Bad Mommy!

Last night my son decided – about a half hour before bedtime – that he wanted to go to his grandparents’ house for the night. When I asked him why he liked being there better than being at home, he responded that I put him in time out. Ironically, he had not been in trouble at all last evening, and his grandparents do also put him in time out, of course. So it could simply have been that with his sister away for the week, he didn’t want to sleep in a room all by himself, and he knew I would not cater to his pleas to sleep “in Mommy’s bed.” He hates bedtime anyway, so it could have been that he believed going to Grammy and Papa’s would prolong his waking hours. It could have been. What I worry it was, though, is the fact that he had asked me several times to read him a book, but I was too busy looking at wigs online.

Shit, I’m a bad mom.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just a phase my three-year-old has entered where he wants to have ultimate control. Shoot – we all want that, don’t we? And he didn’t even mention his grandparents until I gave the dreaded “half hour until bedtime” warning. Heck – they’re grandparents, so they do tend to spoil him. Maybe he just wants to be spoiled for a while. But that’s exactly the point -- I am too wrapped up in myself lately to focus on what he needs.

Now, before I make myself look too bad, let me stipulate that the book he asked me to “read” was a seek and find book – not a story – and I had said to him several times, “Go pick out an actual story, and then I’ll read to you.” And when I was done online, he shifted to, “I play Angry Birds, Mommy?” and I figured, sure, that would give me a chance to deal with the aftermath of the tornado that had hit my bedroom this week. (Angry Birds, as it turns out, is the ultimate toddler distractor.)

Still, it hurt to think that my child did not want to stay home with me, and I can’t help but believe that it’s because I need to be a better mom - - a more focused, in-the-moment mom - - a mom who isn’t constantly thinking about cancer and chemo and hair and wigs and household cleaning projects and syllabus development and how I'll now be missing workshops and institutes and school days thanks to the freaking cancer.

But honestly, I wasn’t a focused mom BEFORE the cancer. Cancer is simply a convenient excuse.

What I want is for cancer to be a kick in the ass. I want it to shake me hard until my brain is bruised and the only way to heal it is to start doing all of the awesome things I know I should be doing – have always WANTED to do – keep telling myself and my kids and my sister and my parents and my friends that I’m going to do… things like exercise and meditation, cooking and eating nutritionally spectacular meals, being more patient and kind and loving and generous and giving and forgiving… and spending more time just playing with my kids – focusing on them – really looking at and listening to and interacting with them.

So Jake is at my parents’ house, and instead of getting out of bed when I woke up at 6, I languished there until 7. I picked up a few more things, so the house is pretty well straightened up now (albeit filthy dirty), got packed for the next few days (all ready to bounce back and forth between school committee meetings in Rockford and scans, procedures, and biopsies in Chicago), sorted through the junk in the front seat of my car and gathered my materials for today’s meeting… and wasted about an hour playing on Facebook, messing around with how to tie a scarf on my soon-to-be-bald head, and applying about eight layers of mascara. And now I’m blogging about spending time with Jake intead of actually heading over to pick him up for his doctor’s appointment and actually spending time with him. What the hell??

I honestly need someone else to hold me accountable – someone bigger than my 3’2” little man. Why doesn’t cancer automatically come with a private life coach?!? Maybe I need some sort of electronic shock collar to zap me when my actions don’t fit the goals I swear I want to achieve. I could say maybe I just need time to sort all this through, but shoot – that’s all I’ve been doing for days and weeks on end it seems. It is time for ACTION.

So I’m getting off the computer - I really am this time!  I swear it! - putting a couple of Jake’s favorite books in my purse, and heading off to see my favorite little man for a while before I shift to focus my energies on developing numeracy skills across the curriculum.  Being able to participate in academic thinking is keeping me sane (or at least keeping my insanity limited to school stuff), and at least I know that while I’m gone, he’ll be having a blast with his grandparents!


DISCLAIMER:  Actually, I had to cheat - - my internet connection wasn’t working, so I’ve already returned from the appointment and I’ll be darned, but that little stinker swears he wants to live with Grammy and Papa right now. Guess I’d better spend my next couple days away thinking up something really good to entice him back home….