No, actually that's "Wii Wii Wii!!!!" Or perhaps just "Wii Wii" because we spent two days straight playing the Wii this weekend. And it was a BLAST. How hysterical that a video game can turn adults back into children! How ironic that it can also turn sweet, nurturing women into competitive, ruthless slayers.
But truly, what better way is there to leave your stresses behind, work out your body and your mind, and indulge in some major laughter therapy??
While my Sassy friend was here on Friday, we could have been complaining about work. We could've indulged in gossip. I suppose we could've attempted to save the world by analyzing solutions to all of it's problems - though we have enough problems to solve right within our little work world, so we rarely branch out beyond that... But the point is that rather than spending our "free" time stoking the fire of fury we so often feel in regard to the struggles in our jobs, we let go.
And then I did the same thing - for even LONGER - when my sis was here yesterday. In fact, that is specifically what she came to do: to play the Wii. Why not? It's freaking FUN! Even Little Man has been getting into it - - with help, of course.
The truth is, I think we'd all be so much happier if we indulged in child's play more often. Couple it with a physical workout and mental strategy and we're no longer simply indulging - - we're doing ourselves a huge favor - physically, mentally, spiritually.
I highly recommend everyone try the Wii - especially the Wii Fit Plus and Sports Resort. No - you can NOT get the same benefits from other video games that have you sitting on your bum while you commit crimes and murder people violently through sprays of blood and gore. (On the Wii, there is no death - just comical writhing and twitching on the ground at times - and humorous flattening of wide eyed Miis unsure of what has just befallen them.) Check one out from the video store and test it out. Seriously. This may just be one of the best inventions EVER.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Victims
This term is supposed to refer to such people as the innocent, helpless Haitians who did nothing to bring such tragedy upon themselves. Wives whose husbands manipulate them psychologically while they beat them physically are victims. Even teenagers who wind up pregnant thanks to their horrifically low self esteem and nonexistent sense of identity are victims. And these people deserve our sympathy, our prayers, and our aid.
But what makes me crazy is that so many adults willingly adopt a victim mentality.
AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Why, people? Why would you CHOOSE to be victims?
First off, when you decide you're not at fault - that the universe is conspiring against you, or someone you love is really out to get you, or your circumstances simply stand in the way - you give up all power to change your life! You can't be happy - you can't be successful - you can't even be sane if you constantly believe you are not in control.
Ok - yeah - there are things over which we have no control. A huge, freaking dump truck load of things, in fact. And yes, they can tend to weigh on us just a wee bit. I should know -- I've endured many of them: mental and physical abuse, debt, failure, rejection, termination, betrayal, illness, vindictiveness, manipulation, deceit... I've hurt so badly at times that each and every cell in my body has screamed and sobbed and begged for the earth to simply swallow me up. So I know how easy it is to want to give up and merely cry accusingly, "WHY, GOD? WHY?!?!" But if I did - - if I let those things defeat me - - then where would I be now? Would I even be here?
Accepting misery and defeat is not an acceptable option in my world. Absolutely NOT.
So when life has left me feeling entirely mistreated, I treat myself. And when I screw up and cause my life to go haywire, I realize that no one else is going to fix it for me - I have to make the difference. Come on! Even if I lost my house, crashed my car, got fired from my job, and turned ugly, I'd still have to find a way to be happy. Seriously - who wants to choose agony forever??
It's like I've said before -- it's all in how you look at things.
No house? Renting is actually much more convenient. Someone ELSE does your yard work, fixes your leaky pipes, and replaces the hot water heater when it conks out.
No car? I'll get into AWESOME shape having to walk everywhere! And just think of how much money I'll save on gas.
No job? Hmmm... time off to play for a while? Opportunity to start that new business venture I always dreamed of? Or maybe just the chance to find another job I'll actually end up liking even better.
No looks? I won't get hit on by total wackos anymore. :o)
And if I DO screw up myself? Shoot - there's no better way to gain admiration and respect than to own a mistake and fix it. (And seriously - - who have you known that was perfect? Don't those supposedly perfect people just drive you absolutely NUTS?!? I'd much rather know people who are endearingly imperfect but who are strong and confident enough to admit when they make a mistake!) Embarrassment is agonizing - starting over is terrifying - but screwing up has never completely ended my life. Stalled it a bit, yes - but there's a lot of learning to be done during those stalled moments.
Regardless - if I always spend my time resenting people or circumstances, then I'll just shrivel up into a miserable little ball of human waste. Who wants THAT?!?
So despite the fact that my mother can drive me crazy at times, I remind myself of all the wonderful help she gives me, without which I'd be lost. When my house is a wreck, I don't get angry that I have to deal with so many obligations that I just can't find time to clean - I gratefully acknowledge that my life is full, and I choose to engage in purposeful activities outside the home rather than living in a picture perfect sitcom cottage. (No one really lives that way, anyway - - at least no one normal.) And even though I used to want a safe, secure, comfortable, "normal" family life, I thank GOD for giving me such beautiful, amazing children and the freedom to live my life as I choose - without the typical compromises and concessions a married woman has to make.
I remember once being wrongfully accused of petulant actions that got me kicked out of a musical in which I was to essentially share a leading role. The accusation completely blindsided me, and the hardest part was not being able to do anything about it. "If you knew me," I told the director, "you'd know that all you have to do is tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I'd make it right." But she didn't know me - yet - and she didn't have time to mess with giving me a chance. So I was out. And it hurt. And I was seriously embarrassed.
But not long after that I sat at a theater company meeting in which it was announced that a House Manager was needed for this same show (the house manager being the person who works veerrrryyyy closely with the director to make sure everything is handled correctly in the "front of house"). And so I volunteered.
My peers were shocked. They knew that the director had booted me from her cast. They assumed I was wounded and (rightfully) angry - which I was. But I also knew two things: either 1) the director was wrong about me and I had to prove to her what kind of person I really was, or 2) she was right about me, and I had to become a better person. And so I became that director's right arm. And by the end of the show she absolutely loved me.
In any case, I think I would have made Steven Covey proud.
I look back at that experience and what I remember are the comments I received from cast and crew at the wrap party - - how impressed they were that I had been proactive and done such a beautiful job regardless of how the director had initially treated me. What a success I felt I was at the end of that show. And what a miserable lump I could have chosen to be instead.
Doing the right thing despite unfair treatment doesn't always work - at least not immediately. When the principal at the last high school at which I taught flung ludicrous accusation after ludicrous (and blatantly fictitious) accusation at me in a (successful) attempt to force me to quit, I could do nothing to change his mind. Of course he was a very small little man (tiny, actually, despite his towering height) with absolutely no backbone (or testicles, I would venture to guess) who was only doing his boss's bidding, regardless of the blatant injustice or the negative impact on his students. Still - by refusing to crumble under his cruelty, I guided my students to success on their AP exam at the end of that school year, chose to take a part-time teaching job that I like even better in many ways (and which allows me to be a MOM, finally!), and have begun pursuing other "dreams" I had put off or didn't realize yet existed. I could have fought him - blamed - hated - accused... but I would have lost. I had no tenure. He had the superintendent. I would've been further defeated, degraded, and depressed. Instead, I am HAPPY. I'm not where I thought I would be - career-wise - but it turns out I'm in a better place.
So I just don't get it. Why would anyone choose to see themself as a victim? Instead, why wouldn't they grab life by the horns, mount the beast, and hold on through that rough ride? Fall off - nurse the bruises and sew up the cuts - rest, refuel, & rejuvenate - and climb right back on....
But I suppose if someone would rather just lie there and get trampled, it's their prerogative to choose that, too. But UGH. I can't still figure out WHY THEY WOULD!!!!!
But what makes me crazy is that so many adults willingly adopt a victim mentality.
AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Why, people? Why would you CHOOSE to be victims?
First off, when you decide you're not at fault - that the universe is conspiring against you, or someone you love is really out to get you, or your circumstances simply stand in the way - you give up all power to change your life! You can't be happy - you can't be successful - you can't even be sane if you constantly believe you are not in control.
Ok - yeah - there are things over which we have no control. A huge, freaking dump truck load of things, in fact. And yes, they can tend to weigh on us just a wee bit. I should know -- I've endured many of them: mental and physical abuse, debt, failure, rejection, termination, betrayal, illness, vindictiveness, manipulation, deceit... I've hurt so badly at times that each and every cell in my body has screamed and sobbed and begged for the earth to simply swallow me up. So I know how easy it is to want to give up and merely cry accusingly, "WHY, GOD? WHY?!?!" But if I did - - if I let those things defeat me - - then where would I be now? Would I even be here?
Accepting misery and defeat is not an acceptable option in my world. Absolutely NOT.
So when life has left me feeling entirely mistreated, I treat myself. And when I screw up and cause my life to go haywire, I realize that no one else is going to fix it for me - I have to make the difference. Come on! Even if I lost my house, crashed my car, got fired from my job, and turned ugly, I'd still have to find a way to be happy. Seriously - who wants to choose agony forever??
It's like I've said before -- it's all in how you look at things.
No house? Renting is actually much more convenient. Someone ELSE does your yard work, fixes your leaky pipes, and replaces the hot water heater when it conks out.
No car? I'll get into AWESOME shape having to walk everywhere! And just think of how much money I'll save on gas.
No job? Hmmm... time off to play for a while? Opportunity to start that new business venture I always dreamed of? Or maybe just the chance to find another job I'll actually end up liking even better.
No looks? I won't get hit on by total wackos anymore. :o)
And if I DO screw up myself? Shoot - there's no better way to gain admiration and respect than to own a mistake and fix it. (And seriously - - who have you known that was perfect? Don't those supposedly perfect people just drive you absolutely NUTS?!? I'd much rather know people who are endearingly imperfect but who are strong and confident enough to admit when they make a mistake!) Embarrassment is agonizing - starting over is terrifying - but screwing up has never completely ended my life. Stalled it a bit, yes - but there's a lot of learning to be done during those stalled moments.
Regardless - if I always spend my time resenting people or circumstances, then I'll just shrivel up into a miserable little ball of human waste. Who wants THAT?!?
So despite the fact that my mother can drive me crazy at times, I remind myself of all the wonderful help she gives me, without which I'd be lost. When my house is a wreck, I don't get angry that I have to deal with so many obligations that I just can't find time to clean - I gratefully acknowledge that my life is full, and I choose to engage in purposeful activities outside the home rather than living in a picture perfect sitcom cottage. (No one really lives that way, anyway - - at least no one normal.) And even though I used to want a safe, secure, comfortable, "normal" family life, I thank GOD for giving me such beautiful, amazing children and the freedom to live my life as I choose - without the typical compromises and concessions a married woman has to make.
I remember once being wrongfully accused of petulant actions that got me kicked out of a musical in which I was to essentially share a leading role. The accusation completely blindsided me, and the hardest part was not being able to do anything about it. "If you knew me," I told the director, "you'd know that all you have to do is tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I'd make it right." But she didn't know me - yet - and she didn't have time to mess with giving me a chance. So I was out. And it hurt. And I was seriously embarrassed.
But not long after that I sat at a theater company meeting in which it was announced that a House Manager was needed for this same show (the house manager being the person who works veerrrryyyy closely with the director to make sure everything is handled correctly in the "front of house"). And so I volunteered.
My peers were shocked. They knew that the director had booted me from her cast. They assumed I was wounded and (rightfully) angry - which I was. But I also knew two things: either 1) the director was wrong about me and I had to prove to her what kind of person I really was, or 2) she was right about me, and I had to become a better person. And so I became that director's right arm. And by the end of the show she absolutely loved me.
In any case, I think I would have made Steven Covey proud.
I look back at that experience and what I remember are the comments I received from cast and crew at the wrap party - - how impressed they were that I had been proactive and done such a beautiful job regardless of how the director had initially treated me. What a success I felt I was at the end of that show. And what a miserable lump I could have chosen to be instead.
Doing the right thing despite unfair treatment doesn't always work - at least not immediately. When the principal at the last high school at which I taught flung ludicrous accusation after ludicrous (and blatantly fictitious) accusation at me in a (successful) attempt to force me to quit, I could do nothing to change his mind. Of course he was a very small little man (tiny, actually, despite his towering height) with absolutely no backbone (or testicles, I would venture to guess) who was only doing his boss's bidding, regardless of the blatant injustice or the negative impact on his students. Still - by refusing to crumble under his cruelty, I guided my students to success on their AP exam at the end of that school year, chose to take a part-time teaching job that I like even better in many ways (and which allows me to be a MOM, finally!), and have begun pursuing other "dreams" I had put off or didn't realize yet existed. I could have fought him - blamed - hated - accused... but I would have lost. I had no tenure. He had the superintendent. I would've been further defeated, degraded, and depressed. Instead, I am HAPPY. I'm not where I thought I would be - career-wise - but it turns out I'm in a better place.
So I just don't get it. Why would anyone choose to see themself as a victim? Instead, why wouldn't they grab life by the horns, mount the beast, and hold on through that rough ride? Fall off - nurse the bruises and sew up the cuts - rest, refuel, & rejuvenate - and climb right back on....
But I suppose if someone would rather just lie there and get trampled, it's their prerogative to choose that, too. But UGH. I can't still figure out WHY THEY WOULD!!!!!
Monday, January 25, 2010
"Stupid"
I was incredibly relieved to hear a friend use this term in regard to the American people yesterday. As much as I hate to judge others, I'm afraid that is what many of us are. How tragically devastating are the events of this past week -- and no, I'm not talking about what is happening in Haiti. I'm talking about what is happening on Facebook. Discussion after discussion is taking place actually criticizing the efforts to help Haiti.
When I turned off the t.v. the other evening because the telethon was on every single channel, I was certainly not disgusted by the efforts, but rather overwhelmed that there is such widespread support for our fellow humans! I could not, however, watch with my ever-so-sensitive daughter whose heart breaks when she sees the sad scenes of what the Haitians are enduring. This is the same daughter who proudly deposited $20 in a collection basket following Dream Girls on Saturday - and who proudly proclaimed that her papa had given $50.
But on Facebook, I've actually seen posts that bash other countries for not helping US when we experienced tragedy. I've seen America actually being chastised for giving to this cause! One man had even commented - THREE TIMES - "F#@% Haiti." As if once was not enough to convey his disgust.
What is wrong with these people?!?
Honestly, I think they're the ones who refuse to give anything - ever - to any cause. They can spout the importance of providing for those in need right here in our own country, but I'm guessing they don't do it. So they're griping about the ridiculousness of our giving to a country that has been literally devastated - to what, make themselves look smart? To justify their own lack of willingness to reach out? To cover up their own selfishness?
My girlfriend was right. Americans are stupid. And - as one post told me I should be - I AM ASHAMED.
And very, very sad.
But all I can do is continue with my own efforts - individually, as a teacher, as a parent, and as a volunteer for multiple community organizations - to make a difference. And hope and pray that the stupid Americans will someday take their blinders off and open their eyes to the comforting, inspiring, exciting reality that we are ALL CONNECTED UNIVERSALLY.
Certainly those who are spouting crap will be the first ones to cry, "Help ME!" when they suddenly find themselves in a similar situation. Of course Americans will never BE in such a situation, for we HAVE plenty of aid right here - plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of equipment, and plenty of manpower to deal with any kind of devastation that might befall us. Why would we - the lucky ones - NOT want to help those less fortunate?
I'm just so grateful that so many of us DO. God bless my fellow Lions and Lionesses and Kiwanians and all the individuals out there who volunteer their time and donate their hard earned money to help those less fortunate. The world is blessed by your existence!
When I turned off the t.v. the other evening because the telethon was on every single channel, I was certainly not disgusted by the efforts, but rather overwhelmed that there is such widespread support for our fellow humans! I could not, however, watch with my ever-so-sensitive daughter whose heart breaks when she sees the sad scenes of what the Haitians are enduring. This is the same daughter who proudly deposited $20 in a collection basket following Dream Girls on Saturday - and who proudly proclaimed that her papa had given $50.
But on Facebook, I've actually seen posts that bash other countries for not helping US when we experienced tragedy. I've seen America actually being chastised for giving to this cause! One man had even commented - THREE TIMES - "F#@% Haiti." As if once was not enough to convey his disgust.
What is wrong with these people?!?
Honestly, I think they're the ones who refuse to give anything - ever - to any cause. They can spout the importance of providing for those in need right here in our own country, but I'm guessing they don't do it. So they're griping about the ridiculousness of our giving to a country that has been literally devastated - to what, make themselves look smart? To justify their own lack of willingness to reach out? To cover up their own selfishness?
My girlfriend was right. Americans are stupid. And - as one post told me I should be - I AM ASHAMED.
And very, very sad.
But all I can do is continue with my own efforts - individually, as a teacher, as a parent, and as a volunteer for multiple community organizations - to make a difference. And hope and pray that the stupid Americans will someday take their blinders off and open their eyes to the comforting, inspiring, exciting reality that we are ALL CONNECTED UNIVERSALLY.
Certainly those who are spouting crap will be the first ones to cry, "Help ME!" when they suddenly find themselves in a similar situation. Of course Americans will never BE in such a situation, for we HAVE plenty of aid right here - plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of equipment, and plenty of manpower to deal with any kind of devastation that might befall us. Why would we - the lucky ones - NOT want to help those less fortunate?
I'm just so grateful that so many of us DO. God bless my fellow Lions and Lionesses and Kiwanians and all the individuals out there who volunteer their time and donate their hard earned money to help those less fortunate. The world is blessed by your existence!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Mish Mosh
That's what's in my brain right now. That's what's in my brain frequently, in fact. I just choose to pretend that I have things figured out most of the time. But trust me - I don't. Sometimes I think I do, but then everything shifts, and my world gets all tilted, and my balance is thrown off, and I have to readjust everything -- my footing, my center of gravity, my posture, my handholds... Luckily it's not a daily occurrence, but it comes awfully damn close sometimes.
So here's the mish mosh in my brain today - just as it occurs:
EXERCISE!
But when?!?!?
Stop spending freaking money.
Damn it - I'm unorganized.
Tomorrow is insane - gotta make a list.
CRAP! I didn't print Miche stuff!!
Thank GOD I finally got the letters of rec done.
I miss Little Man.
What the heck was I supposed to remember to do for Lioness???
STOP THE PROCRASTINATION.
Where the heck is the Black Stacy??
Make a freaking schedule.
DUH.
Do I want to date?
Do I have time?!?
Is there even anyone out there I could be truly interested in??
If there is, will I ever even meet him???
I love being single!!!
I want to have time to just PLAY with my kids this week.
I wish my house was clean.
Would it seriously take that long to get stuff done if I just DID it?
Why do I have so much stuff in my closet that I never wear?!?
SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!!
I wish I remembered more math.
And science.
And history.
I was too hard on the student who says she was in the hospital but is probably lying to me.
I wish I could look good in a bikini again.
I'm glad I don't care that I don't look good in a bikini anymore.
MUST GRADE PAPERS.
I hate grading papers.
Why the heck do I hate grading?!?
Why can't I drag my ass out of bed right when I wake up in the morning?!?
How many hours of my life have I wasted just lying in bed, "thinking"??
The people in Haiti wish they had my problems.
I am grateful.
For friends.
For my home.
For my KIDS!
For my parents.
For good health.
For a world that puts up with me, and often even seems to like me.
For MIRACLES.
I honestly wish I weren't pretty. Then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I looked pretty.
Or whether I'm getting OLD.
Which I am.
But it's a good thing.
Except I wish I looked young and hot again.
But then again I DON'T wish that.
But I hate that I DO care.
Even though I don't.
And at some point I must accept - I mean really accept (not just say and possibly even believe that I accept) that my brain will always work this way - that I will always flip flop and bounce around and go totally out of whack and off balance.
But I can handle it. If I know myself well enough.
I can always remind myself that there is something good on the other side.
Because there always is.
Which brings me back to my most pressing need:
PATIENCE!!!!
So here's the mish mosh in my brain today - just as it occurs:
EXERCISE!
But when?!?!?
Stop spending freaking money.
Damn it - I'm unorganized.
Tomorrow is insane - gotta make a list.
CRAP! I didn't print Miche stuff!!
Thank GOD I finally got the letters of rec done.
I miss Little Man.
What the heck was I supposed to remember to do for Lioness???
STOP THE PROCRASTINATION.
Where the heck is the Black Stacy??
Make a freaking schedule.
DUH.
Do I want to date?
Do I have time?!?
Is there even anyone out there I could be truly interested in??
If there is, will I ever even meet him???
I love being single!!!
I want to have time to just PLAY with my kids this week.
I wish my house was clean.
Would it seriously take that long to get stuff done if I just DID it?
Why do I have so much stuff in my closet that I never wear?!?
SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!!
I wish I remembered more math.
And science.
And history.
I was too hard on the student who says she was in the hospital but is probably lying to me.
I wish I could look good in a bikini again.
I'm glad I don't care that I don't look good in a bikini anymore.
MUST GRADE PAPERS.
I hate grading papers.
Why the heck do I hate grading?!?
Why can't I drag my ass out of bed right when I wake up in the morning?!?
How many hours of my life have I wasted just lying in bed, "thinking"??
The people in Haiti wish they had my problems.
I am grateful.
For friends.
For my home.
For my KIDS!
For my parents.
For good health.
For a world that puts up with me, and often even seems to like me.
For MIRACLES.
I honestly wish I weren't pretty. Then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I looked pretty.
Or whether I'm getting OLD.
Which I am.
But it's a good thing.
Except I wish I looked young and hot again.
But then again I DON'T wish that.
But I hate that I DO care.
Even though I don't.
And at some point I must accept - I mean really accept (not just say and possibly even believe that I accept) that my brain will always work this way - that I will always flip flop and bounce around and go totally out of whack and off balance.
But I can handle it. If I know myself well enough.
I can always remind myself that there is something good on the other side.
Because there always is.
Which brings me back to my most pressing need:
PATIENCE!!!!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Busy is GOOD
which is why I refuse to feel guilty for not blogging daily.
The fabulous thing is that, despite being uber-busy and living in a disaster area, I'm not stressed. Obviously I'm enjoying my busy-ness! In fact, I've become so fabulously happy with my busy, busy undertakings that I've stopped battling altogether. AND I'VE WON THE WAR. Well - so far. I'm not completely convinced that my enemy-turned-ally won't suddenly take up arms against me again, but at the moment I just don't care. It's AMAZING how finding purpose and enjoyment in life has shifted my strategic positioning so fully.
So I won't apologize for failing to fulfill my daily writing commitment. The fact that I'm continuing to write at all is a major victory for me, first of all, but the fact that I've brought purposeful, beneficial activity into my and my kids' lives means that I've accomplished the most significant goal for my back forty: LIFE HAS BECOME TRULY FABULOUS.
Don't get me wrong - - the challenges are still there. And my quest for patience is somehow forgotten much of the time when I'm dealing with Mini Me (my pre-adolescent, hormonal, stubborn daughter). But overall things are definitely going well. VERY well. And I'm proud of myself for making these gains.
Now, if I can just balance my hectic schedule with blogging, then I'll have accomplished something really fabulous!
The fabulous thing is that, despite being uber-busy and living in a disaster area, I'm not stressed. Obviously I'm enjoying my busy-ness! In fact, I've become so fabulously happy with my busy, busy undertakings that I've stopped battling altogether. AND I'VE WON THE WAR. Well - so far. I'm not completely convinced that my enemy-turned-ally won't suddenly take up arms against me again, but at the moment I just don't care. It's AMAZING how finding purpose and enjoyment in life has shifted my strategic positioning so fully.
So I won't apologize for failing to fulfill my daily writing commitment. The fact that I'm continuing to write at all is a major victory for me, first of all, but the fact that I've brought purposeful, beneficial activity into my and my kids' lives means that I've accomplished the most significant goal for my back forty: LIFE HAS BECOME TRULY FABULOUS.
Don't get me wrong - - the challenges are still there. And my quest for patience is somehow forgotten much of the time when I'm dealing with Mini Me (my pre-adolescent, hormonal, stubborn daughter). But overall things are definitely going well. VERY well. And I'm proud of myself for making these gains.
Now, if I can just balance my hectic schedule with blogging, then I'll have accomplished something really fabulous!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Idealism
I've been accused of being an idealist - as if that's a bad thing. I'd like to believe I temper my idealism with realism, which at least qualifies me as logical and not a fantasy-ist. But what's wrong with dreaming about a better world - wanting life to be as good as it can get? As long we know the limitations - as long as we don't count on unreasonably fairytale-ish outcomes - then why shouldn't we be optimistic?!? In fact - what happens if we think the worst?
I know that even though I believe people are innately good, they are always going to make bad choices (some more than others). I know that there are MANY unpredictables in life. And I know that life is nowhere near easy.
But I also know that when you believe in someone, it makes a difference. That's why cheerleaders don't desert their teams in the midst of a losing streak. That's why kids born into poverty in the rankest slums in the darkest parts of the most hellish cities can rise above their surroundings and grow up to do great things. And that's why I find it impossible to completely turn my back on the people closest to me, no matter how taxing their choices can be on my psyche.
The thing is, I've SEEN changes occur. Sometimes they're just small - sometimes they don't stick - but they DO happen. We all have the capacity to learn and grow, and from my job to my parenting, I hope to foster just that. And sometimes I actually do. Sometimes not.
Yeah, it's hard to watch people continue to make poor choices. Sometimes I have to let go (according to the serenity prayer) of those things I cannot change. But I refuse to relinquish all my hope because the alternative - to me - is unfathomable.
What happens when you stop dreaming? How does life get better if you resign yourself to it being CRAP? If we all just sit back and say, "I can't change that," then nothing will EVER be changed.
So instead of giving up, I choose to strengthen myself for the fight. I'll surround myself with a fortress of friends and worthwhile undertakings, and I'll fight like hell - safe within the walls of my stronghold.
The trick is avoiding the Trojan horses I've tended to accept as gifts in the past. Sometimes they disguise themselves as harmless little kitty cats who suddenly grow deadly claws and lethal fangs. But you'd think an idealist-realist could finally learn how to safely cage such potential beasts. As long as I take preliminary precautions, I believe I can do just that.
And thus today I fight on!
I know that even though I believe people are innately good, they are always going to make bad choices (some more than others). I know that there are MANY unpredictables in life. And I know that life is nowhere near easy.
But I also know that when you believe in someone, it makes a difference. That's why cheerleaders don't desert their teams in the midst of a losing streak. That's why kids born into poverty in the rankest slums in the darkest parts of the most hellish cities can rise above their surroundings and grow up to do great things. And that's why I find it impossible to completely turn my back on the people closest to me, no matter how taxing their choices can be on my psyche.
The thing is, I've SEEN changes occur. Sometimes they're just small - sometimes they don't stick - but they DO happen. We all have the capacity to learn and grow, and from my job to my parenting, I hope to foster just that. And sometimes I actually do. Sometimes not.
Yeah, it's hard to watch people continue to make poor choices. Sometimes I have to let go (according to the serenity prayer) of those things I cannot change. But I refuse to relinquish all my hope because the alternative - to me - is unfathomable.
What happens when you stop dreaming? How does life get better if you resign yourself to it being CRAP? If we all just sit back and say, "I can't change that," then nothing will EVER be changed.
So instead of giving up, I choose to strengthen myself for the fight. I'll surround myself with a fortress of friends and worthwhile undertakings, and I'll fight like hell - safe within the walls of my stronghold.
The trick is avoiding the Trojan horses I've tended to accept as gifts in the past. Sometimes they disguise themselves as harmless little kitty cats who suddenly grow deadly claws and lethal fangs. But you'd think an idealist-realist could finally learn how to safely cage such potential beasts. As long as I take preliminary precautions, I believe I can do just that.
And thus today I fight on!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Power of Friendship
One of last semester's students wrote his argumentative essay on how it's virtually impossible to find good friends anymore. His evidence included the rarity of opportunities we as adults have to meet new people, and how we're in such a hurry in our lives that even when we do encounter a prospective new friend, we fail to take time to bond.
How DO you bond with another adult, anyway? Certainly you could find some common interests to discuss, but I balk at the prospect of approaching someone in the feminine products aisle and bonding over our common fondness for OB Super Plus tampons. Yes, I'm sure our shared desire to save waste by avoiding tampons with applicators could indicate a common love of the earth upon which we could build a lovely, green friendship, but regardless - - that type of initial contact would be more than a wee bit awkward. Perhaps finding common ground in the coffee aisle would be less disconcerting, but I must admit that if someone approached me and said, "Hey! I love Folger's half-caf, caramel mocha nilla-chino, too - let's go chat over a cup of java!" I'd back away quickly, frightened by her desperation.
So how do we do it?
Well, I started a new business. In a sense, it was like joining a club - and that was one of my motivations for doing so. My Scentsational friend and The Queen seemed to be having so much fun both working and discussing their new businesses that I felt left out. So I dove right in.
Now, not only have I bonded more deeply with my inspiring, driven, "old" friends, but I've made some fabulous connections with beautiful new ones as well. And I've got to admit that as much as I sometimes miss the intimate physical/emotional connection I could share with a lover, the bonding I've done recently with all of my girlfriends warms my heart and soul in a way that no man ever has, nor probably ever could.
Girlfriends - the right girlfriends - are excited simply to bond. They WANT TO TALK!! They love sharing their secrets and knowing they can trust you - and you know that as a result you can trust them. And they won't lie to you because they know you'll love them regardless of the ridiculous choices they make. They understand you and understand that YOU also understand them, so there's no manipulative game playing. They don't worry that if they say, "I love you!" you'll take it the wrong way or expect too much out of them, so they actually SAY IT. And they MEAN it. They're simply not afraid to open wide and let you right into their hearts where you're enveloped in warmth and comfort and pure, unadulterated joy.
I have been blessed to find the right girlfriends.
I never would have imagined that here in the back forty I'd have so many truly close friendships, nor that they would rival the intimacy of the friendship I've always shared with my Former Twin, but somehow I have found more wonderful friendships than I ever had as a child. I was so lucky back then to have a friend who was truly the other half of me, and I'm beyond thrilled that we've hung onto that beautiful bond for all these years. But now I'm even luckier to have entered a phase of life in which other women have also gained the wisdom of experience and are less afraid to share it than they were when we were younger - - so now I'm treasuring many friendships that beatiful - - and I could not be more grateful.
Here's to all the beautiful women in my life! From Facebook friends to church family to Lionesses to work relationships and all that way back around - you are all invaluable treasures, and I LOVE YOU!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
How DO you bond with another adult, anyway? Certainly you could find some common interests to discuss, but I balk at the prospect of approaching someone in the feminine products aisle and bonding over our common fondness for OB Super Plus tampons. Yes, I'm sure our shared desire to save waste by avoiding tampons with applicators could indicate a common love of the earth upon which we could build a lovely, green friendship, but regardless - - that type of initial contact would be more than a wee bit awkward. Perhaps finding common ground in the coffee aisle would be less disconcerting, but I must admit that if someone approached me and said, "Hey! I love Folger's half-caf, caramel mocha nilla-chino, too - let's go chat over a cup of java!" I'd back away quickly, frightened by her desperation.
So how do we do it?
Well, I started a new business. In a sense, it was like joining a club - and that was one of my motivations for doing so. My Scentsational friend and The Queen seemed to be having so much fun both working and discussing their new businesses that I felt left out. So I dove right in.
Now, not only have I bonded more deeply with my inspiring, driven, "old" friends, but I've made some fabulous connections with beautiful new ones as well. And I've got to admit that as much as I sometimes miss the intimate physical/emotional connection I could share with a lover, the bonding I've done recently with all of my girlfriends warms my heart and soul in a way that no man ever has, nor probably ever could.
Girlfriends - the right girlfriends - are excited simply to bond. They WANT TO TALK!! They love sharing their secrets and knowing they can trust you - and you know that as a result you can trust them. And they won't lie to you because they know you'll love them regardless of the ridiculous choices they make. They understand you and understand that YOU also understand them, so there's no manipulative game playing. They don't worry that if they say, "I love you!" you'll take it the wrong way or expect too much out of them, so they actually SAY IT. And they MEAN it. They're simply not afraid to open wide and let you right into their hearts where you're enveloped in warmth and comfort and pure, unadulterated joy.
I have been blessed to find the right girlfriends.
I never would have imagined that here in the back forty I'd have so many truly close friendships, nor that they would rival the intimacy of the friendship I've always shared with my Former Twin, but somehow I have found more wonderful friendships than I ever had as a child. I was so lucky back then to have a friend who was truly the other half of me, and I'm beyond thrilled that we've hung onto that beautiful bond for all these years. But now I'm even luckier to have entered a phase of life in which other women have also gained the wisdom of experience and are less afraid to share it than they were when we were younger - - so now I'm treasuring many friendships that beatiful - - and I could not be more grateful.
Here's to all the beautiful women in my life! From Facebook friends to church family to Lionesses to work relationships and all that way back around - you are all invaluable treasures, and I LOVE YOU!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Friday, January 15, 2010
Attitude is Everything
That's the title of a book my uncle sent me a decade ago, when I was first pregnant with my daughter and her father turned his back on me.
And he was right. Well - maybe it's not just about attitude - - I think it's about perception. Steven Covey discusses this in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (a book I believe should be required reading for anyone who is not a total hermit). When life seems horrible, Covey claims, we need to make a "paradigm" shift. Change the way we look at things. Adjust the lens.
I try like heck to do this, but sometimes my lenses refuse to cooperate. They get foggy a lot. Sometimes they change color. I swear half the time I can't even FIND them, so I can hardly see anything clearly at all. But having recently been dealing with someone who refuses to even WEAR his lenses, I suddenly understand just how important it is to make sure I keep track of mine - take care of them - and understand that regardless of what is going on out there in the world, I still have the power to turn the dial and shift my focus. It's like the color adjustment on the t.v. Sometimes people look green - - other times they rival Barney in hue. You have to be a total idiot to think that's truly the way someone looks! It doesn't take that much effort to adjust the color settings! Yeah - it's more complex now that everything's digital and you have to go searching through the menu and figure out which buttons to push to get it adjusted, but come on - - isn't that wee bit of trouble worth if it you can see things clearly in the end?
Mini Me was writing about the California Poppy the other day. Intriguing flower, that one. It is said to proliferate in areas recently burned out by fire. Funny, but I think most people's focus in the midst of a forest fire would be on the devastation it wreaks - not on the possibility that vibrant, beautiful flowers might just pop up out of the ashes. But when you're staring at a fire, wouldn't you RATHER think of something positive coming out of it than sink into grief over what it might be destroying? Fire burns more readily when what it's burning is dead and dried out. Sometimes we need to remember that all that dead stuff should be destroyed anyway. And then we can look forward to the flowers that might pop up in its place.
And he was right. Well - maybe it's not just about attitude - - I think it's about perception. Steven Covey discusses this in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (a book I believe should be required reading for anyone who is not a total hermit). When life seems horrible, Covey claims, we need to make a "paradigm" shift. Change the way we look at things. Adjust the lens.
I try like heck to do this, but sometimes my lenses refuse to cooperate. They get foggy a lot. Sometimes they change color. I swear half the time I can't even FIND them, so I can hardly see anything clearly at all. But having recently been dealing with someone who refuses to even WEAR his lenses, I suddenly understand just how important it is to make sure I keep track of mine - take care of them - and understand that regardless of what is going on out there in the world, I still have the power to turn the dial and shift my focus. It's like the color adjustment on the t.v. Sometimes people look green - - other times they rival Barney in hue. You have to be a total idiot to think that's truly the way someone looks! It doesn't take that much effort to adjust the color settings! Yeah - it's more complex now that everything's digital and you have to go searching through the menu and figure out which buttons to push to get it adjusted, but come on - - isn't that wee bit of trouble worth if it you can see things clearly in the end?
Mini Me was writing about the California Poppy the other day. Intriguing flower, that one. It is said to proliferate in areas recently burned out by fire. Funny, but I think most people's focus in the midst of a forest fire would be on the devastation it wreaks - not on the possibility that vibrant, beautiful flowers might just pop up out of the ashes. But when you're staring at a fire, wouldn't you RATHER think of something positive coming out of it than sink into grief over what it might be destroying? Fire burns more readily when what it's burning is dead and dried out. Sometimes we need to remember that all that dead stuff should be destroyed anyway. And then we can look forward to the flowers that might pop up in its place.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Grrrr!!!
I have one of those brains that won't let me relax. It's a standard ADD trait - the inability to truly relax and enjoy a moment without the anxious anticipation of moving on to something else. I could sit peacefully on a blanket, staring at a gorgeous sunset, for about half a minute before I was restless to get up and move on to something else. I'm not hyperactive - my brain just can't handle total peacefulness. UGH!!!
My biggest problem right now is that my brain also cannot let go of injustices. It whines and cries and yells and stomps its feet indignantly when there is injustice in my world - and it rebels against relinquishing hope. Hope is what fuels my brain, apparently. An idealistic belief in goodness - a stubborn refusal to give up - and a determined willingness to suffer whatever agonies are necessary to change the world according to my own utopian dream cause my brain to react violently to defeat. It refuses to accept it.
And thus I was haunted last night by constant urges to communicate with the one person for whom I MUST give up hope. How many weeks and months and years does it take to prove that someone will NOT change?!? Apparently my brain thinks that number is infinite - that when it wants to believe something, that something MUST be true.
Ironic. That's exactly what the problem is for the other person, too.
I sat in my fairly clean living room with my adorable children, watching one of my favorite shows, and I couldn't just enjoy the moment. Damn you, broken brain!! Sometimes I believe my own brain is actually my worst enemy. How do you fight THAT?!?
But I have become wiser here in the back forty, and now I can at least understand what the heck is going on with this overactive, highly complex organ which controls my entire existence - and the more I understand how it works, the more I can at least somewhat "control" it. For instance, I could shove aside those painful thoughts about what is not and never will be and instead force myself to look at what IS and love being in that moment. I could remind myself - every time I picked up the phone to text - that this whole situation is what it is because he's never going to get it!! So then I put the phone back down. And my obstinate gray matter actually believed me when I reiterated that I simply need TIME to get over this - that eventually it WILL get easier - that I've gone through all of this before and I KNOW from experience that I will survive and things will be so much better when I get through the healing.
So I didn't text. Or call. Or email. THANK GOD!!!!
And this morning I felt good about that. Yes, I also felt a bit sad, and I lingered in bed a bit longer even after the kids were up. I'm just so frustrated to have to keep going through these crappy emotions! Get on with the grief and get over it, already - it's been FOREVER!!!!!! So yes - I stewed for a bit longer than I should have today. But once again I told my brain those things it must be told over and over and over again, apparently: your kids need you to be a mom, and if you just get up and get going, you'll feel much better anyway!
So I did. And I proved myself RIGHT. :o)
My biggest problem right now is that my brain also cannot let go of injustices. It whines and cries and yells and stomps its feet indignantly when there is injustice in my world - and it rebels against relinquishing hope. Hope is what fuels my brain, apparently. An idealistic belief in goodness - a stubborn refusal to give up - and a determined willingness to suffer whatever agonies are necessary to change the world according to my own utopian dream cause my brain to react violently to defeat. It refuses to accept it.
And thus I was haunted last night by constant urges to communicate with the one person for whom I MUST give up hope. How many weeks and months and years does it take to prove that someone will NOT change?!? Apparently my brain thinks that number is infinite - that when it wants to believe something, that something MUST be true.
Ironic. That's exactly what the problem is for the other person, too.
I sat in my fairly clean living room with my adorable children, watching one of my favorite shows, and I couldn't just enjoy the moment. Damn you, broken brain!! Sometimes I believe my own brain is actually my worst enemy. How do you fight THAT?!?
But I have become wiser here in the back forty, and now I can at least understand what the heck is going on with this overactive, highly complex organ which controls my entire existence - and the more I understand how it works, the more I can at least somewhat "control" it. For instance, I could shove aside those painful thoughts about what is not and never will be and instead force myself to look at what IS and love being in that moment. I could remind myself - every time I picked up the phone to text - that this whole situation is what it is because he's never going to get it!! So then I put the phone back down. And my obstinate gray matter actually believed me when I reiterated that I simply need TIME to get over this - that eventually it WILL get easier - that I've gone through all of this before and I KNOW from experience that I will survive and things will be so much better when I get through the healing.
So I didn't text. Or call. Or email. THANK GOD!!!!
And this morning I felt good about that. Yes, I also felt a bit sad, and I lingered in bed a bit longer even after the kids were up. I'm just so frustrated to have to keep going through these crappy emotions! Get on with the grief and get over it, already - it's been FOREVER!!!!!! So yes - I stewed for a bit longer than I should have today. But once again I told my brain those things it must be told over and over and over again, apparently: your kids need you to be a mom, and if you just get up and get going, you'll feel much better anyway!
So I did. And I proved myself RIGHT. :o)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Log in My Own Eye
I'm such a hypocrite. I've been so busy pointing fingers this weekend, that I failed to take responsibility for my own actions.
I made a huge mistake many months ago, and I've been paying for it ever since - but blaming someone else. And I've also been benefiting from the choice - - though I'm letting my emotions go so haywire half the time that I forget to allow them to settle so that I can sort them all out and find the balance within the midst of the chaos. It IS there.
THIS is life: mistakes, triumphs, good, bad, up, down, and everything in between. Maybe I should've done things differently, but I wouldn't be who I am now if I had. The agony and defeat are all part of the grueling training necessary to achieve the WIN.
I'm torn... I think grief does that to you.
I feel so sad and angry and betrayed and dismayed and distraught and yet hopeful... I want to hold onto the positives and relinquish the negatives - quit blaming and start accepting - grieve and HEAL. But somehow I always feel this desperate need to have it all sorted out sooooo neatly in order to put it away just so -- and this is not one of those situations that lends itself to sorting, for this has been a disastrously messy situation right from the start. Do I blame someone else for treating me so badly when I had every responsibility to stop being in the relationship - to quit allowing myself to be treated like that?!? How do I give up hope of a situation ever improving (even knowing that I've done everything possible to improve it on my end, and you can't possibly move a mountain - especially not all by yourself, and particularly when the mountain does NOT want to be moved) when I feel that means giving up hope in humanity? I know - not all of humanity - just this ONE human -- but a human to whom I'm permanently connected in some ways... How do you cut off your arm - riddled with flesh eating bacteria and threatening your life - without feeling the achingly empty absence of that arm forever??
I don't know. I just know that I've been unfair. I've been badgering and yelling and demanding and pleading for someone else to change when I have as much responsibility for getting myself into this mess as that other human does. So perhaps it's just time to forgive us both - and then to surrender the fight and lay down my arms, permanently.
It's not the bacteria's fault, after all. It was simply doing what flesh eating bacteria are meant to do.
The thing is, I'm sad. I don't believe in war. But when you believe in something else so strongly, sometimes you have to fight for it, and fight hard, and fight long. Right now I feel like I've been fighting forever, though I've gotten nowhere. When I start these battles, I always believe wholeheartedly that I will win. Who goes into a war she knows she's going to lose? I'm stubborn, and I fight like hell, so I should win! But I can't. Not this time. Still - it's so incredibly hard to finally just give up.
But maybe it's for the best.
I just spent some time looking even further back - and I realize that those battles I've fought and lost in the past have actually helped me to win the war. I no longer even want what I used to fight so hard for!
It's especially exhaustingly, emotionally painful to surrender this particular battle, but I will - because I've finally realized that I may have actually already won the war. Even if I haven't, realizing that I have to remove the log from own eye will at least help me see a heck of a lot more clearly in my pursuit of that win. And this time I WILL get it.
I made a huge mistake many months ago, and I've been paying for it ever since - but blaming someone else. And I've also been benefiting from the choice - - though I'm letting my emotions go so haywire half the time that I forget to allow them to settle so that I can sort them all out and find the balance within the midst of the chaos. It IS there.
THIS is life: mistakes, triumphs, good, bad, up, down, and everything in between. Maybe I should've done things differently, but I wouldn't be who I am now if I had. The agony and defeat are all part of the grueling training necessary to achieve the WIN.
I'm torn... I think grief does that to you.
I feel so sad and angry and betrayed and dismayed and distraught and yet hopeful... I want to hold onto the positives and relinquish the negatives - quit blaming and start accepting - grieve and HEAL. But somehow I always feel this desperate need to have it all sorted out sooooo neatly in order to put it away just so -- and this is not one of those situations that lends itself to sorting, for this has been a disastrously messy situation right from the start. Do I blame someone else for treating me so badly when I had every responsibility to stop being in the relationship - to quit allowing myself to be treated like that?!? How do I give up hope of a situation ever improving (even knowing that I've done everything possible to improve it on my end, and you can't possibly move a mountain - especially not all by yourself, and particularly when the mountain does NOT want to be moved) when I feel that means giving up hope in humanity? I know - not all of humanity - just this ONE human -- but a human to whom I'm permanently connected in some ways... How do you cut off your arm - riddled with flesh eating bacteria and threatening your life - without feeling the achingly empty absence of that arm forever??
I don't know. I just know that I've been unfair. I've been badgering and yelling and demanding and pleading for someone else to change when I have as much responsibility for getting myself into this mess as that other human does. So perhaps it's just time to forgive us both - and then to surrender the fight and lay down my arms, permanently.
It's not the bacteria's fault, after all. It was simply doing what flesh eating bacteria are meant to do.
The thing is, I'm sad. I don't believe in war. But when you believe in something else so strongly, sometimes you have to fight for it, and fight hard, and fight long. Right now I feel like I've been fighting forever, though I've gotten nowhere. When I start these battles, I always believe wholeheartedly that I will win. Who goes into a war she knows she's going to lose? I'm stubborn, and I fight like hell, so I should win! But I can't. Not this time. Still - it's so incredibly hard to finally just give up.
But maybe it's for the best.
I just spent some time looking even further back - and I realize that those battles I've fought and lost in the past have actually helped me to win the war. I no longer even want what I used to fight so hard for!
It's especially exhaustingly, emotionally painful to surrender this particular battle, but I will - because I've finally realized that I may have actually already won the war. Even if I haven't, realizing that I have to remove the log from own eye will at least help me see a heck of a lot more clearly in my pursuit of that win. And this time I WILL get it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Pajamas
That's what I'm wearing. That's what I've been wearing all day in fact. AND a bathrobe. I even answered the door like this -- TWICE!
Nope - I wasn't depressed, nor was I lazy - - I just didn't see a need to shower and get dressed when I was working on Miche stuff all day long, and neither Little Man nor my father (who stopped by to snowblow for me, bless his overworked heart!!) cared what I looked like. And the crazy thing is, it felt GOOD. It felt purposeful. Yeah - that makes seemingly very little sense, but it's true nonetheless. I was surrounded by purpose all day long! And despite having been in my PJs for 24 hours straight now, I got a reassuring amount of work accomplished today. So much work that I didn't have an extra 20 minutes to stop and shower and get dressed!
Well - and I did some internet socializing, too, but that's valuable. Maintaining connections with friends is extremely valuable. And purposeful!
I laughed a lot today, too. Especially when Little Man was dancing to some teeny bopper music on the Disney Channel and his sissy joined him. And when Mini Me's former first grade teacher was messaging me about naughty teenage reminiscences on Facebook. (I was the naughty one - not she. Well - perhaps she was naughty, but we haven't discussed her escapades yet - - and we only hinted at mine.) And when a guy friend caught on to the color posts women were putting as their FBook statuses in recognition of breast cancer awareness today and so he added, "Blue plaid!" as his. And when I dug excitedly through the box of "purse stuffer" giveaways that arrived a day before promised - and even when I unpacked the crisp, brown shopping bags that also came today. I even laughed when Little Man was stepping all over the chrome shelves I was putting together as he beat time with two of the chrome tubes. But I'd say I was more indulging in smirky little giggles as I arranged my show stock on my new display shelves (a bathroom towel rack and matching shelf tower, actually, but a highly creative solution, if I do say so myself!) and realized just how incredibly ingenious I am. ;o)
Plus I got show materials designed and printed - all 2009 receipts and invoices collected and filed - and I even designed my own Excel spreadsheet to balance income and expenses! WOO HOO!!!
AND THEN I COOKED DINNER. (That is all in caps - and bolded - of course, because it is nothing short of a miracle and thus requires appropriate emphasis and recognition.)
The house is still a mess - - but the kitchen is fairly clean. (Another miracle!) Most of the laundry is done and put away (except for the multiple piles which are still stacked (but folded) on the table in the laundry room. But if I don't mind having to trek down to the basement to get dressed, that doesn't matter, right?) And since I got my course syllabi done yesterday, I still have several days to catch up on projects before my schedule becomes completely chaotic again. So it's all good!!
Yes - remaining in my PJs all day was a good choice. Especially because it now saves me the agony of having to undress in my extremely chilly bedroom (or the lazyness of simply going to bed in whatever I would have been wearing instead). I highly recommend a pajama day to anyone who can manage to avoid running errands, offending a spouse, or frightening their own UPS (and FedEx) guys. You can always claim that you're reliving "spirit week" from your long lost high school days!
Or, you could just say, "What the f#@%."
:o)
Nope - I wasn't depressed, nor was I lazy - - I just didn't see a need to shower and get dressed when I was working on Miche stuff all day long, and neither Little Man nor my father (who stopped by to snowblow for me, bless his overworked heart!!) cared what I looked like. And the crazy thing is, it felt GOOD. It felt purposeful. Yeah - that makes seemingly very little sense, but it's true nonetheless. I was surrounded by purpose all day long! And despite having been in my PJs for 24 hours straight now, I got a reassuring amount of work accomplished today. So much work that I didn't have an extra 20 minutes to stop and shower and get dressed!
Well - and I did some internet socializing, too, but that's valuable. Maintaining connections with friends is extremely valuable. And purposeful!
I laughed a lot today, too. Especially when Little Man was dancing to some teeny bopper music on the Disney Channel and his sissy joined him. And when Mini Me's former first grade teacher was messaging me about naughty teenage reminiscences on Facebook. (I was the naughty one - not she. Well - perhaps she was naughty, but we haven't discussed her escapades yet - - and we only hinted at mine.) And when a guy friend caught on to the color posts women were putting as their FBook statuses in recognition of breast cancer awareness today and so he added, "Blue plaid!" as his. And when I dug excitedly through the box of "purse stuffer" giveaways that arrived a day before promised - and even when I unpacked the crisp, brown shopping bags that also came today. I even laughed when Little Man was stepping all over the chrome shelves I was putting together as he beat time with two of the chrome tubes. But I'd say I was more indulging in smirky little giggles as I arranged my show stock on my new display shelves (a bathroom towel rack and matching shelf tower, actually, but a highly creative solution, if I do say so myself!) and realized just how incredibly ingenious I am. ;o)
Plus I got show materials designed and printed - all 2009 receipts and invoices collected and filed - and I even designed my own Excel spreadsheet to balance income and expenses! WOO HOO!!!
AND THEN I COOKED DINNER. (That is all in caps - and bolded - of course, because it is nothing short of a miracle and thus requires appropriate emphasis and recognition.)
The house is still a mess - - but the kitchen is fairly clean. (Another miracle!) Most of the laundry is done and put away (except for the multiple piles which are still stacked (but folded) on the table in the laundry room. But if I don't mind having to trek down to the basement to get dressed, that doesn't matter, right?) And since I got my course syllabi done yesterday, I still have several days to catch up on projects before my schedule becomes completely chaotic again. So it's all good!!
Yes - remaining in my PJs all day was a good choice. Especially because it now saves me the agony of having to undress in my extremely chilly bedroom (or the lazyness of simply going to bed in whatever I would have been wearing instead). I highly recommend a pajama day to anyone who can manage to avoid running errands, offending a spouse, or frightening their own UPS (and FedEx) guys. You can always claim that you're reliving "spirit week" from your long lost high school days!
Or, you could just say, "What the f#@%."
:o)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
My SMMC
I'm finding myself becoming more and more forthright in the back forty. Is it the wisdom I've gained? The confidence? Or could it simply be the fact that at this point in my life, I'm tired of trying to impress people? Regardless - when I'm with my S-M-M-C, I just let it all spill out. (Today it literally spilled out to the point where I wasn't sure how much of my mascara was left on my lashes and how much was streaked garishly across my face. Of course I trusted the SMMC to tell me if I looked frighteningly clownish before we left the back room of the bookstore where we were having coffee.)
But thank goodness I do that with him because he is the most empathetic, validating, spirit-picker-upper I've ever known. (No offense girlfriends, but he's even better than any woman I've ever known.) He even validated my use of profanity in yesterday's post. It was necessary, he said, to convey the essence of the situation.
So it turns out I'm NOT insane - I'm NOT at fault - and I'm NOT wrong! Now perhaps the SMMC believes all this because his perception is as skewed as mine, but I frankly don't care. All I know is that I felt good all day today thanks to his feedback.
EVERYONE needs a friend like that!
But thank goodness I do that with him because he is the most empathetic, validating, spirit-picker-upper I've ever known. (No offense girlfriends, but he's even better than any woman I've ever known.) He even validated my use of profanity in yesterday's post. It was necessary, he said, to convey the essence of the situation.
So it turns out I'm NOT insane - I'm NOT at fault - and I'm NOT wrong! Now perhaps the SMMC believes all this because his perception is as skewed as mine, but I frankly don't care. All I know is that I felt good all day today thanks to his feedback.
EVERYONE needs a friend like that!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Sometimes you've just gotta say...
"What the f#@%."
When people start actually flinging their shit at you, THAT is one of those times. And when you use your giant shit shield to reflect it, and it hits them square in the face on the rebound, so they accuse YOU of being the shit flinger? Well, then you just LAUGH.
I know it's hard to find life humorous when there's shit flying everywhere, but you've got to consider the alternative. I choose not to simply lie down and drown in shit.
So I'm off to the showers - - AGAIN.
Oh, and by the way - I could play linguistic games and come up with an entertaining variety of euphemisms for SHIT so as not to offend anyone with my raw, blatantly coarse language, but this is not an appropriately euphemistic situation. Connotatively, nothing else is appropriate here. It is simply shit - filthy, disgusting, reeking SHIT.
Perhaps I'm lowering myself to the shit flinger's level just a wee bit by reducing myself to writing so offensively, but again - consider the alternative. I could go "ape shit" on the #%*&@% #@%&*$ instead. But I think taking out my frustration on my innocent blog readers is less caustic. Besides - I know you readers can all relate, and whether you're willing to curse publically or not, you've all cursed a few shit flingers in your time - - in your minds at least.
And that's why right now I'm shifting to saying - in the spirit of Joel Goodson - "WHAT THE F#@%!"
Yeah - I could be the bigger person and just ignore it. Or I could be a truly saintly person and forgive and forget. But COME ON!! When you've repeatedly had shit flung directly in your face - and your hair - and all over your clothes - and it's stinging your eyes and burning your tongue, you deserve to react less than sweetly. It is, after all, quite unhealthy to keep your anger and frustration all bottled up inside. You've got to let it out.
And then you've got to just LET IT GO.
Thus, I thank you, Joel. You've taught me quite a valuable lesson in how to deal with the shitty aspects of life.
When people start actually flinging their shit at you, THAT is one of those times. And when you use your giant shit shield to reflect it, and it hits them square in the face on the rebound, so they accuse YOU of being the shit flinger? Well, then you just LAUGH.
I know it's hard to find life humorous when there's shit flying everywhere, but you've got to consider the alternative. I choose not to simply lie down and drown in shit.
So I'm off to the showers - - AGAIN.
Oh, and by the way - I could play linguistic games and come up with an entertaining variety of euphemisms for SHIT so as not to offend anyone with my raw, blatantly coarse language, but this is not an appropriately euphemistic situation. Connotatively, nothing else is appropriate here. It is simply shit - filthy, disgusting, reeking SHIT.
Perhaps I'm lowering myself to the shit flinger's level just a wee bit by reducing myself to writing so offensively, but again - consider the alternative. I could go "ape shit" on the #%*&@% #@%&*$ instead. But I think taking out my frustration on my innocent blog readers is less caustic. Besides - I know you readers can all relate, and whether you're willing to curse publically or not, you've all cursed a few shit flingers in your time - - in your minds at least.
And that's why right now I'm shifting to saying - in the spirit of Joel Goodson - "WHAT THE F#@%!"
Yeah - I could be the bigger person and just ignore it. Or I could be a truly saintly person and forgive and forget. But COME ON!! When you've repeatedly had shit flung directly in your face - and your hair - and all over your clothes - and it's stinging your eyes and burning your tongue, you deserve to react less than sweetly. It is, after all, quite unhealthy to keep your anger and frustration all bottled up inside. You've got to let it out.
And then you've got to just LET IT GO.
Thus, I thank you, Joel. You've taught me quite a valuable lesson in how to deal with the shitty aspects of life.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Therapy
My day started out poorly.
My fault - I admit. I made a 6 a.m. phone call I definitely should NOT have made - and my emotional angst in regard to this less-than-satisfying conversation was excessively exaggerated by the onset of my freaking period - a fact I was actually glad to realize because it reassured me that I was NOT sinking back into a depression when I chose to lie in bed for another four hours instead of getting up, working out, doing laundry, and going to church - I was merely hormonally challenged.
So, yeah - I indulged in minor self pity. But I got hooked on an all-day The Secret Life of the American Teenager marathon, which is actually a great thing because deep down I'm still that same girl who used to put on Air Supply and sob her eyes out every time she was sad over some silly boy who had "broken her heart" (meaning he probably just didn't know I existed - or maybe he simply liked someone else). So drowning in the emotional agony of this poor teenage girl and her angst-ridden peers was incredibly therapeutic. My teenage students frequently write about how they love music for its ability to enhance a mood. I personally like to dramatically over inflate my anguish. I think it burns out more quickly when you douse it with accelerant.
So after my four hour pout, I got up, did my hair and makeup, and went to meet a friend for lunch. I over indulged there, too, since we went for Mexican and I inhaled chips and salsa AND a three item combo AND extra refried beans. But I didn't have a margarita, and THAT is a major accomplishment. ;o)
So the fire was out, and by the time I got home, most of the ashes had disappeared in the wind.
And the marathon is STILL on, so I have extra emotional reinforcement. Better go before I miss the end of it. An all new episode airs tomorrow, and I am HOOKED!
My fault - I admit. I made a 6 a.m. phone call I definitely should NOT have made - and my emotional angst in regard to this less-than-satisfying conversation was excessively exaggerated by the onset of my freaking period - a fact I was actually glad to realize because it reassured me that I was NOT sinking back into a depression when I chose to lie in bed for another four hours instead of getting up, working out, doing laundry, and going to church - I was merely hormonally challenged.
So, yeah - I indulged in minor self pity. But I got hooked on an all-day The Secret Life of the American Teenager marathon, which is actually a great thing because deep down I'm still that same girl who used to put on Air Supply and sob her eyes out every time she was sad over some silly boy who had "broken her heart" (meaning he probably just didn't know I existed - or maybe he simply liked someone else). So drowning in the emotional agony of this poor teenage girl and her angst-ridden peers was incredibly therapeutic. My teenage students frequently write about how they love music for its ability to enhance a mood. I personally like to dramatically over inflate my anguish. I think it burns out more quickly when you douse it with accelerant.
So after my four hour pout, I got up, did my hair and makeup, and went to meet a friend for lunch. I over indulged there, too, since we went for Mexican and I inhaled chips and salsa AND a three item combo AND extra refried beans. But I didn't have a margarita, and THAT is a major accomplishment. ;o)
So the fire was out, and by the time I got home, most of the ashes had disappeared in the wind.
And the marathon is STILL on, so I have extra emotional reinforcement. Better go before I miss the end of it. An all new episode airs tomorrow, and I am HOOKED!
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