Victims

This term is supposed to refer to such people as the innocent, helpless Haitians who did nothing to bring such tragedy upon themselves.  Wives whose husbands manipulate them psychologically while they beat them physically are victims.  Even teenagers who wind up pregnant thanks to their horrifically low self esteem and nonexistent sense of identity are victims.  And these people deserve our sympathy, our prayers, and our aid.

But what makes me crazy is that so many adults willingly adopt a victim mentality.

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Why, people?  Why would you CHOOSE to be victims?

First off, when you decide you're not at fault - that the universe is conspiring against you, or someone you love is really out to get you, or your circumstances simply stand in the way - you give up all power to change your life!  You can't be happy - you can't be successful - you can't even be sane if you constantly believe you are not in control.

Ok - yeah - there are things over which we have no control.  A huge, freaking dump truck load of things, in fact.  And yes, they can tend to weigh on us just a wee bit.  I should know -- I've endured many of them:  mental and physical abuse, debt, failure, rejection, termination, betrayal, illness, vindictiveness, manipulation, deceit... I've hurt so badly at times that each and every cell in my body has screamed and sobbed and begged for the earth to simply swallow me up.  So I know how easy it is to want to give up and merely cry accusingly, "WHY, GOD?  WHY?!?!"  But if I did - - if I let those things defeat me - - then where would I be now?  Would I even be here?

Accepting misery and defeat is not an acceptable option in my world.  Absolutely NOT.

So when life has left me feeling entirely mistreated, I treat myself.  And when I screw up and cause my life to go haywire, I realize that no one else is going to fix it for me - I have to make the difference.  Come on!  Even if I lost my house, crashed my car, got fired from my job, and turned ugly, I'd still have to find a way to be happy.  Seriously - who wants to choose agony forever??

It's like I've said before -- it's all in how you look at things.

No house?  Renting is actually much more convenient.  Someone ELSE does your yard work, fixes your leaky pipes, and replaces the hot water heater when it conks out. 

No car?  I'll get into AWESOME shape having to walk everywhere!  And just think of how much money I'll save on gas.

No job?  Hmmm... time off to play for a while?  Opportunity to start that new business venture I always dreamed of?  Or maybe just the chance to find another job I'll actually end up liking even better.

No looks?  I won't get hit on by total wackos anymore. :o)

And if I DO screw up myself?  Shoot - there's no better way to gain admiration and respect than to own a mistake and fix it.  (And seriously - - who have you known that was perfect?  Don't those supposedly perfect people just drive you absolutely NUTS?!?  I'd much rather know people who are endearingly imperfect but who are strong and confident enough to admit when they make a mistake!)  Embarrassment is agonizing - starting over is terrifying - but screwing up has never completely ended my life.  Stalled it a bit, yes - but there's a lot of learning to be done during those stalled moments. 

Regardless - if I always spend my time resenting people or circumstances, then I'll just shrivel up into a miserable little ball of human waste.  Who wants THAT?!?

So despite the fact that my mother can drive me crazy at times, I remind myself of all the wonderful help she gives me, without which I'd be lost.  When my house is a wreck, I don't get angry that I have to deal with so many obligations that I just can't find time to clean - I gratefully acknowledge that my life is full, and I choose to engage in purposeful activities outside the home rather than living in a picture perfect sitcom cottage.  (No one really lives that way, anyway - - at least no one normal.)  And even though I used to want a safe, secure, comfortable, "normal" family life, I thank GOD for giving me such beautiful, amazing children and the freedom to live my life as I choose - without the typical compromises and concessions a married woman has to make.  

I remember once being wrongfully accused of petulant actions that got me kicked out of a musical in which I was to essentially share a leading role.  The accusation completely blindsided me, and the hardest part was not being able to do anything about it.  "If you knew me," I told the director, "you'd know that all you have to do is tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I'd make it right."  But she didn't know me - yet - and she didn't have time to mess with giving me a chance.  So I was out.  And it hurt.  And I was seriously embarrassed.

But not long after that I sat at a theater company meeting in which it was announced that a House Manager was needed for this same show (the house manager being the person who works veerrrryyyy closely with the director to make sure everything is handled correctly in the "front of house").  And so I volunteered.

My peers were shocked.  They knew that the director had booted me from her cast.  They assumed I was wounded and (rightfully) angry - which I was.  But I also knew two things:  either 1) the director was wrong about me and I had to prove to her what kind of person I really was, or 2) she was right about me, and I had to become a better person.  And so I became that director's right arm.  And by the end of the show she absolutely loved me.

In any case, I think I would have made Steven Covey proud.

I look back at that experience and what I remember are the comments I received from cast and crew at the wrap party - - how impressed they were that I had been proactive and done such a beautiful job regardless of how the director had initially treated me.  What a success I felt I was at the end of that show.  And what a miserable lump I could have chosen to be instead.

Doing the right thing despite unfair treatment doesn't always work - at least not immediately.  When the principal at the last high school at which I taught flung ludicrous accusation after ludicrous (and blatantly fictitious) accusation at me in a (successful) attempt to force me to quit, I could do nothing to change his mind.  Of course he was a very small little man (tiny, actually, despite his towering height) with absolutely no backbone (or testicles, I would venture to guess) who was only doing his boss's bidding, regardless of the blatant injustice or the negative impact on his students.  Still - by refusing to crumble under his cruelty, I guided my students to success on their AP exam at the end of that school year, chose to take a part-time teaching job that I like even better in many ways (and which allows me to be a MOM, finally!), and have begun pursuing other "dreams" I had put off or didn't realize yet existed.  I could have fought him - blamed - hated - accused... but I would have lost.  I had no tenure.  He had the superintendent.  I would've been further defeated, degraded, and depressed.  Instead, I am HAPPY.  I'm not where I thought I would be - career-wise - but it turns out I'm in a better place.

So I just don't get it.  Why would anyone choose to see themself as a victim?  Instead, why wouldn't they grab life by the horns, mount the beast, and hold on through that rough ride?  Fall off - nurse the bruises and sew up the cuts - rest, refuel, & rejuvenate - and climb right back on....

But I suppose if someone would rather just lie there and get trampled, it's their prerogative to choose that, too.  But UGH.  I can't still figure out WHY THEY WOULD!!!!!