Brain Fuel

The beauty of being forty is that you're so much more self aware - and mature enough to make the necessary shifts when that awareness reveals your shortcomings.  The ugliness, though, is just how bad you know it is to rebel against making those shifts.

I'm definitely older now.  My body makes that superficially obvious, but it's my brain that really hammers home this painful point.  Suddenly all those synapses that are supposed to be firing in a certain order at a certain rhythm (or however it is your brain is supposed to work) are all messed up and tripping over themselves, it seems.  Sometimes they even fall down all together and just don't want to get back up. That's when I find myself once again paralyzed - unable to so much as lift a finger to file the tiniest of papers or even pick up a coffee cup that was set up on the mantle two weeks ago and now probably resembles a science experiment.

I still haven't figured out how to deal once things get to this point - - you know, where there are SO MANY piles and SO MUCH CRAP that it would seemingly take WEEKS to sort through (though an efficient person could probably handle it all in a weekend) and so even trying to think about where to start is painful -- and for someone like me, whose brain is firing all over the place, it's that much worse because I simply CANNOT  stay on task long enough to complete even ONE of these organizational projects, yet I have - - well, DR one, LR two, SR three, K four, H five, JR six, ER seven, BR eight, MR nine, BM ten... HOLY CRAP!  I have like a dozen different areas of my house that are in complete chaos!!

So let's say I'm trying to clear all the paperwork off the dining room table.  Here's how that goes:  There is a stack of Miche sales slips which have not yet been entered into my spreadsheet, and on which there are email addresses that also need to be entered, so all I can do with them for now is stack them in a neat pile.  Then there are receipts.  Ditto.  Over here are several pieces of Ellie's artwork -- but I don't really have anywhere to put them because her desk is stacked up worse than the DR table, and I haven't yet figured out what kind of storage system to use for her artwork, much less where to put that storage system once I acquire it.  So that gets stacked more neatly and left where it is.  Oh - right - here's that coupon for $150 if I open a new checking account with US Bank.  I haven't decided yet if I'm going to use that -- have to see if everything will transfer fine when the sale of my current bank goes through... OH, DANG IT!  Jake fell down and is crying....  And the project comes to a screeching halt.

And yet when I try to relax for a few minutes and give the kids the attention they deserve, my mind is all over the place - worrying about the stacks and piles and heaps and mounds and loads of whatnot scattered all over my freaking house.

So my sister and I talked about how restless and chaotic and overwhelmed my poor tired brain is.  Hmmm.... what could cause it to go haywire this past week? we wondered.  Well - there was that junior bacon cheeseburger and biggie fries I got from Wendy's -- THREE DIFFERENT TIMES.  Oh, and those new herbal ADD remedies I ordered?  I can hardly remember to take them every morning, much less THREE TIMES A DAY.  And exercise?  Who has time for that?!?

So, yes - I am self aware.  And I am also intelligent enough to figure out exactly what I need to do to overcome these issues.  But I'm also tired and petulant and apparently not yet mature enough to devote myself to doing them!  GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a vacation.

Oh, right!  Luckily, I have a beach vacation scheduled for next week!  Unfortunately, all that damn Wendy's has not only aged my brain, but it has further exacerbated the aging body issue.  Good thing I gave up on bikinis years ago.

Seafood is good brain food.  And my sister swears we're doing yoga on the beach every morning.  Maybe this vacation could actually be healthy for me in more ways than one...  If only I can lay off the banana daiquiris. ;o)

The Jumble

I wanted to write a brilliant blog today, but I can hardly even get started.  It's been forever since I've found the time - as usual, lately - and I feel I owe it to my readers to produce something poignant and creative and entertaining....  But there are a million concerns going through my head - yes, also as usual - and I can't pinpoint a single one of them. 

I am worried this week that the unexplained sadness I've experienced each day is a symptom of returning clinical depression.  Or maybe it's just hormonal imbalance from an early period.  I'm praying for the latter.  It makes sense.

I'm reeling from the "suggestion" (by someone who is apparently hellbent on remaining my mortal enemy despite the immense - and obvious - benefits of being my best friend) that I need counseling.  The irony is that it is his presence in my life that makes me crazy!  And it is my own idiocy that causes me to allow him that influence.  Time to cut that out, once and for all!

My house is as disastrous as ever!  Chaos exploded in every room.  Yes, that is possible.  It is what happens when chaos itself multiplies and expands and works against itself.  It actually creates a situation in which - by some inexplicable anti-magnetic force - items that are anywhere close to being actually organized and in their rightful places will revolt and repel each other, bounding in opposite directions to expand the clutter and foil any attempt to keep them tidy.  When you subsequently fret over the resultant magnification of chaotic matter, you actually charge it electrically - like rubbing a balloon on your head until your hair is standing out in every direction.  Thus chaos is multiplied exponentially.

I have - by the way - avoided being home to stress over this writhing mass by over scheduling myself, also to the nth degree.

I'm also pining for the semester to be OVER so that I might revisit some of those healthy daily habits that further soothe and maintain order in my psyche.  I don't need counseling!!!  I need time to do the things I KNOW I need to do to keep myself from cracking.  Or snapping.  Or even just screaming. 

Of course Little Man has taken up yelling.  That's fun.

And I'd really like some sun.  WARM sun.  Thank God for my upcoming vacation!

I've met someone - sort of - that a new friend introduced me to - via email - and he seems to be opulently spiritual (an intentional contradiction in terms) and deliciously intriguing.  I tried warning him of my inner chaos, but he would not be easily scared off, and thus I think I may have just made a valuable new friend.

Today a valuable, not-quite-as-new friend also shared some emotionally deep insight into my last post, and that blissful moment of connection was a delectable treat as well.

I think my current wish is to cut out the challenges.... WAIT - I know that's impossible.... hmmm..... I suppose I would wish to cut out the ferocious reactions that spring forth unbidden every time I encounter a challenge lately...  and yes, I CAN cut out the instigator of most of those challenges.  Why not learn a little from the king of selfish?  Start focusing on me for once - and not always try to do every single possible thing to serve someone else - particularly someone so ungrateful and greedy and consistently self-centered and inconsiderate and defensive and insensitive and distinctly NOT empathetic!

I wish I would have started this taking care of myself thing by wearing a warmer sweater today. 

But perhaps I should be grateful to this sudden coldness for distracting me from many of my worries...

Maybe I should go see what kind of soup is being served for lunch today.  Soup is always a good way to start feeling better. :o)  In any case, it's a start.