PATIENCE, please!!

I received a comment this morning - on my very first post, wouldn't you know it? - that I wasn't being nice regarding my mother.  The commenter - who unfortunately remained anonymous, which only aggravates me because I am wholeheartedly in favor of open, honest communication in which people come to an understanding - seemed to miss the most important aspects of my comments in regard to my mother yesterday:  #1 I was exaggerating, and #2 I was happy I had been kind in response to the song specifically because I'm typically not kind enough in the way I respond to my mother - a fact I admitted right there in yesterday's post. 

The beautiful thing, though, is that my mother came over right after I had read that comment.  And I shared it with her - along with reading her my blog. 

This, you must understand, was a risk.  My mother tends not to be as supportive of my endeavors as I would wish.  Frequently I feel as if she thinks I'm incompetent, in fact.  But the totally fabulous thing that happened today was that my mother agreed with me - that this comment was silly.  (I'm being nice.  What I really mean is that the comment was ridiculous, but since I've begun a whole new, positive life, I can't be that blunt.)  My mother - whom I typically believe does NOT understand or support me - said not one negative thing today.  She just nodded her head and reminded me that we shouldn't let other people's opinions faze us.  Bless her heart!  She didn't remind me that I should have started writing DAILY forever ago.  She didn't reiterate her constant chiding about how "writers write!" And when she did express concern that my students could be reading what I said about their papers being mediocre (yeah, yeah - I know - I was a bit more forthright in my terminology in that posting), the new, wise, patient me agreed with her and stressed that I had made certain that my blog emphasized that it was the FIRST drafts which typically were poor quality, and I had added the fact that this is why I make them revise - to which she graciously acquiesced.  !!!!! 

It was truly a fabulous mother-daughter moment.

My relationship with my mother has been a challenge ever since I can remember.  There are a handful of memories I cherish - critical lessons she taught me about taking responsibility, getting over a broken heart, and ...  well, there are those two, at least.  But the fact is that I'm an adult now.  I know I've supposedly been one for several years now, but I haven't been.  I admit that.  I've floundered and faked my way through responsibility - sometimes doing smashingly well and other times failing miserably.  But I AM an adult NOW.  That is what 40 means to me.  And right up there next to my goal of being a better mother is my even more challenging (and up until now virtually impossible) goal of being a better, more patient, more loving, less reactive daughter.

It doesn't matter what I didn't get from my mother that I wish I had gotten.  It doesn't matter that she's not the best-friend-who-shares-all-your-secrets kind of mother I've always wished I had.  And - as much as it frustrates me - it doesn't matter that she's getting older now, and so all of the annoying things that have frustrated me about her all these years are just being amplified by age.  The fact is, she is my mother.  And she won't be around forever. 

So today - for the first time in what seems like EVER - I was patient with her.  When she asked me to "get this" or "do that," even though I was in the middle of something and she had volunteered to watch Jake while I got work done, I got it and did it.  Cheerfully, in fact!  When she asked the same question for the umpteenth time, I simply answered it.  When she got involved with a parenting conversation with my daughter (which drives me nuts because we have very different parenting styles), I just let it go.  And then when I was heading to the grocery store and she asked, "What are you going to shop for?" instead of grumpily demanding why the heck it was any of her business, I said simply (and I swear sweetly), "Groceries," to which she responded, "Could you get me some ice cream?"  And when she gave me the entire story for why she needed the ice cream (so-and-so is allergic to chocolate so she can't make the chocolate ice cream dessert she was planning to make for Lunch Bunch tomorrow and instead thought she'd make some kind of crisp which I can't remember but she needs ice cream to serve it with and another so-and-so says she always gets her ice cream at Aldi's and they carry Breyers there, didn't you know?) I simply listened and nodded and said, "Sure - do you want the Breyers?"  And when she said, "No - the cheap stuff is fine," I bought the "natural vanilla" stuff that's $.69 more and looks like it's imitating Breyers, though it's really NOT Breyers, and I didn't correct her when I got home regarding the fact that Aldi did not, in fact, actually have Breyers - I just put it in the freezer and thanked her for being there all afternoon to help with Jake.

And it was a good day.  Which is fabulous because my mother and I don't have enough good days.

The bottom line is that I can't change my mother, and I really don't want to NOT have a mother - so I have to change me.  Luckily, today I did that. 

Now the goal is to learn to be that patient every time because of course I think we'll ALL be happier if I can achieve that one!