I'm such a hypocrite. I've been so busy pointing fingers this weekend, that I failed to take responsibility for my own actions.
I made a huge mistake many months ago, and I've been paying for it ever since - but blaming someone else. And I've also been benefiting from the choice - - though I'm letting my emotions go so haywire half the time that I forget to allow them to settle so that I can sort them all out and find the balance within the midst of the chaos. It IS there.
THIS is life: mistakes, triumphs, good, bad, up, down, and everything in between. Maybe I should've done things differently, but I wouldn't be who I am now if I had. The agony and defeat are all part of the grueling training necessary to achieve the WIN.
I'm torn... I think grief does that to you.
I feel so sad and angry and betrayed and dismayed and distraught and yet hopeful... I want to hold onto the positives and relinquish the negatives - quit blaming and start accepting - grieve and HEAL. But somehow I always feel this desperate need to have it all sorted out sooooo neatly in order to put it away just so -- and this is not one of those situations that lends itself to sorting, for this has been a disastrously messy situation right from the start. Do I blame someone else for treating me so badly when I had every responsibility to stop being in the relationship - to quit allowing myself to be treated like that?!? How do I give up hope of a situation ever improving (even knowing that I've done everything possible to improve it on my end, and you can't possibly move a mountain - especially not all by yourself, and particularly when the mountain does NOT want to be moved) when I feel that means giving up hope in humanity? I know - not all of humanity - just this ONE human -- but a human to whom I'm permanently connected in some ways... How do you cut off your arm - riddled with flesh eating bacteria and threatening your life - without feeling the achingly empty absence of that arm forever??
I don't know. I just know that I've been unfair. I've been badgering and yelling and demanding and pleading for someone else to change when I have as much responsibility for getting myself into this mess as that other human does. So perhaps it's just time to forgive us both - and then to surrender the fight and lay down my arms, permanently.
It's not the bacteria's fault, after all. It was simply doing what flesh eating bacteria are meant to do.
The thing is, I'm sad. I don't believe in war. But when you believe in something else so strongly, sometimes you have to fight for it, and fight hard, and fight long. Right now I feel like I've been fighting forever, though I've gotten nowhere. When I start these battles, I always believe wholeheartedly that I will win. Who goes into a war she knows she's going to lose? I'm stubborn, and I fight like hell, so I should win! But I can't. Not this time. Still - it's so incredibly hard to finally just give up.
But maybe it's for the best.
I just spent some time looking even further back - and I realize that those battles I've fought and lost in the past have actually helped me to win the war. I no longer even want what I used to fight so hard for!
It's especially exhaustingly, emotionally painful to surrender this particular battle, but I will - because I've finally realized that I may have actually already won the war. Even if I haven't, realizing that I have to remove the log from own eye will at least help me see a heck of a lot more clearly in my pursuit of that win. And this time I WILL get it.
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