesn't take that much effort to adjust the color settings! Yeah - it's more complex now that everything's digital and you have to go searching through the menu and figure out which buttons to push to get it adjusted, but come on - - isn't that wee bit of trouble worth if it you can see things clearly in the end?
Mini Me was writing about the California Poppy the other day. Intriguing flower, that one. It is said to proliferate in areas recently burned out by fire. Funny, but I think most people's focus in the midst of a forest fire would be on the devastation it wreaks - not on the possibility that vibrant, beautiful flowers might just pop up out of the ashes. But when you're staring at a fire, wouldn't you RATHER think of something positive coming out of it than sink into grief over what it might be destroying? Fire burns more readily when what it's burning is dead and dried out. Sometimes we need to remember that all that dead stuff should be destroyed anyway. And then we can look forward to the flowers that might pop up in its place.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Grrrr!!!
I have one of those brains that won't let me relax. It's a standard ADD trait - the inability to truly relax and enjoy a moment without the anxious anticipation of moving on to something else. I could sit peacefully on a blanket, staring at a gorgeous sunset, for about half a minute before I was restless to get up and move on to something else. I'm not hyperactive - my brain just can't handle total peacefulness. UGH!!!
My biggest problem right now is that my brain also cannot let go of injustices. It whines and cries and yells and stomps its feet indignantly when there is injustice in my world - and it rebels against relinquishing hope. Hope is what fuels my brain, apparently. An idealistic belief in goodness - a stubborn refusal to give up - and a determined willingness to suffer whatever agonies are necessary to change the world according to my own utopian dream cause my brain to react violently to defeat. It refuses to accept it.
And thus I was haunted last night by constant urges to communicate with the one person for whom I MUST give up hope. How many weeks and months and years does it take to prove that someone will NOT change?!? Apparently my brain thinks that number is infinite - that when it wants to believe something, that something MUST be true.
Ironic. That's exactly what the problem is for the other person, too.
I sat in my fairly clean living room with my adorable children, watching one of my favorite shows, and I couldn't just enjoy the moment. Damn you, broken brain!! Sometimes I believe my own brain is actually my worst enemy. How do you fight THAT?!?
But I have become wiser here in the back forty, and now I can at least understand what the heck is going on with this overactive, highly complex organ which controls my entire existence - and the more I understand how it works, the more I can at least somewhat "control" it. For instance, I could shove aside those painful thoughts about what is not and never will be and instead force myself to look at what IS and love being in that moment. I could remind myself - every time I picked up the phone to text - that this whole situation is what it is because he's never going to get it!! So then I put the phone back down. And my obstinate gray matter actually believed me when I reiterated that I simply need TIME to get over this - that eventually it WILL get easier - that I've gone through all of this before and I KNOW from experience that I will survive and things will be so much better when I get through the healing.
So I didn't text. Or call. Or email. THANK GOD!!!!
And this morning I felt good about that. Yes, I also felt a bit sad, and I lingered in bed a bit longer even after the kids were up. I'm just so frustrated to have to keep going through these crappy emotions! Get on with the grief and get over it, already - it's been FOREVER!!!!!! So yes - I stewed for a bit longer than I should have today. But once again I told my brain those things it must be told over and over and over again, apparently: your kids need you to be a mom, and if you just get up and get going, you'll feel much better anyway!
So I did. And I proved myself RIGHT. :o)
My biggest problem right now is that my brain also cannot let go of injustices. It whines and cries and yells and stomps its feet indignantly when there is injustice in my world - and it rebels against relinquishing hope. Hope is what fuels my brain, apparently. An idealistic belief in goodness - a stubborn refusal to give up - and a determined willingness to suffer whatever agonies are necessary to change the world according to my own utopian dream cause my brain to react violently to defeat. It refuses to accept it.
And thus I was haunted last night by constant urges to communicate with the one person for whom I MUST give up hope. How many weeks and months and years does it take to prove that someone will NOT change?!? Apparently my brain thinks that number is infinite - that when it wants to believe something, that something MUST be true.
Ironic. That's exactly what the problem is for the other person, too.
I sat in my fairly clean living room with my adorable children, watching one of my favorite shows, and I couldn't just enjoy the moment. Damn you, broken brain!! Sometimes I believe my own brain is actually my worst enemy. How do you fight THAT?!?
But I have become wiser here in the back forty, and now I can at least understand what the heck is going on with this overactive, highly complex organ which controls my entire existence - and the more I understand how it works, the more I can at least somewhat "control" it. For instance, I could shove aside those painful thoughts about what is not and never will be and instead force myself to look at what IS and love being in that moment. I could remind myself - every time I picked up the phone to text - that this whole situation is what it is because he's never going to get it!! So then I put the phone back down. And my obstinate gray matter actually believed me when I reiterated that I simply need TIME to get over this - that eventually it WILL get easier - that I've gone through all of this before and I KNOW from experience that I will survive and things will be so much better when I get through the healing.
So I didn't text. Or call. Or email. THANK GOD!!!!
And this morning I felt good about that. Yes, I also felt a bit sad, and I lingered in bed a bit longer even after the kids were up. I'm just so frustrated to have to keep going through these crappy emotions! Get on with the grief and get over it, already - it's been FOREVER!!!!!! So yes - I stewed for a bit longer than I should have today. But once again I told my brain those things it must be told over and over and over again, apparently: your kids need you to be a mom, and if you just get up and get going, you'll feel much better anyway!
So I did. And I proved myself RIGHT. :o)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Log in My Own Eye
I'm such a hypocrite. I've been so busy pointing fingers this weekend, that I failed to take responsibility for my own actions.
I made a huge mistake many months ago, and I've been paying for it ever since - but blaming someone else. And I've also been benefiting from the choice - - though I'm letting my emotions go so haywire half the time that I forget to allow them to settle so that I can sort them all out and find the balance within the midst of the chaos. It IS there.
THIS is life: mistakes, triumphs, good, bad, up, down, and everything in between. Maybe I should've done things differently, but I wouldn't be who I am now if I had. The agony and defeat are all part of the grueling training necessary to achieve the WIN.
I'm torn... I think grief does that to you.
I feel so sad and angry and betrayed and dismayed and distraught and yet hopeful... I want to hold onto the positives and relinquish the negatives - quit blaming and start accepting - grieve and HEAL. But somehow I always feel this desperate need to have it all sorted out sooooo neatly in order to put it away just so -- and this is not one of those situations that lends itself to sorting, for this has been a disastrously messy situation right from the start. Do I blame someone else for treating me so badly when I had every responsibility to stop being in the relationship - to quit allowing myself to be treated like that?!? How do I give up hope of a situation ever improving (even knowing that I've done everything possible to improve it on my end, and you can't possibly move a mountain - especially not all by yourself, and particularly when the mountain does NOT want to be moved) when I feel that means giving up hope in humanity? I know - not all of humanity - just this ONE human -- but a human to whom I'm permanently connected in some ways... How do you cut off your arm - riddled with flesh eating bacteria and threatening your life - without feeling the achingly empty absence of that arm forever??
I don't know. I just know that I've been unfair. I've been badgering and yelling and demanding and pleading for someone else to change when I have as much responsibility for getting myself into this mess as that other human does. So perhaps it's just time to forgive us both - and then to surrender the fight and lay down my arms, permanently.
It's not the bacteria's fault, after all. It was simply doing what flesh eating bacteria are meant to do.
The thing is, I'm sad. I don't believe in war. But when you believe in something else so strongly, sometimes you have to fight for it, and fight hard, and fight long. Right now I feel like I've been fighting forever, though I've gotten nowhere. When I start these battles, I always believe wholeheartedly that I will win. Who goes into a war she knows she's going to lose? I'm stubborn, and I fight like hell, so I should win! But I can't. Not this time. Still - it's so incredibly hard to finally just give up.
But maybe it's for the best.
I just spent some time looking even further back - and I realize that those battles I've fought and lost in the past have actually helped me to win the war. I no longer even want what I used to fight so hard for!
It's especially exhaustingly, emotionally painful to surrender this particular battle, but I will - because I've finally realized that I may have actually already won the war. Even if I haven't, realizing that I have to remove the log from own eye will at least help me see a heck of a lot more clearly in my pursuit of that win. And this time I WILL get it.
I made a huge mistake many months ago, and I've been paying for it ever since - but blaming someone else. And I've also been benefiting from the choice - - though I'm letting my emotions go so haywire half the time that I forget to allow them to settle so that I can sort them all out and find the balance within the midst of the chaos. It IS there.
THIS is life: mistakes, triumphs, good, bad, up, down, and everything in between. Maybe I should've done things differently, but I wouldn't be who I am now if I had. The agony and defeat are all part of the grueling training necessary to achieve the WIN.
I'm torn... I think grief does that to you.
I feel so sad and angry and betrayed and dismayed and distraught and yet hopeful... I want to hold onto the positives and relinquish the negatives - quit blaming and start accepting - grieve and HEAL. But somehow I always feel this desperate need to have it all sorted out sooooo neatly in order to put it away just so -- and this is not one of those situations that lends itself to sorting, for this has been a disastrously messy situation right from the start. Do I blame someone else for treating me so badly when I had every responsibility to stop being in the relationship - to quit allowing myself to be treated like that?!? How do I give up hope of a situation ever improving (even knowing that I've done everything possible to improve it on my end, and you can't possibly move a mountain - especially not all by yourself, and particularly when the mountain does NOT want to be moved) when I feel that means giving up hope in humanity? I know - not all of humanity - just this ONE human -- but a human to whom I'm permanently connected in some ways... How do you cut off your arm - riddled with flesh eating bacteria and threatening your life - without feeling the achingly empty absence of that arm forever??
I don't know. I just know that I've been unfair. I've been badgering and yelling and demanding and pleading for someone else to change when I have as much responsibility for getting myself into this mess as that other human does. So perhaps it's just time to forgive us both - and then to surrender the fight and lay down my arms, permanently.
It's not the bacteria's fault, after all. It was simply doing what flesh eating bacteria are meant to do.
The thing is, I'm sad. I don't believe in war. But when you believe in something else so strongly, sometimes you have to fight for it, and fight hard, and fight long. Right now I feel like I've been fighting forever, though I've gotten nowhere. When I start these battles, I always believe wholeheartedly that I will win. Who goes into a war she knows she's going to lose? I'm stubborn, and I fight like hell, so I should win! But I can't. Not this time. Still - it's so incredibly hard to finally just give up.
But maybe it's for the best.
I just spent some time looking even further back - and I realize that those battles I've fought and lost in the past have actually helped me to win the war. I no longer even want what I used to fight so hard for!
It's especially exhaustingly, emotionally painful to surrender this particular battle, but I will - because I've finally realized that I may have actually already won the war. Even if I haven't, realizing that I have to remove the log from own eye will at least help me see a heck of a lot more clearly in my pursuit of that win. And this time I WILL get it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Pajamas
That's what I'm wearing. That's what I've been wearing all day in fact. AND a bathrobe. I even answered the door like this -- TWICE!
Nope - I wasn't depressed, nor was I lazy - - I just didn't see a need to shower and get dressed when I was working on Miche stuff all day long, and neither Little Man nor my father (who stopped by to snowblow for me, bless his overworked heart!!) cared what I looked like. And the crazy thing is, it felt GOOD. It felt purposeful. Yeah - that makes seemingly very little sense, but it's true nonetheless. I was surrounded by purpose all day long! And despite having been in my PJs for 24 hours straight now, I got a reassuring amount of work accomplished today. So much work that I didn't have an extra 20 minutes to stop and shower and get dressed!
Well - and I did some internet socializing, too, but that's valuable. Maintaining connections with friends is extremely valuable. And purposeful!
I laughed a lot today, too. Especially when Little Man was dancing to some teeny bopper music on the Disney Channel and his sissy joined him. And when Mini Me's former first grade teacher was messaging me about naughty teenage reminiscences on Facebook. (I was the naughty one - not she. Well - perhaps she was naughty, but we haven't discussed her escapades yet - - and we only hinted at mine.) And when a guy friend caught on to the color posts women were putting as their FBook statuses in recognition of breast cancer awareness today and so he added, "Blue plaid!" as his. And when I dug excitedly through the box of "purse stuffer" giveaways that arrived a day before promised - and even when I unpacked the crisp, brown shopping bags that also came today. I even laughed when Little Man was stepping all over the chrome shelves I was putting together as he beat time with two of the chrome tubes. But I'd say I was more indulging in smirky little giggles as I arranged my show stock on my new display shelves (a bathroom towel rack and matching shelf tower, actually, but a highly creative solution, if I do say so myself!) and realized just how incredibly ingenious I am. ;o)
Plus I got show materials designed and printed - all 2009 receipts and invoices collected and filed - and I even designed my own Excel spreadsheet to balance income and expenses! WOO HOO!!!
AND THEN I COOKED DINNER. (That is all in caps - and bolded - of course, because it is nothing short of a miracle and thus requires appropriate emphasis and recognition.)
The house is still a mess - - but the kitchen is fairly clean. (Another miracle!) Most of the laundry is done and put away (except for the multiple piles which are still stacked (but folded) on the table in the laundry room. But if I don't mind having to trek down to the basement to get dressed, that doesn't matter, right?) And since I got my course syllabi done yesterday, I still have several days to catch up on projects before my schedule becomes completely chaotic again. So it's all good!!
Yes - remaining in my PJs all day was a good choice. Especially because it now saves me the agony of having to undress in my extremely chilly bedroom (or the lazyness of simply going to bed in whatever I would have been wearing instead). I highly recommend a pajama day to anyone who can manage to avoid running errands, offending a spouse, or frightening their own UPS (and FedEx) guys. You can always claim that you're reliving "spirit week" from your long lost high school days!
Or, you could just say, "What the f#@%."
:o)
Nope - I wasn't depressed, nor was I lazy - - I just didn't see a need to shower and get dressed when I was working on Miche stuff all day long, and neither Little Man nor my father (who stopped by to snowblow for me, bless his overworked heart!!) cared what I looked like. And the crazy thing is, it felt GOOD. It felt purposeful. Yeah - that makes seemingly very little sense, but it's true nonetheless. I was surrounded by purpose all day long! And despite having been in my PJs for 24 hours straight now, I got a reassuring amount of work accomplished today. So much work that I didn't have an extra 20 minutes to stop and shower and get dressed!
Well - and I did some internet socializing, too, but that's valuable. Maintaining connections with friends is extremely valuable. And purposeful!
I laughed a lot today, too. Especially when Little Man was dancing to some teeny bopper music on the Disney Channel and his sissy joined him. And when Mini Me's former first grade teacher was messaging me about naughty teenage reminiscences on Facebook. (I was the naughty one - not she. Well - perhaps she was naughty, but we haven't discussed her escapades yet - - and we only hinted at mine.) And when a guy friend caught on to the color posts women were putting as their FBook statuses in recognition of breast cancer awareness today and so he added, "Blue plaid!" as his. And when I dug excitedly through the box of "purse stuffer" giveaways that arrived a day before promised - and even when I unpacked the crisp, brown shopping bags that also came today. I even laughed when Little Man was stepping all over the chrome shelves I was putting together as he beat time with two of the chrome tubes. But I'd say I was more indulging in smirky little giggles as I arranged my show stock on my new display shelves (a bathroom towel rack and matching shelf tower, actually, but a highly creative solution, if I do say so myself!) and realized just how incredibly ingenious I am. ;o)
Plus I got show materials designed and printed - all 2009 receipts and invoices collected and filed - and I even designed my own Excel spreadsheet to balance income and expenses! WOO HOO!!!
AND THEN I COOKED DINNER. (That is all in caps - and bolded - of course, because it is nothing short of a miracle and thus requires appropriate emphasis and recognition.)
The house is still a mess - - but the kitchen is fairly clean. (Another miracle!) Most of the laundry is done and put away (except for the multiple piles which are still stacked (but folded) on the table in the laundry room. But if I don't mind having to trek down to the basement to get dressed, that doesn't matter, right?) And since I got my course syllabi done yesterday, I still have several days to catch up on projects before my schedule becomes completely chaotic again. So it's all good!!
Yes - remaining in my PJs all day was a good choice. Especially because it now saves me the agony of having to undress in my extremely chilly bedroom (or the lazyness of simply going to bed in whatever I would have been wearing instead). I highly recommend a pajama day to anyone who can manage to avoid running errands, offending a spouse, or frightening their own UPS (and FedEx) guys. You can always claim that you're reliving "spirit week" from your long lost high school days!
Or, you could just say, "What the f#@%."
:o)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
My SMMC
I'm finding myself becoming more and more forthright in the back forty. Is it the wisdom I've gained? The confidence? Or could it simply be the fact that at this point in my life, I'm tired of trying to impress people? Regardless - when I'm with my S-M-M-C, I just let it all spill out. (Today it literally spilled out to the point where I wasn't sure how much of my mascara was left on my lashes and how much was streaked garishly across my face. Of course I trusted the SMMC to tell me if I looked frighteningly clownish before we left the back room of the bookstore where we were having coffee.)
But thank goodness I do that with him because he is the most empathetic, validating, spirit-picker-upper I've ever known. (No offense girlfriends, but he's even better than any woman I've ever known.) He even validated my use of profanity in yesterday's post. It was necessary, he said, to convey the essence of the situation.
So it turns out I'm NOT insane - I'm NOT at fault - and I'm NOT wrong! Now perhaps the SMMC believes all this because his perception is as skewed as mine, but I frankly don't care. All I know is that I felt good all day today thanks to his feedback.
EVERYONE needs a friend like that!
But thank goodness I do that with him because he is the most empathetic, validating, spirit-picker-upper I've ever known. (No offense girlfriends, but he's even better than any woman I've ever known.) He even validated my use of profanity in yesterday's post. It was necessary, he said, to convey the essence of the situation.
So it turns out I'm NOT insane - I'm NOT at fault - and I'm NOT wrong! Now perhaps the SMMC believes all this because his perception is as skewed as mine, but I frankly don't care. All I know is that I felt good all day today thanks to his feedback.
EVERYONE needs a friend like that!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Sometimes you've just gotta say...
"What the f#@%."
When people start actually flinging their shit at you, THAT is one of those times. And when you use your giant shit shield to reflect it, and it hits them square in the face on the rebound, so they accuse YOU of being the shit flinger? Well, then you just LAUGH.
I know it's hard to find life humorous when there's shit flying everywhere, but you've got to consider the alternative. I choose not to simply lie down and drown in shit.
So I'm off to the showers - - AGAIN.
Oh, and by the way - I could play linguistic games and come up with an entertaining variety of euphemisms for SHIT so as not to offend anyone with my raw, blatantly coarse language, but this is not an appropriately euphemistic situation. Connotatively, nothing else is appropriate here. It is simply shit - filthy, disgusting, reeking SHIT.
Perhaps I'm lowering myself to the shit flinger's level just a wee bit by reducing myself to writing so offensively, but again - consider the alternative. I could go "ape shit" on the #%*&@% #@%&*$ instead. But I think taking out my frustration on my innocent blog readers is less caustic. Besides - I know you readers can all relate, and whether you're willing to curse publically or not, you've all cursed a few shit flingers in your time - - in your minds at least.
And that's why right now I'm shifting to saying - in the spirit of Joel Goodson - "WHAT THE F#@%!"
Yeah - I could be the bigger person and just ignore it. Or I could be a truly saintly person and forgive and forget. But COME ON!! When you've repeatedly had shit flung directly in your face - and your hair - and all over your clothes - and it's stinging your eyes and burning your tongue, you deserve to react less than sweetly. It is, after all, quite unhealthy to keep your anger and frustration all bottled up inside. You've got to let it out.
And then you've got to just LET IT GO.
Thus, I thank you, Joel. You've taught me quite a valuable lesson in how to deal with the shitty aspects of life.
When people start actually flinging their shit at you, THAT is one of those times. And when you use your giant shit shield to reflect it, and it hits them square in the face on the rebound, so they accuse YOU of being the shit flinger? Well, then you just LAUGH.
I know it's hard to find life humorous when there's shit flying everywhere, but you've got to consider the alternative. I choose not to simply lie down and drown in shit.
So I'm off to the showers - - AGAIN.
Oh, and by the way - I could play linguistic games and come up with an entertaining variety of euphemisms for SHIT so as not to offend anyone with my raw, blatantly coarse language, but this is not an appropriately euphemistic situation. Connotatively, nothing else is appropriate here. It is simply shit - filthy, disgusting, reeking SHIT.
Perhaps I'm lowering myself to the shit flinger's level just a wee bit by reducing myself to writing so offensively, but again - consider the alternative. I could go "ape shit" on the #%*&@% #@%&*$ instead. But I think taking out my frustration on my innocent blog readers is less caustic. Besides - I know you readers can all relate, and whether you're willing to curse publically or not, you've all cursed a few shit flingers in your time - - in your minds at least.
And that's why right now I'm shifting to saying - in the spirit of Joel Goodson - "WHAT THE F#@%!"
Yeah - I could be the bigger person and just ignore it. Or I could be a truly saintly person and forgive and forget. But COME ON!! When you've repeatedly had shit flung directly in your face - and your hair - and all over your clothes - and it's stinging your eyes and burning your tongue, you deserve to react less than sweetly. It is, after all, quite unhealthy to keep your anger and frustration all bottled up inside. You've got to let it out.
And then you've got to just LET IT GO.
Thus, I thank you, Joel. You've taught me quite a valuable lesson in how to deal with the shitty aspects of life.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Therapy
My day started out poorly.
My fault - I admit. I made a 6 a.m. phone call I definitely should NOT have made - and my emotional angst in regard to this less-than-satisfying conversation was excessively exaggerated by the onset of my freaking period - a fact I was actually glad to realize because it reassured me that I was NOT sinking back into a depression when I chose to lie in bed for another four hours instead of getting up, working out, doing laundry, and going to church - I was merely hormonally challenged.
So, yeah - I indulged in minor self pity. But I got hooked on an all-day The Secret Life of the American Teenager marathon, which is actually a great thing because deep down I'm still that same girl who used to put on Air Supply and sob her eyes out every time she was sad over some silly boy who had "broken her heart" (meaning he probably just didn't know I existed - or maybe he simply liked someone else). So drowning in the emotional agony of this poor teenage girl and her angst-ridden peers was incredibly therapeutic. My teenage students frequently write about how they love music for its ability to enhance a mood. I personally like to dramatically over inflate my anguish. I think it burns out more quickly when you douse it with accelerant.
So after my four hour pout, I got up, did my hair and makeup, and went to meet a friend for lunch. I over indulged there, too, since we went for Mexican and I inhaled chips and salsa AND a three item combo AND extra refried beans. But I didn't have a margarita, and THAT is a major accomplishment. ;o)
So the fire was out, and by the time I got home, most of the ashes had disappeared in the wind.
And the marathon is STILL on, so I have extra emotional reinforcement. Better go before I miss the end of it. An all new episode airs tomorrow, and I am HOOKED!
My fault - I admit. I made a 6 a.m. phone call I definitely should NOT have made - and my emotional angst in regard to this less-than-satisfying conversation was excessively exaggerated by the onset of my freaking period - a fact I was actually glad to realize because it reassured me that I was NOT sinking back into a depression when I chose to lie in bed for another four hours instead of getting up, working out, doing laundry, and going to church - I was merely hormonally challenged.
So, yeah - I indulged in minor self pity. But I got hooked on an all-day The Secret Life of the American Teenager marathon, which is actually a great thing because deep down I'm still that same girl who used to put on Air Supply and sob her eyes out every time she was sad over some silly boy who had "broken her heart" (meaning he probably just didn't know I existed - or maybe he simply liked someone else). So drowning in the emotional agony of this poor teenage girl and her angst-ridden peers was incredibly therapeutic. My teenage students frequently write about how they love music for its ability to enhance a mood. I personally like to dramatically over inflate my anguish. I think it burns out more quickly when you douse it with accelerant.
So after my four hour pout, I got up, did my hair and makeup, and went to meet a friend for lunch. I over indulged there, too, since we went for Mexican and I inhaled chips and salsa AND a three item combo AND extra refried beans. But I didn't have a margarita, and THAT is a major accomplishment. ;o)
So the fire was out, and by the time I got home, most of the ashes had disappeared in the wind.
And the marathon is STILL on, so I have extra emotional reinforcement. Better go before I miss the end of it. An all new episode airs tomorrow, and I am HOOKED!
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