Flakes

I'm starting to think this is the worst trait a friend can have - being flaky.  Admittedly defensiveness, crassness, bigotry, superficiality & materialism, meanness, and many other horrific traits make me cringe in physical pain, but I would not be friends with someone who possessed one of those traits.  However, seemingly sweet, good people with whom I have thought I have had good friendships have frequently displayed unacceptable levels of flakiness -- and I'm not talking about those little white specks that decorate the shoulders of the flaker's black shirt-wear.  I'm talking about the giant, heavy, wet globules that dampen (and even smother) the spirits of those burdened by them.

I know - I swore I wouldn't vent in my blog - so I further swear that's not what I'm doing.  Well - not a LOT, anyway.  But come on!  How on earth do you ever plan your life when you don't know if you can count on someone doing what (s)he said (s)he'd do?  Why even SAY you'll do it if you won't?  And what about the unspoken rules of friendship - to be there for your friends? 

Ok - sorry.  Momentary slip.

The question is not, "Why are people so selfishly, rudely, inconsiderately flaky?!?!?"  (Whoops - minor slip again.  :oP)  The question is, "How do we DEAL with that kind of absolute CRAP?!?"  (Oh, sorry - I mean - just in general - how do we deal with it?)  But this IS how we should approach such a dilemma, is it not?  So this must be a blog about moving on past the flakiness without letting it affect our feelings - or our friendships.

Ok - perhaps I'm particularly sensitive to flakiness because I've spent so many years trying to apply the rules of customer service to LIFE in general.  I mean, it just makes SENSE to do that.  If you want to maintain a business, you must not only validate the concern and take care of it when a customer comes in angry, but you must do everything you can up front to avoid customer unhappiness in the first place.  Isn't that how personal relationships are supposed to work as well??  I had a girlfriend in college who always said, "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission."  (She meant this in regard to spending her fiance's money.)  But seriously - - IS it?  I mean, once you've gone behind someone's back and done something you know that person doesn't want you to do, how can it be better?  Yeah - if she bought herself a new pair of Jimmy Choos (which probably weren't even around back in the dark ages when I was in college, but let's not get technical here), though he'd have been mad, he probably wouldn't have made her take them back.  But my gosh - if that's everyone's exclusive goal - to ultimately get what they want - then we'd all be swimming in selfishness --- or rather drowning it.  Wouldn't those ridiculously expensive shoes eventually cost her much more than simply dollars?  Wouldn't his trust be damaged - and possibly even - eventually - destroyed?  Wouldn't their relationship thus suffer from that lack of trust?  And isn't trust more valuable than a pair of freaking shoes?!?!

What about feelings?  We all have them.  So shouldn't we all understand what other people are likely to feel as a result of our actions?  It seems pretty simple to me.  If I tell a friend I'll be somewhere, she is going to expect me to be there.  Why shouldn't she?  I SAID I'd be there.  If I just blow it off, then I am clearly indicating to her that her feelings don't matter to me.  Isn't that obvious?  Forgetfulness is forgivable, certainly,
but there are ways to avoid forgetting.  And my gosh, but if you forget you should certainly express regret over it, right??  So when someone doesn't even seem to realize that the flakiness is an issue - doesn't apologize - doesn't seem to even notice that you are an actual human person with feelings, then what kind of friend IS that?!?!

But whoops -- I'm doing that unproductive venting thing again.  REALLY SORRY.  Forgive me.  Please.

Ok - HOW TO DEAL.

Well.


Hmmmmm....


Maybe this is why I keep getting sidetracked.


?   ?    ?     ?       ??????????


How the heck do you deal with not being able to count on someone?  Not feeling like your feelings even matter?  Not being a priority to someone YOU make a priority in YOUR life?  How do you deal with lack of consideration from someone who should be entirely, totally, 100% considerate of you because THAT is what friendship means?!?!

You know what - I actually think the answer is quite simple:  you decide if what you gain from the relationship (which should be questionable if you can't count on someone - I mean, are they even around to provide "gains"??) outweighs the challenges.  If it doesn't, you cut bait and go fishing for other, TRUE friends.  If it does, you accept that you might never be able to count on that person, but you choose to be friends anyway - for whatever it is you DO gain from the relationship.

Sometimes we just have to develop thicker skins - choose not to take things so personally.

I recently ended a friendship with a woman who made it impossible to even HAVE a true "friendship" with her because she flaked out on so many things so much of the time.  Do I miss her?  Maybe.  If she could have actually followed through on get togethers (and even phone calls!) then we would've spent some great time together.  But she couldn't, so we didn't, and there is nothing to miss.  The friendship was nonexistent anyway.  I currently have another "friend" who is the same way.  Her follow through is so consistently nonexistent that there really is no actual friendship - - but we share a connection that makes it impossible for me to cut her out completely.  I can, however, stop counting on her and put myself out of my misery!  And then there are those friends who ARE there at times.  Maybe not all the time - and maybe they're not even aware that it affects me when they flake - but they do add to my life in very positive ways when they can (or choose).  And much of the time those positives are actually pretty fabulous.

So I'd rather hold onto the positives and ignore the negatives - - at least until I get blown off on something significant - - like my 40th birthday party, or my retirement dinner, or my funeral - - - now THAT is the kind of thing I think I'd have to end a friendship over.

And I lied AGAIN

I haven't written much.  This is good and bad - - good because it means I've been busy.  Bad because it also means I'd have had to gripe about a couple things that have slammed me in the midst of my busy-ness - - and I adamantly refuse to gripe on here.  Lament past anguish - sure.  But straight up vent - cattily, viciously, or otherwise - no way.

Here is how I've coped, though:
- The kids and I had a sleepover with my mother while Dad was away.  We laughed and joked over Chinese food.  It was yummy all the way around.
- I ordered "herbal remedies" and have been taking them faithfully for a couple days.
- I also indulged in lots of wine with some hysterically entertaining (and poignantly real) women who have become treasured new friends.
- I hosted a jewelry show so that I might add to my already excessive collection.  (It feels darn good to sport bling!!)
- And I was nice to Little Man's sd.  Am still being nice, in fact.  (I'll have to keep you posted on that one, though - it rarely lasts more than a few days.)

Now I'm going to shower - - something I desperately need to do.  Later, I'm going to try like heck to sell a LOT of Miche Bags. (And pray that the retail gods are smiling on me today because yesterday's show was an absolute bust.  UGH.)

Gosh, I love that when I blog I can write in fragments.  Another plus!

I lied.

So I didn't write again on Sunday.  But shoot - there's been so much going on.  And honestly, I don't feel like writing now - - but guilt can be a powerful motivator.

Of course I don't know what to say exactly.  There are - once again - a zillion things going through my head.

Ugh, I don't have time to deal with brake issues in my car! - I hope my sis didn't have a horrifically sad day in the midst of her grief over losing her beloved kitty - how can I help my students "get" grammar when I've simplified the approach as much as I can?!? - I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping - I've got five Miche shows in the next 8 days and I'm not ready!! - do I go to Kiwanis in the morning or skip it?? - oh my god my sides hurt from yoga last night! - should I sneak in a couple more games on Webkinz? - isn't it pathetic that I play on Webkinz? - why have I been so irritated by everyone lately?? - I seriously hate grading and I just can't figure out why because I honestly don't mind it - yeah, that didn't make sense, but I know what I mean - I hate being sick - I wonder how many students I grossed out tonight with my constantly running nose - I should get up and wash my face - and take out my contacts - I love Rachel Maddow! She's just so darned smart and funny - I hate feeling like life is about just getting through one more day's worth of busy-ness - CRAP!  I need to do my taxes - I must stop eating fast food!! - I have to pee - shoot, I hope Little Man doesn't keep yelling all the time - why, why, why, why, why do I always have piles and piles of random stuff all over the place??? - I've got to fill out a schedule - but I'll never stick to it, so what's the point? - my ears feel funky - ok, just one more game on Webkinz - or maybe two - three tops - then I MUST sleep.

Well, after I reach level 5.

Have I ever reached level 5 before?

Ok - then as soon as I start nodding off.

I really don't think I'm going to Kiwanis.

Oh, well.

Did I also mention...

that I need to recommit myself to writing this blog?!?!

Yeah - it's time for me to learn how to balance my commitments so that none of them are neglected.  I'm REALLY bad at the procrastination thing still, and I desperately want to change that.  Plus, knowing I have to write about how fabulous life is in the back forty is a great motivator to actually making life be fabulous!  So there you go.  I'll write again TOMORROW!

Or at least I'll try like heck. ;o)

Giving

At a meeting this morning with several fellow Kiwanians, a grandmother talked about her upcoming trip to Tanzania with her 13-year-old granddaughter - a child who wants to give her time serving the people of a nation that has electricity for only three hours a day and must fetch their water and carry it into their homes.  This darling grandmother has a tradition of taking her grandchildren on "vacation" every year with the only stipulation being that they spend two weeks doing volunteer work in whatever location they choose. 

Sadly, most children do not grow up with this type of influence anymore.

But I realized during this conversation that even as much as I feel I "give" to others, I could certainly do more.  I sat there in my cute knit hat with matching scarf - a frivolous splurge I'd purchased with Christmas money - and remembered the revulsion that had filled me for capitalistic American society after I'd read The Poisonwood Bible.  No - I don't live in a sprawling home filled with expensive electronics, nor do I drive a monstrous gas guzzler.  But I do own a significant collection of Lia Sophia jewelry and I don't have to do laundry very often because I always have plenty to wear.  I've stepped up my giving at church, sure - - but if I had cooked dinner the other night instead of taking the kids out to eat, I could probably give TWICE as much to the church.  Or I could buy several boxes of nonperishable food items to keep in the car and hand out to those poor souls I always see freezing on the street corners when I visit the Chicago area.  Shoot - we certainly didn't need to eat $30 worth of Thai food that night.  How many people out there have virtually nothing to eat, and yet I throw away food every week because it has sat too long in my fridge NOT being eaten?

And my other failure lately has been not writing this blog.  So why am I not taking my passion toward such worthwhile topics as giving more to others and writing about them?!?

I'm just as guilty as anyone...  I get so caught up in my own life and my own busy-ness that I put aside the things that supposedly matter to me.  And I really want to try to STOP doing that. 

So new goal - - - on top of budgeting my earnings to include saving for my and the kids' future (which is - realistically - an important goal to adopt, otherwise I may find myself desperately in need one day), I will include more giving.  And I won't treat myself to jewelry and other splurges (like the new leather boots I've been pining for) until I've committed an equal amount of money to someone who truly needs new shoes, or for whom a piece of jewelry would be a priceless, unique gift - not just one more item for an already excessive collection.

AND I'll be honest when I fail.  Because I will fail.  Let's just hope I'll fail less than usual.

LIES

I'll never forget the first time a boyfriend lied to me.  Or I suppose I should say, the first time I realized a boyfriend had lied to me.  I think I would have preferred he take a very real, very sharp knife and literally slice directly into my gut with it then twist it around and around and back and forth until my intestines all spilled onto the ground and I bled to death.  That would have felt better, I think, than the emotional agony I experienced as a result of his lie.  So why would someone DO something like that?


Don't get me wrong - I think I understand the motivation behind lies.  I've been personally guilty of  concocting way more lies than I care to admit, even to myself, so I know that telling a lie is a truly selfish, immature, cowardly way of avoiding a problem that I myself have caused.  But as I've grown up, I've learned to embrace a set of values that dictate not that I can no longer lie, but that I can longer DO those things about which I would HAVE to lie.  Whether someone is looking or not, I just can't be that person anymore.  I couldn't live with my children knowing that I did the kind of bad things I teach them not to do.  I couldn't respect myself if my students knew I did things that demonstrated an utter LACK of self respect.  Sure, I could fool myself into thinking that I'd never get caught.  How would my kids know if I lied to a friend?  How would my students know if I got drunk at a bar in Chicago and had a one night stand with some random guy whose name I didn't bother to learn?  They probably wouldn't.  But I would.  And I don't want to be that person.

When that same boyfriend I mentioned earlier finally told me the TRUTH about something pretty hideously hurtful, I was amazed to realize that I had been right all along - - I really did want to know the truth, no matter how bad it was.  I can still hear his voice as he callously admitted that he wanted to sleep with someone else.  And I can still feel the relief that washed over me at that moment, like a warm, comforting bath, washing away the pain the prior lies had caused.  No - I wouldn't rather have remained in the dark, clueless as to his extracurricular activities.  No - it didn't feel better to hear him claim his undying love for me and his wish to work things out in our relationship.  I felt horribly burdened by some invisible force that kept pressing hard against my head and my heart.  I knew it was a lie!  And the truth really does set you free.  Trust me - it's definitely not fun to realize your boyfriend wants to or has already slept with someone else, but it's soooooooo much better than knowing deep down at a cellular level that something is wrong (and women always know -- we feel it all the way through to the very nuclei of our cells!) and having him DENY IT.

You can DEAL with the truth.  When he says there's nothing wrong, there's NOTHING you can do!  And being completely powerless is an equally horrible feeling.

So you'd think with all this experience I have with major lies that I'd be immune to the power of smaller, ridiculously pointless lies.  But nope.  Those lies still hurt like hell, too.

If you're going to stay somewhere later than you said you were going to, why not just TELL ME?  Who the hell cares if you linger and have a beer before you show up to do what you told me you were going to do for me, as long as you respect me enough to be honest with me?!?  But lie to me - concoct some ridiculous story about how the job took sooooo much longer than you thought it would and you came right over immediately afterward, even though I can TELL you've been drinking, and now I think you're a complete jerk for having zero work ethic - and zero concern for how you make ME feel.  If I meant anything to you at all, you would trust me with the truth - you would respect me with the truth - you would never consider telling me anything except the truth.

But that's the thing about liars.  They only care about how THEY feel.

I know this.  And I know the lies aren't personal.  But when you're the victim of the lie - and you suddenly realize that your reality has completely shifted and you don't even know what that reality is because you have no idea how many lies there really are - how can it not FEEL personal?

And when you've made truly significant choices based on those lies - when you believed they were truth - how do you recover from the pain of knowing that you were duped?  How do you recover the trust?

THAT is what the liars don't realize - and don't care about.  The thing about liars is that they're REALLY good at lying to themselves, too.  So even if they lose you, they never believe it's their fault.  Hell, they don't even believe it matters to have lost you!  They lie to themselves so that they can move on and maintain their own happiness safe within their little fantasy world, and they don't give another single thought to whether you're still lying there in agony, surrounded by the ever growing pool of blood seeping from the wounds they've inflicted upon you with their lies.

Thank God the wounds don't have to be fatal, if we don't let them.  It might be a slow, difficult process, but we can sew ourselves up and begin to heal.  If we tend to ourselves carefully enough, we might even be able to avoid scars - - or at least make sure they fade considerably.

The danger is in allowing the liar to come back and rip the wounds wide open again.  It would be pretty stupid to do THAT.  And trust me - - that is exactly what will happen if you let a liar come back.

I should know.

:o(


But yes - there MUST be a fabulous aspect to all of this, right?  And there is.

There is the knowledge that I'm strong enough to drag myself back up again, no matter how many times I've been pushed down.  There is the beautiful circle of friends and family and my children to whom I can turn for support and love and fun.  And there is the knowledge that no matter what I thought I knew or what someone else actually did, it is in the past, and I have infallible knowledge of my current reality - and I can make it whatever I want it to be.  I can rely on myself - my own truth - and I can look in the mirror knowing that I am making the right choices for the right reasons - - and even those choices I might have made in the past, albeit they were based on lies, can't be all that bad if they led me to where I am right now. :o)

The liar may choose to continue to lie, but I can choose not to listen anymore.