Grrrr!!!

I have one of those brains that won't let me relax.  It's a standard ADD trait - the inability to truly relax and enjoy a moment without the anxious anticipation of moving on to something else.  I could sit peacefully on a blanket, staring at a gorgeous sunset, for about half a minute before I was restless to get up and move on to something else.  I'm not hyperactive - my brain just can't handle total peacefulness.  UGH!!!

My biggest problem right now is that my brain also cannot let go of injustices.  It whines and cries and yells and stomps its feet indignantly when there is injustice in my world - and it rebels against relinquishing hope.  Hope is what fuels my brain, apparently.  An idealistic belief in goodness - a stubborn refusal to give up - and a determined willingness to suffer whatever agonies are necessary to change the world according to my own utopian dream cause my brain to react violently to defeat.  It refuses to accept it. 

And thus I was haunted last night by constant urges to communicate with the one person for whom I MUST give up hope.  How many weeks and months and years does it take to prove that someone will NOT change?!?  Apparently my brain thinks that number is infinite - that when it wants to believe something, that something MUST be true.

Ironic.  That's exactly what the problem is for the other person, too.

I sat in my fairly clean living room with my adorable children, watching one of my favorite shows, and I couldn't just enjoy the moment.  Damn you, broken brain!!  Sometimes I believe my own brain is actually my worst enemy.  How do you fight THAT?!?

But I have become wiser here in the back forty, and now I can at least understand what the heck is going on with this overactive, highly complex organ which controls my entire existence - and the more I understand how it works, the more I can at least somewhat "control" it.  For instance, I could shove aside those painful thoughts about what is not and never will be and instead force myself to look at what IS and love being in that moment.  I could remind myself - every time I picked up the phone to text - that this whole situation is what it is because he's never going to get it!!  So then I put the phone back down.  And my obstinate gray matter actually believed me when I reiterated that I simply need TIME to get over this - that eventually it WILL get easier - that I've gone through all of this before and I KNOW from experience that I will survive and things will be so much better when I get through the healing.

So I didn't text.  Or call.  Or email.  THANK GOD!!!!

And this morning I felt good about that.  Yes, I also felt a bit sad, and I lingered in bed a bit longer even after the kids were up.  I'm just so frustrated to have to keep going through these crappy emotions!  Get on with the grief and get over it, already - it's been FOREVER!!!!!!  So yes - I stewed for a bit longer than I should have today.  But once again I told my brain those things it must be told over and over and over again, apparently:  your kids need you to be a mom, and if you just get up and get going, you'll feel much better anyway! 

So I did.  And I proved myself RIGHT.  :o)