I tend to get depressed. I believe this is a hereditary condition, linked directly to the ADD my sis and I believe we inherited from our mother. Couple this with several lousy romantic relationships in a row, and I've spent a LOT of time in the past few years glued to the couch. I've even had days where I've over indulged in margaritas or wine or whatever alcoholic beverage may be lurking ominously on my counter or in the fridge (after I shipped Mini Me off to my parents, confessing to a desperate need to just be alone), flung myself prostrate on the couch, and attempted to watch a series of pathetic B movies through tears and sobs. My brain aids this process by providing ample negative thoughts and unwillingness to perceive life as positive in any way. And so I've wasted way too much of my life simply agonizing over life.
But this hasn't happened in a long time.
In fact, the last time I remember sobbing uncontrollably and drinking excessively starting early in the afternoon was all the way back in the beginning of September when I had the eight hundred and seventy-third conversation with Little Man's sperm donor in which he viciously thrust verbal daggers straight into my heart. So that's like - three and a half months ago! Which is a RECORD, I think.
And despite the fact that I do still tend to enjoy more wine than I probably should (the recommended single glass each day can frequently be a couple of glasses), I am decidedly NOT depressed lately - also despite the fact that things have NOT improved with the SD.
But things have improved with ME.
Choosing to embrace 40 rather than agonize over it has been a significant victory. People have always SAID that "it's all in how you look at things," but come on - - we all know that it's easy to believe that stuff in good times and say, "#@*$ that" when things get tough. And yet I have found that it works. It requires effort -- frequently a heck of a lot of effort that I just don't feel like squeezing out -- but it IS in fact possible to make life better by perceiving it differently.
The big challenge for me has been letting go of my idealistic belief that people are innately good. Don't get me wrong - - I do still think that people ARE good deep down. But way too often their goodness is buried beneath eight billion pounds of steaming, stinking CRAP - and no matter how strong your stomach (or your nose), you just can't dig through that kind of shit alone. What dumbfounds me is that people would choose to REMAIN buried beneath so much disgusting doo doo - - - but I guess after a while they get used to the smell and the weight of it, and they just don't feel like climbing their way out.
So that's their choice.
The SD is one of those people. And as much as I desperately wanted to dig him out, I have accepted that he chooses to remain buried. I'm even becoming less frustrated that he doesn't even seem to realize that he IS, in fact, wallowing in a vat of total CRAP. The important thing is that I chose to climb out of my OWN steaming, stinking pile.
Yeah - I step in it again every so often. But I've learned how to wash it off, thank GOD, and I'm learning how to avoid it. My friends - my children - my family - my new business - my teaching..... they've all become shit shields, so to speak, and I actually feel fairly well protected. Still - - when some of that disgusting dung oozes its way through the cracks and contaminates my existence again, I don't linger in it. I allow myself a good cry for a few moments, but then I get up and head to the showers, making sure to scrub every crack and crevice - even behind my ears - and especially my belly button (you know how the stuff that gets in there is super stubborn and gets all crusty and almost cement-like if you don't clean it out immediately).
So despite the fact that life is FAR from perfect (even though I apparently make it look "picture perfect" on Facebook, according to a childhood friend), I can honestly say that I have - FINALLY - become a happy person. And - I might add- I've done it without drugs!!
So now that I've gotten totally real and confessed my agonizing secret, I'll start sharing more about how I've conquered.... Wait - no - that's a lie. I'll share how I continually battle, and generally win against that beast we call depression.
It's definitely a daily pursuit. But it does get easier everyday. And it feels really good to be on the downside (and upwind). So even as I write about this horrifyingly personal issue, I feel good enough that I'm not afraid to hit the "Publish Post" button.
Really. I'm not afraid.
Maybe slightly hesitant....
And a weeeeeeee bit paranoid about who might read it (particularly that psycho stalker that I had to cut out of my life a little over a month ago).........
But not so much that I'm going to hit "Save Now" instead and think about it for a very long time before I go back and revise and edit and revise some more. No - really - I'm going to post it.
I am.
Deep breath.
Ok - here goes!
I know the feeling *hugs*
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