Flakes

I'm starting to think this is the worst trait a friend can have - being flaky.  Admittedly defensiveness, crassness, bigotry, superficiality & materialism, meanness, and many other horrific traits make me cringe in physical pain, but I would not be friends with someone who possessed one of those traits.  However, seemingly sweet, good people with whom I have thought I have had good friendships have frequently displayed unacceptable levels of flakiness -- and I'm not talking about those little white specks that decorate the shoulders of the flaker's black shirt-wear.  I'm talking about the giant, heavy, wet globules that dampen (and even smother) the spirits of those burdened by them.

I know - I swore I wouldn't vent in my blog - so I further swear that's not what I'm doing.  Well - not a LOT, anyway.  But come on!  How on earth do you ever plan your life when you don't know if you can count on someone doing what (s)he said (s)he'd do?  Why even SAY you'll do it if you won't?  And what about the unspoken rules of friendship - to be there for your friends? 

Ok - sorry.  Momentary slip.

The question is not, "Why are people so selfishly, rudely, inconsiderately flaky?!?!?"  (Whoops - minor slip again.  :oP)  The question is, "How do we DEAL with that kind of absolute CRAP?!?"  (Oh, sorry - I mean - just in general - how do we deal with it?)  But this IS how we should approach such a dilemma, is it not?  So this must be a blog about moving on past the flakiness without letting it affect our feelings - or our friendships.

Ok - perhaps I'm particularly sensitive to flakiness because I've spent so many years trying to apply the rules of customer service to LIFE in general.  I mean, it just makes SENSE to do that.  If you want to maintain a business, you must not only validate the concern and take care of it when a customer comes in angry, but you must do everything you can up front to avoid customer unhappiness in the first place.  Isn't that how personal relationships are supposed to work as well??  I had a girlfriend in college who always said, "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission."  (She meant this in regard to spending her fiance's money.)  But seriously - - IS it?  I mean, once you've gone behind someone's back and done something you know that person doesn't want you to do, how can it be better?  Yeah - if she bought herself a new pair of Jimmy Choos (which probably weren't even around back in the dark ages when I was in college, but let's not get technical here), though he'd have been mad, he probably wouldn't have made her take them back.  But my gosh - if that's everyone's exclusive goal - to ultimately get what they want - then we'd all be swimming in selfishness --- or rather drowning it.  Wouldn't those ridiculously expensive shoes eventually cost her much more than simply dollars?  Wouldn't his trust be damaged - and possibly even - eventually - destroyed?  Wouldn't their relationship thus suffer from that lack of trust?  And isn't trust more valuable than a pair of freaking shoes?!?!

What about feelings?  We all have them.  So shouldn't we all understand what other people are likely to feel as a result of our actions?  It seems pretty simple to me.  If I tell a friend I'll be somewhere, she is going to expect me to be there.  Why shouldn't she?  I SAID I'd be there.  If I just blow it off, then I am clearly indicating to her that her feelings don't matter to me.  Isn't that obvious?  Forgetfulness is forgivable, certainly,
but there are ways to avoid forgetting.  And my gosh, but if you forget you should certainly express regret over it, right??  So when someone doesn't even seem to realize that the flakiness is an issue - doesn't apologize - doesn't seem to even notice that you are an actual human person with feelings, then what kind of friend IS that?!?!

But whoops -- I'm doing that unproductive venting thing again.  REALLY SORRY.  Forgive me.  Please.

Ok - HOW TO DEAL.

Well.


Hmmmmm....


Maybe this is why I keep getting sidetracked.


?   ?    ?     ?       ??????????


How the heck do you deal with not being able to count on someone?  Not feeling like your feelings even matter?  Not being a priority to someone YOU make a priority in YOUR life?  How do you deal with lack of consideration from someone who should be entirely, totally, 100% considerate of you because THAT is what friendship means?!?!

You know what - I actually think the answer is quite simple:  you decide if what you gain from the relationship (which should be questionable if you can't count on someone - I mean, are they even around to provide "gains"??) outweighs the challenges.  If it doesn't, you cut bait and go fishing for other, TRUE friends.  If it does, you accept that you might never be able to count on that person, but you choose to be friends anyway - for whatever it is you DO gain from the relationship.

Sometimes we just have to develop thicker skins - choose not to take things so personally.

I recently ended a friendship with a woman who made it impossible to even HAVE a true "friendship" with her because she flaked out on so many things so much of the time.  Do I miss her?  Maybe.  If she could have actually followed through on get togethers (and even phone calls!) then we would've spent some great time together.  But she couldn't, so we didn't, and there is nothing to miss.  The friendship was nonexistent anyway.  I currently have another "friend" who is the same way.  Her follow through is so consistently nonexistent that there really is no actual friendship - - but we share a connection that makes it impossible for me to cut her out completely.  I can, however, stop counting on her and put myself out of my misery!  And then there are those friends who ARE there at times.  Maybe not all the time - and maybe they're not even aware that it affects me when they flake - but they do add to my life in very positive ways when they can (or choose).  And much of the time those positives are actually pretty fabulous.

So I'd rather hold onto the positives and ignore the negatives - - at least until I get blown off on something significant - - like my 40th birthday party, or my retirement dinner, or my funeral - - - now THAT is the kind of thing I think I'd have to end a friendship over.